Fair to partly crappy

I'm working on being a positive person; in part because Ron can run very negative.  It's the same general thing, served again and again.  I have, on occasion, just yelled at him to shut up, already. 

Shame on me, yelling at the poor blind cripple!  LOL 

I try to balance every post.  Is it accurate?  Is it wallowing?  If so, I edit.  Is it balanced?  Am I sharing the small, sweet, things like Baby Girl lying by my feet?  I don't want to be a downer while I'm sharing my life. 

Anyway, Ron was doing it again this morning.  "Ron," I told him, as calmly as possible "How would you react if I were saying all this to you?  Giving you all this negative energy?" 

He did stop. 

See, I've learned something.  An average person can only take a small amount of negative energy.  When they ask how I'm doing, they want to hear the highlights. 

So, at church, I said "We had a horrible problem with three broken vending machines, but our awesome repairman got it all fixed, AND a wonderful man and his family are donating yard care services!"  They liked that. 

Then I went onto the Handout.  The general attitude seemed to be - don't knock the numbers.  You're handing them out, that's the job.  You may not always get high numbers but people are being reached.  Good point. 

We had a good ride to church and got there an hour early.  We hung out and talked, did some prayer time, and attended the service.  The aisles are really wide so I can park Ron in the aisle and sit next to him. 

I got pretty dizzy, though.  For some reason it only happens at church, and one reason I sit in the second row - I may need to grab onto the seat back in front!  I still feel fair to partly crappy, disoriented, dizzy, and weak.  Not fun. 

Anyway, nice people sitting around us.  The pastor's wife came over and hugged us after the service.  I thought that was really sweet. 

Afterward, I rolled Ron away, very carefully, clutching the wheelchair handles like a walker because I was afraid I'd lose my balance.  I thought I was "fronting" OK, presenting a nice healthy image, but apparently not.  One of the elders came over and asked if I was OK. 

I gave a partial explanation "I take some pretty toxic medication [unsaid, because I'm bipolar with schitzo on top!], and it's hitting me hard today."  They may think I'm on pain meds, or something. 

Ron made a good point, you don't need to go in there and tell them everything, first off. 

I found it disturbing, at the other church, the pastor kept preaching - a lot, lately - on how "You don't need psychiatric medication, you just need Jesus!"  Yes, I need Jesus for salvation, I absolutely need my toxic meds to be fit for the public, and to keep from killing myself and others.  I never addressed it with him because I find the "faith versus meds" argument to be very painful. 

People tend to point fingers and act like I'm weak - then, if I show all my scars, they grudgingly "give me permission" to take my meds, with the strong implication I'm just not as strong.  Honey, you have no idea what I've fought.  I'm a lot stronger than you'll ever know. 

Let me make it clear: I don't need anyone's permission to take my medication.  I have made it clear to everyone in my life: if you try to make me choose between medicated and you, "you" will lose.  One of my Facebook friends found that out the hard way.  Another has been unfollowed. 

Like I said, it's painful, so I didn't address it.  I had a really bad feeling he would have gone the "faith only" route and I would have had to leave the church anyway. 

At any rate, I cannot have people telling me "You don't need your medication, Heather". I do.  I will die without my medication. 

If you're telling me to stop, you're trying to kill me and I will respond accordingly, by cutting you out of my life.  Yes, I feel like crap.  Yes, I know the meds are toxic.  Yes, I know I will not live to my 80's, like my grandmothers.  I'm OK with that. 

I'll take a quality life. 

So, after church, Ron suggested we get something to eat.  I slowly and carefully rolled his wheelchair over to the Burger King.  We ate lunch.  I felt a little better but not much.  We chatted for a while and went home. 

Our neighbors had people over.  Mexico was in the soccer games today; and lost.  At any rate they had mowed our front yard again - they left the zinnias alone.  They left a couple hours ago for church, I guess. 

I considered going to bed early but I have not. 

We have a very busy day tomorrow, and it starts very early. 

I did some research, the park Ron suggested for a Handout is in the midst of a truly terrible neighborhood.  They even had a couple murders. 

I think it will be good for a Handout.