Thursday, October 20, 2016

It doesn't matter

Depression's pretty bad today.  It's not related to Ron, it just is. 

I hate that about my illness.  Things can be going well all around me, but it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter.  And that, I think, is the problem civilians have with my illness. 

I learned recently I may be considered schizoaffective and not bipolar, because I hallucinate.  I don't really care about the label but I sure mind the depressions. 

Why, I wonder, couldn't I get a nice clear mania right about now?  That would be great.  Not a big one, just some nice clear energy and positivity for a change. 

Instead poor Ron is stuck with my depressions "Aren't you happy to see me?" he wonders.  Yes, I am.  That's why I came.  But I'm depressed and this is my best.  Oh. 

He had some problems with his cell phone last night, he apparently put it in silent mode and couldn't receive any calls.  He asked his "tech" (CNA) to help him and the man did, fixing the silent mode and the volume issues.  Most guys like to tinker with things like that, and I'm sure it was a nice change from his usual duties. 

Today, Ron tells me, his phone isn't charging.  So I will have to trouble shoot.  It could be his battery is dead, or the charger.  One of the two.  Ron has an extra phone, I'm bringing it. 

I plan to verify if the charger is plugged in, Ron asked but sometimes people don't see everything.  If it is, I will verify to see if it is working.  If it isn't working we will swap out the chargers.  If the charger is working I will swap out the battery.  That ought to do it. 

I am thinking about getting a little thank you gift for the guy who helped Ron get his phone out of silent mode.  I think that would be nice. 

But Ron is expecting me so I may wait.  I don't know.  I'm just do damned tired and hurting (mentally).  I don't want to do anything.  I just want to curl up in a ball and whine, but I have a husband to care for, a house to manage, and a business to run. 

Tomorrow I need to get up at an ungodly hour to go to work.  Also, very high odds (according to my calendar) #6 will have another one of their trademark parties this weekend.  Either tomorrow night (not as likely), or Saturday (high odds). 

At least Ron will miss it, at the rehab place.  I plan to avoid the party as much as possible. 

There is absolutely nothing worse than the sound of 20 children screaming at the top of their lungs, when I am depressed. 


Anonymous said...

Oh honey I know how you feel I can not stand the noise of kids screaming like you I wish them nothing but joy and happy times but the way it hurts my ears and heart when I am depressed. this is a sad time of year for me so I get what you are saying sometimes even when the world is perfect the waves of depression come in and you are stuck with lead feet trying to push forward. My husbands med increase helped us ..I am so grateful there are meds he can take to keep him from being mean. when some men (especially men with other stuff going on ) get depressed they get so angry and mean it gives our self esteem such a hammering. When they are nice we want to be happy but then the waves of depression hit.

you do better than your best you are a strong woman, I can see you having a more complex diagnosis than bipo I think most of us do have muitiple diagnosis and hopefully some day when we know more diagnosed sooner in life so we can have healthier lives mentally and physically .

many many huge hugs Heather when you send them out feel them ! OOOXXX hope you do as well ..our bests to Ron sounds like he is doing very well. Sorry the depression is hitting you at a time you could use a bit of a boost , having the calendar is an excellent idea so you can prepare for the noise. as much as I know we all want kids to have a good time oh my goodness I empathize dealing with noise of screaming kids is not one of my strong points these days especially the ear piercing ..can you wear head phones? Spankadoo

Anonymous said...

Praying for God to lift your spirits. He can, He does, because He loves you. He's walking with you, every step of the way, "Lean on Me" He says. He is your strength. Hugs for today.

Scattered Shower

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