Friday, February 13, 2015

Sad, bitter, and cheated

I'm pretty angry.

It would come out anyway so I might as well say it up front.

Why?  Well, #1, Dad's having "a procedure" done on his heart.  From my understanding it is something done with a cardiologist and an interventional radiologist, basically going through his veins to his heart and working with little robot things to make things better.

Great.  Praise God we have that technology.

I don't have any gripes about that; but it's understandably stressful.  Ron has been a complete jackass.

I told him several times today and he either 1.  Gave me the "We're all better off dead anyway" speech - he doesn't say it that clearly but it's the gist.  He even gave that one to his mother, years ago.  The rest of the time he was just oblivious.

I'm not often hit with the fact he's an alcoholic.  Yeah, he drinks every day, then passes out.  He would freak if he had to go sober for a while.  He has abusive blackouts.  Getting alcohol is very important to him.  He is even nagging me to "help" him "find a bar".  I told him, truthfully, all the ones around here cater to the Spanish population.  [If this comes up again I will tell him hell no I am not helping him find a bar, or downloading any drinking songs]

I have to think, though, only an alcoholic would be oblivious to my turmoil.  I just feel really cheated.

I mean, he may not be physically able to do a lot, but he can, should, offer emotional support.  This is my DAD.  Dad raised me singlehandedly for years.   Do you have a good relationship with your Mom?  Love her because she was always there for you?  That's how I feel about my Dad.

He's all I had during my formative years.

So.  Big Deal.  Ron was totally obvious.  You know, I could have called any man and he would have given me everything I wanted from Ron.  I'm sure the devil has a whole list.

But that's not who I am.  I am not a cheater, "even" emotionally.

I think that is the biggest misunderstanding about me.  People think I stay in my situation because I am weak or timid.  I am not.  I am committed to keeping my promises.

At the end of the day, I want to be the kind of person I can live with.  I want to please God.  Read that again.  I want to please God.  Not myself.

God has let me know (for now at least), I need to keep my commitment to Ron.

I just feel sad, bitter, and cheated.  I'm not going to cork it, but I don't think it will do any good to bring this up with Ron.

He'll just say my "tone of voice injured him, and I'm a victim" and have one of his histrionic episodes.  That, unfortunately, predates the head injury.  Part of his personality disorder, whatever it is.

I hate this wireless keyboard.  I want a regular one.

Anyway, it's been a rough couple days anyway.  Yesterday we went to work, went home and then took the kittens to the vet.  So far we're alright.  We got there early, the boys behaved, but our pickup came an hour late, as they were closing.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to wait around an establishment, after you're "done", because I can't drive?  They kept asking questions about paratransit, and saying "Oh, that's awful".  Yeah, it is.  I felt bad for the cats but they fell asleep in the carriers.

We got home, I gave them some cat milk, and went to bed.

I met the dog yesterday - #6 was doing yardwork and left the gate open.  I heard him doing yardwork a while back, and repeatedly yelling at the dog to "come here!".  I saw a lot of that yesterday.  He seems fairly annoyed with the dog's lack of obedience.

The dog isn't going to obey commands because you feed it.  You have to train it, interact with it, have it in your home.  The dog has to "own" both you and your property before it will bond.  (I read some dog magazines at the vet).  I see minimal interaction with the dog.

Anyway, he was pretty pizzed at the dog, who ran up to me.  Animals can tell animal people.  I baby talked her (he called it "Luna"), and let her smell my hand.  She's a nice, small, dog, about the size of my kittens.  I doubt she will get very large when full grown.  He kept yelling at her.

Hm.  I don't see this lasting.  Especially since the dog had a barking fit around 11, well after everyone had gone to bed.  I don't think he thought about that at all "Squirrel!  Squirrel!  Squirrel!"  "Possum!"  "Possum!"  That's what dogs do - alert.  And they will alert you to every single critter near your property.

I have seen numberless squirrels, some raccoons, various strange cats, and a possum, just on my subdivision lot,  just while looking out the window.  You can imagine what comes by when I'm not looking.

At least it's not vicious, or huge.  I'm not scared to have that next door (behind me is a huge pit bull-hound mix, you can bet I always check to make sure the fence is OK).  Earplugs do keep out most of the racket, not that I need them most nights.

Mainly, though, I just feel sorry for the dog.  I also wonder what was he thinking? when he brought the dog home. 

We had today off (sales are very slow).  I had one goal: go to Walmart.  Due to various severe headaches, I have not been able to take my antidepressant for the last couple days.  Why?  Well, if I take it during a nasty headache, I will vomit said antidepressant and trip the headache into a migraine.

I am eating a lot of over the counter headache pills lately.

Anyway, I was a little cranky, upset about my Dad, etc.  Our ride was over half an hour late and complained about "how awful" it was to work weekends.  We do; but I didn't say that.  When someone wants to be a victim they don't want honesty.

I finally got there.  I went after food first, "Stuff I can eat when depressed"
Ron - "Are you depressed again?"
"Rather, still."
He went off on a tirade about "God's cruelty" etc.  How does that make me feel better?  I have told him, don't dump a lot of negative energy on me when I'm already depressed.  It HARMS me.


I am currently cranking "Slave to You" by Pro on my headphones at a very loud volume.

It's an oldie but goodie.

So, it was a rather tense trip to Walmart, with Ron lapsing into hysteria "Your tone is harming me!  You are wounding me with your stress!" 

I finally told him to stop playing his music aloud.  I am sick to death of the hits of the 70's, old soul, and country drinking songs.   Let's just say it didn't help.

Not to mention we had a whole nursing home trucked in, wandering around absently, blocking aisles, and I had 20 minutes to shop.  If I had a dollar for everytime I had to back up and go around, I could have bought everything. 

[small scream]  They were even out of cat milk.  My boys, and Baby Girl, love Cat Milk.  How can you run out? 

I did get some cottage cheese, Biscuit loves that, and yogurt (since it has additives I'm not sharing).  I also got some more multi grain rolls.  They are good for a quick meal - throw some meat and cheese, eat.  I got some cream cheese spread - that on the roll can be breakfast (because antidepressants like a good meal).  It's all I could generate at short notice. 

I also threw a little money at my online account, but they had a really long line. 

I came home, ate, took my meds, and went to bed.  I slept a couple hours, woke up, Ron was drunk. 

I have a paradox when he's awake.  If I tell him I am doing my "God Time" (private worship, prayer, and Bible study), he will pitch a fit and interrupt.  If I don't tell him, he will interrupt. 

Generally I get around by getting up an hour early for this, but I haven't as much lately due to the [censored] headaches and various sleep-depriving dramas.  It is far, far, easier, to "lose" an hour of sleep to do my God Time, which is, to me, more important than Pill Time. 

I watched various crime dramas until he passed out, then I did my God Time.  Is it bad?  It's sad, that's for sure.  I do pray for all those battling addiction and those around them, daily. 

Ironic, waiting for my alcoholic husband to pass out so I can pray for him. 

If you pray, please pray for my Dad.  His Mom had the same problem.  I assume I will eventually. 

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