"Give the man a beer!"

Ron used up a lot of his sympathy tonight at dinner. 

He finally woke up around noon, felt pretty good, kept saying how sad it was that he felt so good, to be normal.   I said, I get it.  I get migraines.  I understand.  He disregarded what I said. 

We arranged to take a cab to Walmart to turn in his prescriptions and pick them up.  I had him in the wheelchair.  I put the wheelchair away and took it out. 

We tend to acquire older drivers with back issues. 

We went into the very busy store.  They will not be closing it any time soon. 

We went to the pharmacy and turned in the prescription.  They said it would be half an hour.  Not bad for a Saturday afternoon. 

Even better when it only cost $32 for everything.  We called our driver and got ready to leave. 

We talked some about the blackouts he had while taking Neurotin, several years ago.  I basically showed him my scars.  He was really shocked the memories were so vivid.  He assured me he would be very careful with his drinking and there would not be any blackouts. 

But I've heard that before. 

I told Ron I would like to get some BBQ, we never got a chance to have a "real" birthday or anniversary dinner.  He agreed, the driver agreed, and we went out to a very good BBQ place not far from the Walmart.  They have a really good cheesecake and an exceptional smoked turkey. 

Ron was in his wheelchair.  When we got into the restaurant he ordered his food, then started "begging" for a beer.  I told him I didn't see any.  The employee told me where to get it.  I had already pushed the wheelchair past the cooler so I joked, "OH, I'm already past it, too late". 

Ron kept begging for a beer.  By now I was getting pissed.  He did this before at another restaurant and someone yelled at me.  Ron kept crowing about how the man had yelled at me to "Get the man a beer!" 

I kept pushing him toward the register.  The employee shouted at me to get Ron a beer. 

Ron smirked.  I shook my head.  The man yelled at me again. 

I am sorry to admit I caved and got Ron a beer. 

When we got to the table, I let him have it.  I told him I was sick of his little game of begging for beer and trying to "shame" me into breaking my rule of never providing him with alcohol.  If he wants validation, I think, he should go to a bar, but stop begging like an alcoholic. 

In fact, I will remind him it makes him "look like an alcoholic".  Ron is very proud and doesn't want to be seen "that way" so maybe that will help. 

I continued.  I told Ron, I would never buy him beer again.  Tomorrow I will tell him, if he starts begging for beer I will loudly discuss his behavior during a blackout, and I know he doesn't want that getting out. 

I was furious.  I don't appreciate him manipulating other people into "shaming" behavior to support his habit.  As far as I was concerned, he ruined a perfectly good dinner. 

I'm still trying to forgive him. 

I am doing everything I can to be strong, set good boundaries, and support him in healthy ways. 

I just wish he could respect that.

Comments

Anonymous said…
What a hortid game that is and nope he will not stop because it worked. Not your fault the world is full of assholes and anyone looking at you and Ron who would chime in NOT EVEN KNOWING YOU? That show on the spot their inner core is rotten. I agree you were set up because he knew you know at this point he has no boundaries and would have said worse if he got more agitated ..so yup he won his beer by cheating you out of your abilty to step away with out being the apparent victim . Butt ugly behavior towards you that you didnt deserve. Perhaps sadly because you enjoy this place ..just avoid going if they sell alcohol ? i have no bad feelings towards Ron , please know i am in a similar relationship, the only thing different? My husband is being similar due to his mental health and doesnt drink, he is a stonewaller with Adult high functioning autism..he has been so good to me such a sweet generous man until the biology that causes his overloads causes my life complete hell... The past few years it has been so bad..i truly feel on a knife blade crossing a lake full of alligators and no matter what side i jump off to stop the pain? I Am chewed up and spit out to walk across again . I have stopped going with him anywhere for now , we dont share bedrooms either and i may have to leave because he seems so unhappy with himself he hammers me . He adores me and hates me and i have realised like you " it is out of my hands " . So i tell you this not for anyother reason than to let you know, you are not alone . So thanks for posting because it makes folks like us who may have similar circumstances and feel emotionally used abused and worn out due to the constant drain of a caretaker relationship to a partner who has no control but assaults in a combo of mentall illness, arrogance, stonewallery and blame the person who would forgive them everything in a moment to just have the emotional abuse stop, they need the most in life yet we become the first to be set up taken down and attacked. So yes i get it, the aftermath for a big stonewall takedown in my house can last days, take care i hope you can just get out and have fun this week maybe?
Anonymous said…
Happy Anniversary. It is nice to go out for a meal that we don't usually cook for ourselves. God is certainly preparing you for some special job in the future.
Melanie said…
Heather, next time he tries to shame you into getting alcohol for him, your idea is perfect-let all the people butting in or giving you the side-eye over your "lack of sympathy", have the full story, and tell them they're welcome to come clean up the various messes, all the while being called names and being prevented from getting the sleep you need to just to stay well. I am so pizzed for you. All that's gone before has been bad enough, and I haven't said anything on this issue in my few comments, but this is just low-down-for utter strangers who don't know and don't care what you go through living with an alcoholic in denial. Let them think what they like, and if the butt in, I'm serious-give them the invitation to come clean the mess while being cursed for doing it. That is the cheapest, most hypocritical form of "sympathy", for Ron, I can imagine-it's easy for them to be all "poor Ron" and choose to see you as a hateful controller when they wouldn't lift a finger to deal with the aftermath of his drinking.

So much prayer for you, and Ron-on your behalf, because I resent him doing this to you on your behalf, and will pray for him to just stop it, or for God to make a way for you to deal with it without being treated this way. As always, God's Will be done, but I think we could safely say that it could never be God's Will for Ron to drink himself into stupors, after trashing the house, himself, and the one person in the world who cares enough to take his foolishness. Those people saying "get that man a beer" don't care, that's just cheap virtue-signaling.

Well that's all, I have no doubt, that I have said anything you don't already know. I pray that I haven't angered or hurt you, I just get so tired on your behalf of some of Ron's treatment, but I know that for all of us, "the heart knoweth its own bitterness". This is another thing when Ron is bringing in strangers to the situation, and actually you might say lying by omission by letting it appear that you wouldn't get him the beer for no good reason, when, as Paul Harvey might have said, they don't know "the rest of the story".

God bless you and strengthen you dear Sister in Christ.

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