Monday, September 5, 2016

Because I'm in it

So, the final, crowning, highlight to my day off. 

Ron and I had a fight about his cancelling the surgery (or wanting to).  I accused him of "jerking me around".  He said he wasn't.  I elaborated. 

When we went to the doctor, it was all "I'm going to have the operation".
Then he wasn't. 
Then he was. 
Now he isn't. 

That, I told him, looks an awful lot like jerking me around.  Ron got angry right back at me and started drinking, which resulted in a blackout. 

He is now passed out on the kitchen floor, sideways, no blood this time thank God.  He is snoring and murmuring so I will leave him to it. 

He did call in our trips for tomorrow.  Funny how he is always able to do that. 

Let me go set my alarm. 

On the way to set my alarm, I got mugged by Torbie, who wanted cuddles.  I laid down in bed and let her love on me for a while. 

Now, I did mean to say not everyone has been "bad" about Ron.  Ron's boss' wife, wants to make me casseroles.  I thought that was very sweet.  I explained the surgery is off for now but I appreciated it, and I do. 

Ron's just not very appreciative, he made me sound like some whore or gold digger who was out for his money.  "I pay all the bills" etc. 

How many bills could he pay if I wasn't around?  The mortgage, electric, and water - all stuff he needs for himself anyway.  The rest of it, forget it. 

He has this life because I'm in it.  Throw rocks at me about my weight, my illness, things like that.  Accuse me of not changing the litter box as often as I could.  I'm probably guilty. 

But don't try to tell me I'm everything bad in your life, and you are everything good in mine.  I didn't marry a wallet, I married a poverty-level blind man who qualified for food stamps.  That was "good enough" for me for many years.  Don't change history now and say I'm after your money. 

Ron's family used to say that, and it made me so angry.  What money, I used to think.  It was all going right back into the business. 


I feel like I'm supposed to be showering peace and joy and all that - shining a light of faith into the darkness, and I feel as though I fail miserably.  I trust God to cover me.  Even if I didn't He has in the past, and He will in the future. 

I'm still doing my God Time every day, even though Ron has fits when he finds out about it. 

I guess, at the end of it, if Ron's going to drink and fall on the floor, he shouldn't have surgery. 

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