"I'm going to have a blackout"

Well, I didn't kill him today.  I feel like I deserve a prize. 

I did sleep pretty well last night, with Torbie AND Biscuit.  Torbie slept by my head like she does.  I have found only the very old cats do this, and, when they start, I only have a couple of years left.  But I've talked a lot about Torbie's mortality and how I plan to enjoy every minute. 

I got up late but had time to take my shower.  Ron started off the day belligerent and hostile, literally shouting at God and cursing Him. 

I just focused on getting us ready. 

I got him out and into the vehicle.  He didn't want to change his clothes so he didn't look fantastic, but I did what I could.  I had to choose my battles. 

We got onto the vehicle.  Ron was still in a bad mood cursing God out and yelling.  I couldn't remember if I had locked the front door.  I asked the driver to let me off so I could quickly check.  She did - as Ron shouted "No, don't let her go!". 

I checked, it was fine.  I came back.  Ron continued on his theme, I told the driver "I shouldn't have come back" and she nodded in agreement. 

Then Ron starts up about sex for some unknown reason.  He starts going on about how I am so fat and repulsive to him (not his exact words) how my weight was such an utter and complete turn off, etc.  The driver is just staring straight ahead, not responding.  I didn't say anything because he was trying to provoke a reaction.  I weigh less than 250 pounds.  I can still shop at Walmart, it may be a plus size but they fit well.  I have maintained where I am for well over 10 years now.  You have seen my photos, you can reach your own conclusion. 

I didn't say anything because I think he was trying to get me upset.  I really think the theme of the day was Ron behaving as badly as possible and trying to make me as miserable as he feels he is.  I truly believe that was the issue today. 

Ron kept going on about how broken he was, nothing worked, etc.  Then he said he understood why I found him repulsive.  I told him "I never said that" and then reminded him I married a blind man in a wheelchair "I had a pretty good idea what to expect."  He tried to argue with me and finally ended that line of conversation. 

He went back to yelling at God.  I was so glad it was a relatively short trip and the driver would be done with him.  We got there and she unloaded him swiftly. 

We went in the store.  They have a new greeter now, he said hello.  Ron bitched they had taken away the free food (and coffee, but he doesn't drink coffee) and he wanted his banana bread.  I told him he meant the lemon cake - one time a greeter got him some banana bread after he asked for it and he said, he wanted the other one, meaning lemon cake.  It's a head injury thing.  I know someone else like that - the wrong word comes out sometimes. 

I got my cart and Ron gave me the money, said I had a budget this time.  That was fine.  I had a lot of snacks at work already. 

I went and got everything on the list.   He texted me "Let's talk", so I called him.  He still had the same mindset, he just wanted me to buy him "banana bread" or some popcorn.  I told him they didn't sell the popcorn, he meant "lemon cake" and they were only sold in a combo unit with other cake neither of us would eat.  Not to mention pretty expensive for a couple slices. 

Fine, he said, get him some cookies.  I asked him if he wanted the chocolate chip or the combo?  The combo.  So I got that. 

I paid and checked out.  One of the associates pushed my cart to the door - it was pretty heavy, I didn't envy her.  It was loaded with sodas, etc. 

I gave Ron some cookies, which he ate, and his mood improved a little.  He has a very bad habit of not wanting to eat at home, getting hungry "out" and then getting cranky.  But if I ask him to eat or try to provide something, generally he says no. 

Jack came.  He told me his wife is doing pretty good, she needs a little chemo and radiation but the surgery got it all.  That's good to know. 

Ron started talking about death and how, if she died, it wouldn't be that bad.  I was aghast and kept trying to shut him up.  That's not something you say to the spouse of a cancer victim, especially one who has good odds of recovery.  Jack was OK and he and Ron talked about death in general for a while on the way to work. 

We got to work.  I got Ron in the building.  Everything was working.  I got the carts and went outside, got them loaded.  Then I brought them in.  Then helping Ron for some time.  At one point he kept getting confused.  He had 2 sodas (cases) in his lap and he kept reversing them, this is orange, this is root beer, but he had it backwards.  I kept telling him that and he kept getting more and more confused and upset. 

In the future, I think I will just pick them up and put them in the "proper" sequence.  Anyway, more lashing out at me.  Eventually they got stocked. 

We had a refund, I dealt with it pretty well I think. 

I was able to do some stocking but not much, between putting my merchandise away and helping Ron.  But I did get some of it. 

I got a new Pop Tart to put in the snack machines today, Brown Sugar and Cinnamon.  It will be interesting to see how they do.  I have a row of Strawberry and one now of the Brown Sugar, so we will see which sells better. 

I suspect some of the Strawberry crowd were getting a little fatigued.  I will be curious to see how they sell. 

See, marketing can be an interesting subject.  But that speaker made it so BORING at the conference.  It's like fishing, put out your bait (merchandise) and see who bites.  If they like a certain product a lot buy more of it.  If they like a certain type, like baked or hot, then sell more. 

It can be a lot of fun.  At least I think so.  That is one good thing about Ron as a boss, he has given me a LOT of rope with regards to the snack machine - I can do pretty much whatever I want.  I enjoy that. 

We left.  We had a very nice driver to come home and Ron pretty much behaved. 

All day at work, he kept talking about how he was going to "have a blackout" when he got home.  I told him I thought he only drank for the back pain.  Not always, he replied, and then informed me sometimes he "just wanted to tune out". 

Earlier in the day I had told him, if we were pointing fingers about addiction, he had to look at himself and drinking.  Apparently that bounced off. 

He kept going on about how much fun it would be to "have a blackout".  Even told me I had better leave him alone because he was "going to have a blackout" and he wouldn't be responsible.  Then went so far as to say, if he was verbally abusing me, I should ignore him because he was "having a blackout" and, implied nothing was more important that day than him tuning out. 

I was disgusted and disappointed.  He isn't even pretending any more.  It used to be, if I said he was drinking to get high, he would vehemently deny it and say he "needed" it for his back.  I believe he does have a pain issue.  I believe it can be severe. 

But I don't believe he "needs" alcohol the way he says he does, and I certainly don't believe he "needs to tune out".  If your emotions are that bad, then it is time to get counseling and medication.  Trust me, I know. 

But he won't admit he needs help and I can't do anything until he does.  Anything up to that point will just be seen as unwanted nagging and he will become even more resistant. 

We got home.  I ate a can of spaghetti and took my pills.  Ron said he "owed" me money for a pizza - I had delivery about a week ago and paid for it myself.  He said he would have paid for pizza but I told him I was fine. 

After taking my pills, I laid down with Torbie and Biscuit - notice how Biscuit is assuming the "cuddler" role before I lose Torbie?   I heard Ron in the kitchen.  He finally wanted the "plate" from Thanksgiving.  He got drunk first and then ate it, loved the food. 

My aunt is a good cook.  He called her on his cell phone and said "No one" (meaning me, I suppose) "knew how to cook like that".  So that is why I sold hundreds of chicken dinner plates every Friday, and literal gallons of chicken noodle soup, spaghetti, ham-bean soup, etc. back when we had the deli.  I had people buying food 2 hours in advance. 

He finally shut up and I went to sleep.  They are still making noise next door with the remodel, going on 3 weeks.  They had carpet on the trailer today.  It didn't appear to be a very high quality.  With 8 people in the house you are going to want something high-traffic.  Or you will just have to have handymen out in another year or two to replace it. 

I still managed to get a pretty good nap.  After all, I had Torbie and Biscuit.  Baby Girl only slept with me the night Bubba died.  She does allow me to pet her, and rub her tummy.  She won't even let Ron, her favorite person, rub her tummy.  I view it as a high honor. 

Anyway, I got up, got on the computer for a while, ate some fake crab.  I checked my message boards. 

One of them everyone is upset about a mother who neglected her small children.  I survived pretty severe neglect as a child - it took me years to catch up on the growth curve.  I have some emotional scars from that. 

I was talking to Ron about that - he had food security his whole life.  Every time he was hungry, he was fed.  I did not have that.  I had hours of severe hunger until someone came along to feed me.  I learned very early on I had better eat up because I never knew when my next meal was coming.  He can't understand what it is like to be food insecure.  That, to me, has had a lasting effect on my eating. 

But I had a good snack, once I got the stupid packaging open!  I was very frustrated, but understand they fix it that way so people don't open it in the store, or have it open in transit.  The cookies from Sam's could use a similar overhaul - they tend to open up on their own, now and then. 

The cats weren't interested in my fake crab, but they were very interested in the Fancy Feast when I fed them at 6.  Baby Girl goes first, then Biscuit.  Torbie comes along later to polish it off. 

I might worry about Torbie, but she is pleasingly plump and has wonderfully silky fur.  She has no food issues, she is getting enough to eat. 

Speaking of feeding the cats, I am thinking next year I will have to buy an automatic feeder so they - Biscuit, I mean - don't eat all the food on day one. 

I am listening to a "For King and Country" Christmas concert.  It is very nice, just like being there without all the standing in line.  I discovered their music recently and I really like them.  They sing honestly about marriage, addictions, suicide, all sorts of things that are "real" issues today. 

And that's it for now.