The curse of love

Ron had a horrible night - terrible neuropathy kept him up for hours.  He tried to be quiet but I knew he was in a lot of pain. 

I hope you never have to experience watching your soulmate in a lot of physical pain.  Chronic, unending, difficulties.  Strugging to get into the wheelchair, from the wheelchair to the bathroom.   So, so, happy because I got the old microwave and put it within arms' reach on the countertop - putting the roll of papertowels on top.  He almost cried when he saw them.  "Oh, this will make things so easy." 

I recently figured out how to make my music files - select my music files, as ringtones, for my phone.  I chose "Alive" for Ron. 



But it's sad.  I hurt when he hurts - that's the curse of love.  I remember thinking, after the accident, watching Ron in the hospital bed - my whole life and every emotion enslaved to his progress - I remember thinking:  "I wish I didn't love him.  If I didn't love him I could just walk away.  I could go on and have a great life without a moment's pain." 

Of course I did love him; and my care and devotion had, I'm sure, some impact on his medical care.  They fought harder, seeing how hard I loved him.  At one point I prevented a medication error - I was sleeping in a chair next to his bed (let's be glad I was in my 20's at the time), and the nurse came in calling Ron a different name.  I woke up and yelled "That's not him!" and she said "Oops" and left.  She had a big ol' needle on that tray. God knows what she would have given him. 

It's been a hell of a road.  He just seems to get worse and worse... Ron talks about "When I get better" and "When I'm out of the wheelchair" and I think, sadly, that's not going to happen.  I keep that thought to myself.

I truly hope I'm wrong.  I would love to see Ron staggering around in the backyard, "mowing".  I would love to have him help me unload the truck when we do our next soda run.  I would love to put the wheelchair back in the garage. 

But it's been months.  He's no better.  The way he describes it, pain in his "run over" leg I think the nerve woke up.  When he puts weight on the leg, the lower leg erupts into severe pain.  It's not a sciatica type pain, it's in the lower right leg - which was broken into 3 pieces and reconstructed by a nice orthopedic surgeon.  I always hoped it wouldn't "come back". 

I guess it did. 

It had all been nicely numb/dead for over a decade. 

Ah, well.  He woke up, in a good mood.  Ron really has an amazing attitude so much of the time.  I really admire him for that. 

He's wisely not drinking more than a beer every night.  He did that on his own. 

This morning I got up, had a hard time getting started.  Did my God Time later.  Skipped the shower because I got my "shower" yesterday on the way home from work - I was drenched.

I watched some "Supernatural". Good writing and excellent acting. 

We went to Walmart.  We had a long ride.  The driver was kind of a control freak.  Paratransit doesn't care where you sit as long as the seat is empty, but she told me I had to sit in one particular seat.  She put Ron in the very back.  Bad idea. 

Ron gets very seasick, in the back.  He almost threw up, then she moved him.  [rolleyes] 

We finally got to Walmart.  I didn't have much time. 

What did I need? 

I needed new shorts (modest style).  My old ones are so baggy I look like a gangbanger.  I can pull them off without unfastening. 

I found a pair of cargo shorts and tried them on.  They'll work. 

I got some "darkwash" detergent because I wear a lot of black.  Ron's pants get a little faded and drab, too - he wears dark colors. 

I got some t-shirts.  I found a really cute pocket tshirt.  When I was little, I had a box of crayons, and the crayon was "Yellow orange".  Nowadays, they'd probably call it "mango".   It's nicely cheerful.  I like it, and it has a pocket so I can wear it to work. 

I wear my work keys around my neck, on a lanyard.  When I kept them in my back pocket they kept digging holes in the fabric.  The lanyard works and I can't lose them. 

When I do lifting, the keys tend to drag and catch on whatever I'm lifting.  Hence, the pocket.  I can put the keys in the pocket of the pocket-t while I'm lifting, then take them out and let them hang free when I'm done. 

I also needed a new navy t-shirt.  I like my old one when I'm doing a henna, or doing yardwork, but the old one is full of holes - it's a rag, basically.  I got that. 

I even found a new bra, with a wicking fabric, support, but no underwires.  Cost for everything, about $35 with tax. 

[Detergent not included]

I got some food, and Ron needed 3 cases of soda for work.  Since some very nice ladies have been asking for Diet Mountain Dew, and it's a good food cost, I bought a 6 pack.  I also got crackers for work - a better price than the warehouse.  They also have the hard-to-find cheese on cheese flavor.  I also bought another scrub brush.  The repairman liked the old one for cleaning the compressors, so I need another one.  I have a compressor cleaning brush, and a microwave cleaning brush. 

Ron needed food, I got him his beloved Jack Links Teriyaki sausage, whole wheat hot dog buns, a couple boxes of grape tomatoes, and some Jalapeno Cheetos.  I forgot to get him some peach sparkling water (he didn't ask but he'd have drunk it).  I can't forget the cat treats, either. 

So, we got everything.  The cashier was kind of dim.  I won't get in her line again.  She rung everything up OK, but when I asked where she put the scrub brush she said "In the Cokes".  I told her I didn't buy Cokes.  "In the Mountain Dew". 

If you put it in the Mountain Dew why not say that? 

Transactions like that make me strongly consider the self-check. 

We had a good ride home with one of our favorite drivers.  I put everything up and took a nap.  Woke up pretty depressed, had a couple of cries over Ron's "suffering".  Ron was napping. 

I did laundry, poisoned the fire ants, cleaned up the front room, and put the extra wheelchair in the garage.  Not bad for a day off.  I also packaged our work stuff so it'll be easy transport. 

Ron just told me we have an early pickup.  I need to go to bed.