Straight

Agh.  It happened again.  More upsetting than a blackout: ignorance. 

Someone I have known for nearly 20 years posted one of those ignorant articles about mental illness, written by a therapist. 

I am not a fan of therapists: they told me, for years, I was NOT bipolar, in the face of obvious evidence, just had a bad mommy or marriage problems, nothing to worry about, give me some money and I will fix your problem.  Told me, in fact, I was not bipolar when I had all the clinical signs.  Ensue decades of suffering on my part, and, frankly, everyone's. 

So I don't like therapists much to begin with.  Add to that the ignorant stance that there is nothing chemically wrong with a mentally ill brain.  Oh, yeah?  Then why does medication "fix" me?  Huh? 

It's upsetting.  I have made a lot of sacrifices to be "straight".  My IQ has plummeted.  I need a nap daily.  I don't even have the energy to garden or do crafts anymore.  My hands shake.  I walk around in a constant brain fog - it's like trying to think, through taffy.  I'm tired, constantly.  What I take is so toxic I need to have my blood levels monitored.  I make sacrifices. 

And I need to.  We have all met that bipolar person "off the chain" off their meds, or meds aren't working anymore, and they're just awful.  I don't want to be that person.  I never wanted to be that person.  So I take my meds, as much for me as I do for you. 

You don't want to come here and read my ravings every day.  I mean, you do.  But I can get really bad. 

Speaking of ravings, I will talk in a little bit about how tomorrow is the 15th anniversary of Ron's accident, and how it has the both of us cranky. 

So I was hurt and angry when I read this stupid article.  I didn't even finish it, I got so mad.  I have gotten smart enough (probably all those years of therapy :p ) to disengage when someone hooks my temper.  But I was so disappointed in Cathy.  Doesn't she know me?  Hasn't she seen my struggle to get my mind back?  Doesn't she believe me? 

So I posted something on Facebook, basically, if you can't support me in my battle please unfriend me.  I don't want to read any more ignorant (I don't think I used that word) articles. 

Now, my day.  It didn't start off right. 

Now, every night Ron tells me the pickup time.  Say, 6 AM, which is a common pickup time for us.  I subtract 2 hours from that (one for God Time, one for my shower and prep), and set my alarm for that.  Odds are I will probably not do my God Time but I try, and I set my alarm faithfully. 

Last night, I set the alarm for the pickup time.  Thank God Ron's alarm went off half an hour before the pickup.  But I had no time for a shower, much less my God Time.  I barely had time to get dressed and check my blood sugar (113) before we left. 

We went to the warehouse and bought everything.  Ron didn't want a hot dog today.  He was pretty depressed all day.  So was I. 

We went to work, unloaded, and stocked.  Someone asked me for mustard.  I have been getting a lot (considering I haven't had any requests in years) of requests for mustard, but I know what it is.  Someone at work goes to Sam's Club and buys the hot dogs (a very nice hot dog) for $1.30, then brings them to work and resells them, probably, for $5.  But they don't provide condiments so the mustard lovers come to me asking for mustard to put on the hot dog they bought from someone else.  Someone else at work tried to con me into giving her a free bag of chips.  I let her because she was will answer to God one day.  The machine did not take her dollar, and it only says "exact change only" when 1.  It is out of change (it wasn't, I checked) or someone has just punched the selection number without putting any money into the machine.  But, like I said, I let her steal a bag of chips.  She will answer to God. 

It's really insulting when someone lies like that, it's like they are saying "I think you are so stupid you will believe anything I say, in spite of 16 years of experience filling these vending machines".  I'd rather they just say "I want something free" like a couple of them do.  If I have something (generally a leftover muffin from a pack I bought for myself), I'll give it to them.  I only give away my stuff unless Ron tells me not to charge someone. 

We were about done.  We went outside.  We caught our ride. 

We came home, I took a nap.  I was pretty wiped out.  I set my alarm, correctly.  I took my nap and got up to take a shower.  I was pretty greasy.  My hair gets very greasy if I don't wash it every day and it was not looking good. 

I got up and bathed, then got dressed.  Ron wanted to go to Denny's but he was pretty moody.  He did brighten up after eating some soup, though. 

I think tomorrow is going to be a hard day for both of us.  Ron and I lost so much in the accident.  He has been talking a lot lately about how we walked about 10 miles out of Tropical Storm Allison flooding back in 2001.  We walked all the way from work on the elevated part of 59, to North Houston near his parents' house.  We did it all in a couple of hours.  We had both worn walking shoes as we were trained to take over our "new" location.  We were young and healthy and walked right out of that flood zone. 

These days, I'd have to push him in the wheelchair.  He can't even stand up straight anymore. 

So I will probably post a self pitying post tomorrow.  You've been warned.