"Why would I want to?"

Ron just spent the last hour and a half castigating me "Because I am lonely" demanding I prove my worth to him "At home, because you are good at work". 

Well, thanks for that, I guess. 

He basically started drinking and went into the "I am lonely, you fail as a 'normal' woman, I want a 'normal' woman because you have failed me."  A lot about my so-called "failure". 

He demanded I tell him all the things I do for him.  He got angry about sex, I said I was fine with sex, as long as he took a bath first (he doesn't like showers).  "Why should I bother...."  Uh, because you want to get laid?  I have a history of bladder infections, it's a reasonable request. 

I won't go into Ron's hygienic habits but he could improve.  However, he never listens when I encourage him to bathe. 

I asked him if he could go one day without drinking.  He asked me why he would want to.  I told him I was tired of seeing him with a bottle in his mouth. 

He went into yelling about my housekeeping, which I have to admit is a lot better than it was.  So I didn't receive that.  He yelled about some pots and pans in "my" sink, which have been there forever.  I keep them there because they piss him off, but I didn't say that.  It gives him an easy target, I would rather have him yelling about "my messy sink" than calling me names. 

He's decided to "forgive me" because I am "broken and can't give him any more".   He just has to have this thing where, no matter how bad he is, he's still "better" than me. 

I tried to tell him, the truth of the matter is, between the drinking and the verbal abuse, and the fact that he still thinks it is ever OK to verbally abuse me, that I ever deserve it under any circumstance - that's eroded my trust.  I don't trust him, and that's very sad. 

I love him, I take care of him, but I absolutely do not trust him.  I should be able to.  A "normal" woman would be able to trust her husband (turning Ron's words around on him). 

I'm simply in a relationship where I cannot trust my husband with my emotional needs.  He thinks it is OK to verbally abuse me.  He thinks it is OK to drink to a blackout and verbally/physically abuse me.  He will be "sorry" afterward, but that's how he's wired.  I need to protect myself from that, especially with my history of depression. 

People always say "Oh, he's lashing out at you because he loves you".  Bull.  If he loved me, he would treat me with dignity and respect.  Instead, he treats me, at times, like something he stepped in.   No matter what, he always has to look down on me.  It's very tiring. 

I was having a pretty good day until this.  Now I'm pretty depressed, but while he was arguing (I didn't answer him) I did a lot of cleaning in the front room.  Good.