I'm just tired

Last night, Ron kept the bottle of vodka in the house too long.  I asked him to put it away and he shouted at me.  Then he told me "I'm going to have a blackout".  I reminded him I needed to get up early, and needed my rest, and could he please go to bed instead?  He did. 

Ron woke me up pretty early today. 

We had a trip to go to Walmart.  On the way there, he had a rather panicked look in his eyes as he went through his fanny pack.  I didn't think much of it until we got to the store, and Ron told me he had lost his ($418!) yearly pass and transit ID card.  He cannot ride without them. 

Fortunately, the first driver just believed Ron when he told her his pass # and ID #.  But they are supposed to look. 

Oh, crap.  By this time, Ron had ransacked his fanny pack repeatedly and it was clear he didn't have it.  He started cursing himself up, especially when I told him he had a blackout.  "I remember counting some money in my fanny pack" he said "But nothing after that!" 

I went to the store and got litter, a little bit of soda, cat food, yogurt, etc.  I meant to get Ron some TV dinners but I forgot. 

Just call me a bad wife. 

We got home and I put the perishables away.  I helped Ron look a little in his bedroom ($418!), as he found out he would just have to buy a new pass if he couldn't find the old one.  Not to mention going downtown to get a new ID card. 

I looked even to the point of raising the mattress off the bedframe, looking at all the junk under his bed, and laughing to myself as I thought of his vitriol over my housekeeping.  Nope. 

I took a nap.  I didn't sleep too well but I did dream a little, and more importantly, I was at least laying down and resting.  I heard searching noises from Ron's room.  He finally found a hairbrush he lost during another blackout. 

Our monthly report is due at the end of the week.  There's no way Ron will be able to do it after his surgery, so we decided to finish it and file it online today.  I reached for he envelope of receipts. 

And there it was.  I let out a huge grin and silently thanked God, as I told Ron "It's here".  He grabbed it from me and felt it, yes, that was it.  He then put it away. 

He keeps it in the same pocket as the receipts, so he must have taken "the receipts" out, including the pass, my Sam's Club card, and a $10 bill.  We did the receipts, he crunched the numbers and then we filed the report. 

Ron was profoundly angry and ugly about the return of his pass.  He kept yelling at God, yelling at himself, etc.  He was horrified the level in the vodka bottle dropped "that much" last night.  He was just very moody and ugly. 

Today, as part of his campaign to moderate his drinking, he had me buy him plastic shot glasses.  He had one serving and went in his room.  He's going to wait an hour before he has another shot.

I think he will be diligent about this for a few days, which will get him to the surgery.  Of course he can do no drinking on Tuesday. 

Sadly, he still thinks he is in control of it, that he is the boss, not the servant.  We know better.  It's really sad to watch his self disgust and hatred when he has a blackout, and when he puts other aspects of his life in jeopardy. 

In the meantime, I am battling a lot of nausea.  I know it is stress related but there's not a lot I can do other than drink Pepto.  I plan to eat more protein but that only goes so far.  I wish I had gotten some sliced deli meat and cheese so I could make roll ups. That would have been easy for both of us. 

Oh, well, I'll make it. 

Comments

The pass saga had me going you are such a vivid writer inwas getting tense thinking looking with you then yay you found it ...phew..
We are all cheering you on and hoping for the best outcome and insight for Ron. No i dont pray but i am living in hell myself so if you slip me in yours i will send you tons of love energy and heart , because you are real, like many of us living a public solitude. Oooxxx

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