Thursday, September 15, 2016

"I'm fighting every day"

Best part of the day, sleeping with Torbie, all night and during my nap. 

I don't care if you let me pick you up.  I don't care if you get in my lap, or even if you meow at me.  Do you sleep with me?  That's what I want. 

I always sleep better with a cat in the bed.  Interestingly enough, when my cats have gotten to about 8 years old, they start sleeping by my head.  Maybe because I roll over on them, maybe because there's more room, or maybe because they like the way my head smells.  I just know that Torbie is the third senior cat to start sleeping by my head, and I love it. 

Sadly, it also means I probably don't have a lot of time left with her, but I will enjoy her as long as I can.  She is almost 9, but obese, so we're not sure how long we'll have with her. 

So, I got up.  I am having my period and I was a little cranky with Ron this morning.  I also cried and cried over an Amazon commercial (the one with the dog and the baby). 

We went to work.  They had wiped out our vending machines, or as the other vendor says "Blown out".  It looks like the holiday season is starting early. 

Maybe, I told Ron, he was right to wait on his surgery.  That's when he told me his legs are still getting weaker but he wants to keep working as long as he can. 

I did all the machines, it took a while, and helped Ron.  We were at it for hours.  Then we went to the bank. 

We made a deposit to cover the flood in$urance, $1400 - actually $1416.  I wanted to spend the extra $30 for more coverage but Ron said no.  I would always rather over insure than under insure.  Which is why I carry a life insurance policy on myself. 

We finished up at the bank and went out to lunch.  I got extra crispy hashbrowns.  Yum.  I didn't finish the whole meal.  Instead of trying to force it down, I got a to go box and put the remains of the hashbrowns inside.

We came home and I took a nap.  It was pretty late in the day but I still got a couple hours.  I needed it. 

My medication wipes me out. 

When I got up, Ron wanted me to watch a "funny movie" where a father apparently walks in on his small daughter getting sex ed classes.  Ron kept saying it was so funny.  It didn't sound funny. 

I told him I didn't want to watch a comedy.  He told me I "needed to fight". 

I finally snapped. "Ron" I told him "I am fighting every second of every day.  When I stop fighting, I kill myself." 

He gaped at me in shock.  "Should we talk to your doctor?" 

"No" I told him.  "I'm not suicidal now because I am fighting.  I'm not just sad.  I'm not in a bad mood.  I am fighting a life and death battle.  I fight every second of every day, because, when I give up, I die." 

He was very quiet after that. 

Later on I saw the commercial that made me cry.  Ron thought it was bringing up some issue from my past.  I had to remind him I am suffering from depression and PMS, probably anything would make me cry.  I wasn't nice about it. 

Then he wanted to talk about my family, which led to talking about his family, which led to the both of us concluding my aunt is worth all of them put together. 

At least we've got her.  And she's slim and in good health so we should have her for a while yet. 

Boy, that would really [censored] me up if she died. 

Anyway, Torbie is already in my bed, by my pillow, waiting for me to go to bed.  I'll have to join her, won't I? 

She's a gift.  I often tease Ron and tell him "You didn't like her.  You thought she was mean!"  She got in my lap the second I sat down at the shelter, and hissed at any other cats who showed interest in me.  She was claiming me as her Personal Human. 

I understood, but Ron thought I had some half-feral monster.  Pretty funny now. 

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