Got home again

 2 notable things: first bus was very late and I almost missed the second bus.  Both first and second bus drivers were very nice.  

Third bus did stop for me but very curt/rude, and passed up my stop.  I objected, she got an attitude.  

I'm sorry, but last I looked (did not say) MY hard earned taxes and wages were paying your salary.  I rang the bell a quarter mile before the stop, went up and said something like "Oh, boy, I can hardly wait to get home" indicating I wanted the next stop.  But I did get home so can't complain on that.  

The first driver obviously felt horrible when I told him I was trying to catch another bus and worried about missing it.  I am sure whatever happened was not his fault.  

Got home OK

 Glad I wore my reflective vest it was pretty dark at one stop.  Only a little, intermittent, anxiety.  Baby Girl met me in the yard when I came up the street.  Very endearing.  

Thursday

 I have a little time before work.  Pretty depressed yesterday.  I kept thinking about his heart stopping.  

I also remembered when he was in the ER last year for the seizures he had some strange beats on his EKG but none of the medical people were worried about it so I didn't pay it any mind.  Also, today, thinking how his primary listened to his heart 2 weeks before he died and said it sounded "good".  

Did it?  

I did tell myself I would not go all litigious vengeance if someone was found to be at fault for his death.  I don't think God, or Ron, would like that.  I did that after the accident and Ron was embarrassed.  

The doctor, if he screwed up, was trying to help and Ron was rushing him saying our ride was coming.  So I think he did his best.  

I slept OK last night I had some odd dreams but got a solid 8 hours.  So that's good.  I am actually glad I work today it will take my mind off my troubles.  

Of course coming home late at night on the bus is going to be a whole new game, we will see how that goes.  I am sure Jack is having fun though.  I wouldn't begrudge him and he doesn't owe me a damned thing.  He does me favors bringing me home from work but we don't have a contract, he helps when he can.  It will do me some good to see I can do this on my own.  

I will save the money I would have paid him.  I don't plan to do this regularly though if I can avoid it.  

The cats were good yesterday they all gave me some love.  They could tell I had a rough day.  Someone, couldn't tell who, slept with me last night just a big soft lump in the bed.  That was nice.  

Biscuit is a little annoyed at me I tried to clean his butt.  He is not good at the sanitary.  Walks around with a dirty butt.  My aunt would be horrified if he were brave enough to come out for her (he isn't).  All the other cats have good sanitation.  That's a good thing with Cleo as she is always shoving her butt at me.  

One thing I plan to get today: a bristle brush so I can groom Baby Girl.  She likes a plain hairbrush.  I have gone through a couple on her, I have found it very difficult to clean the hairbrush.  My hair is a couple feet long so easy to pull out of my personal hairbrush.  Not so easy with fine cat hair.  I will at least look; we were at the "other" Walmart yesterday and I didn't see the ones I wanted.  I also need some more Icebreakers mints.  I have one in my mouth when I go to bed because I get horrible dry mouth.  

I do like being able to pick up small things at work as I need them.  

I'm going to get through the grief process.  Although I am not sure how depressions will look when I do sort it all out.  I was having bad depressions periodically before Ron died, how will that look now?  I'm not sure.  No way to tell, I guess.  

My mother eventually got through losing her last husband, met at least one other man that I know of.  If she can do that I certainly can too.  

I did call my sister and tell her "Mom and Ron died of the same thing".  She was surprised, too.  We talked a while I have to figure it is good for me to stay engaged with people.  

I will likely get home late tonight so I will probably just do a very short post letting you know I made it and then go to bed.  

I have found I am growing, and being pushed to grow, in ways I never wanted.  But I put God in charge of my life and this is what He wants.  

More on cause of death

 Primary reason: Heart disease due to high blood pressure and atherosclerosis.  (Even though blood pressure and cholesterol #'s were always OK or quickly fixed).  

Secondary reason: chronic alcoholism.  That, I expected.  

I really thought it would be a blood clot.  I am pretty stricken so that's it for now.  

Ron's death has been ruled natural causes

 So that means my daydream of seeing the driver who ran over him hauled off in handcuffs will not come to pass...not very likely from the start but I would have liked to see some punishment.  Although from what I saw with him directly dealing with us he is flogging himself.  

Also, I will not have a finger pointing at me which I admit had been a concern.  Ron was not great about bathing, eating properly, etc. and I had worried that might reflect badly.  

I am unclear whether that is all I get - natural causes- or if they will expound on that.  But no fingers pointing at me so I will take it.  It took them 4 months obviously they did a detailed investigation.  I do intend to read the autopsy report at some point.  

That's it for now I told you I would share when I had news.  

Tuesday

 OK did a video blog.  Nice footage of me flinching as Torbie digs her claws into my leg for attention (probably wanted treats).  

I did some housecleaning today, not all of it but enough.  Mainly got up the cat hair and kicked out of the box litter, also cleaned litter boxes of course.  I have a handyman coming by today to help fix my siding.  He has helped us before I can at least get a quote.  If I think it's too much, or he doesn't want the job (possible) I can use Angie's list again (that's how I got Carlos the super man for the water damage repair).  If I thought Carlos did siding I would have called him.  But Greg did good siding repair work about 10 years ago and I remember it, it looks great still so I feel good calling him.  

And he had me in his phone book.  He is coming in a few hours.  Ron always liked him because I think the guy reminded Ron of his Dad (a carpenter).   I feel like I should probably spray some air freshener stuff.  I have a mild headache so I think I will get that aspirin down first and then give it half an hour, then spray.  

But the cats are good and I am OK considering.  

My AC is running a lot today, and has this week, going to be a bigger bill this month.  A lot of sun beating on the house.  At some point I would like to insulate the attic (better) just to help with the bills.  It is just smart, and I would like a nice thick layer of the pink stuff laying on top of my pipes when the next (and it will come) cold snap comes to town.  Of course SOMEONE working in my attic stepped on the outflow pipe for the AC drip pan and broke it... it was leaking into my garage, that was NOT a cheap fix... so I would be concerned about that again.  

It's on the list, if I won the lotto or whatever.  I wouldn't use what I have now for it that is for urgent things.  But, if I got a big $$, what would I do?  

New roof and siding with insulation (no insulation in exterior walls)

Allocate money for a new water heater when the old one goes (it's almost 20 years old).  

Vet visit for everyone...not cheap.  

Fix up and secure catio so I could finally confine them again but still have them "outside".  

You get the idea.  

Video is done processing.  There is some cute footage of Baby Girl in it.  

I need to figure out dinner, I will eventually.  That's it for now may do one later.  

Monday

 I will do a text blog and a video blog (different subjects) today as atonement for neglecting you when I work.  

Work went fine the last couple days; it is a little frustrating I was told I would be getting 32 hours a week and only 20 or so most weeks.  Can't live on that.  For now I feel God wants me here.  Good thing the house is paid off; I was also told the mortgage company sent us a refund on escrow and a mortgage payment so that will help the savings account (my "escrow" for home insurance, property tax, and home repairs).  It is made out to "the estate of" so will take lawyers to loose that.  But it is there which is good to know.  

Transportation is going OK.  Jack is out of town this week (family vacation) so I will have to ride the bus home from work.  That is going to be interesting Thursday and Friday but I am not panicking.  Mom wants me to take a Uber but I think that would be less reliable than the bus.  Bus comes every half hour.  Transfer times are generally good; I will try that.  

WORST case I get stuck somewhere waiting on the buses to start up again.  I did explain this to my boss as she (naturally) assumed I drive and could leave at 11 and I can't.  But I will be fine.  I need to be independent.  On a basic level I do not have a human husband to take care of me now.  God takes care of me, and He will.  

So I will get that done.  I will post when I get home Thurs and Friday to let you know I made it OK.  

Enough with work, I have 3 days off and I plan to enjoy as much as possible.  I slept "late" and got up at 7:30 this morning.  Mom used to call me her "Earlybird" and it's pretty accurate.  Once I got my medication right I found I rise pretty early.  The 4-1pm shift at work would have worked well for me if I had a car.  

But I said I was done with work.  

I got up not as depressed but it came later.  

Maybe a little TMI coming: cat bodily functions.  Go to the ## and that will be over.  So, Baby Girl had a hairball the other day, trying to cough it up.  She had the very nasty cough/wheeze they make.  I gave her a little coconut oil which I later found out is not good for cats, but did do the job in a pinch as I had no vaseline or laxatone on hand (cat hairball remedies).  

So yesterday at work I remembered to buy some Vaseline in a tube, it was store brand, 100% pure.  None of the fragrance or anything.  

Baby Girl (I assume her) did pass the hairball in the litter box I found it cleaning last night (work all day, come home and clean the box!  I could use a wife!) so I am happy for her, but I did give her a tad of the Vaseline today, then some treats so she doesn't run when she sees me coming.  She was very good about it.  Baby Girl really has very good manners about being handled and medicated.  I plan to give her, at least, a little Vaseline every couple days (just a pinch) to keep things moving.  Then Wednesday when I am out with my aunt I will get some Laxatone and give that to them all regularly.  I have cat hair on the floor, I will be cleaning tomorrow.  

##

In the Bible God talks about a day where you "do no work".  So today is that.  I did do a load of laundry but that's it.  I did of course take a shower, my hair was gross.  

Moderately depressed but it will get better eventually.  Pretty soon I will have whole days without being depressed.  It is harder at home because everything reminds me from his urn to the cabinet he used in the kitchen.  Plus I have more downtime.  Riding the bus I have to be alert for the bus, once on the bus for my stop.  Then walking from that to my destination.  At work I am, well, working.  But at home I have more time to think.  

It is my belief that I need to think/process at home because I need to process it all.  I will never heal if I don't get through this and I want that.  

Ron would not want me trapped in grief.   So I will fight my way out.  

One of the hardest things for me is learning to live on my own, the day I moved out of my Dad's house I moved in with Ron.  I lived somewhat on my own when Ron was in Austin doing his vendor training.  Cooking for one baffles me.  So does housekeeping that doesn't revolve around a midnight mess.  I am slowly figuring it out but it takes time.  

And getting my emotional needs met as well.  That is more challenging.  My aunt and parents are pretty good but I can't call them for everything.  

It is just a hard, ongoing, process.  At the end of it all I did love him and miss him terribly.  

More later (will do a video blog).  

 Work was fine they keep me busy which is good.  One thing I hated about the vending business was sitting around with nothing to do, waiting on a delivery.  I don't have that now.  

I didn't sleep well and woke up with a catastrophic headache.  It was bad enough I considered calling in sick.  I took some Excedrin and went back to bed with my faithful Biscuit.  I had gotten up early, the pain woke me.  

I slept for about half an hour and felt much better.  Thank you, Biscuit, thank you Lord for sending him.  Later on I noticed Baby Girl having some trouble with a hairball so I gave her a little coconut oil after checking it was OK.  I may give her some daily to help with her hip.  I just need to get a syringe.  

The other cats are all good but I haven't seen much of Spotty.  

I took my shower and did my God Time.  I figured out my lunch (actually dinner) for today.  When I have or am recovering from a bad headache I don't have much appetite but it will come back later.  I want to be ready for that.  

Mood?  I am depressed but I am used to that.  I am functional that is all I think matters right now.  

I did a lot of research into some sort of joint supplement for my older girl cats.  I couldn't find anything with 100% good reviews the two top contenders had multiple reviews contending: 1.  Killed my cat.  2.  Changed formula 3.  Made cat sick.  So I think I will just go with the coconut oil (1-2 drops each cat) for a few days and see how that goes.  Baby Girl can have digestive issues as well so maybe that will help as well.  Worst case she makes a mess somewhere I clean it up.  I still love her.  I want Ron to feel I am taking good care of her, I always promised him I would when he died.  

I mean we knew he would go first it was just when.  That accident really shredded his lifespan.  

Yesterday I checked the mail when I got home and found a Bible catalog (outreach Bibles) with a free shipping code.  Tempting.  But I have plenty of material right now so not in a big rush.  Nice to have on hand, though.  I kept it.  

Cycle is about done, after that first night it was pretty standard.  Nice to know things haven't changed too much.  It will be curious to see if I get another cycle in a month or 3 months, or even longer.  I will prepare regardless.  I could tell, this time, I had ovulated so was expecting something.  

I have my candy all done up for my drivers today.  I only handed out one bag yesterday so I have plenty for today, Jack is getting me tonight.  

He is going out of town next week, and may not be able to help me.  I will have to ask tonight.  I think he will try to work it so he can help but I don't want him to feel any pressure.  I can absolutely take the bus even though I haven't taken it that late at night.  We'll see.  I know God is with me every minute, and I do have a stun gun should I need it.  

We have a timeclock app at work.  It logged me out last night right as I was trying to clock out and I had to run to Personnel to log out on their computer.  So I will have to do that today.  

And here's Biscuit so I have to go

Back to their old tricks

 So yesterday I had too much caffeine, it is a peril when I am depressed I just reach for it to feel better.  Yes, I watch it most days.  

So I'm lying in bed trying to sleep and #6 starts up playing a loud Spanish podcast or something, very loud.  This went on for a good 20 minutes.  I was NOT happy, it was after 8 PM and very rude, I felt.  I could hear a ladder banging around so I think he was playing it on speakers outside while he did yardwork vs. streaming it on a phone with headphones/ear pods.  It didn't sound like the sermons they do sometimes.  Very rude, though.  I don't play loud things at any time and the worst thing you can say I ever did to them Ron's fire truck that came to revive him parked in front of their house (driveway was clear) for an hour or so.  But I never do loud anything because I pay to live in the quiet.  

And I was lying in bed thinking overwhelmingly how glad I was Ron was dead and away from all this nonsense.  He would never be woken up by them again.  That was a very nice thought and I hung onto that.  I decided I would call the police if it went after 9 PM.  It did not.  

Overall they have proven to be very quiet for long stretches and then they just go wild.  They have a lot of birthdays coming up the next couple months and I venture they will do the all night Christmas party again this year as well (they did not, last year).  So I expect more nonsense.  

I am glad they didn't do this right after Ron died, maybe they are more sensitive than I thought.  They were told, by my aunt, he died.  They never said a word to me.  That is fine.  I didn't expect a casserole.  

I need to take a shower for work, will be back.  Done.  I like using peppermint soap it is mosquito season and they are really bad around my yard.  I don't have any standing water but 2 neighbors do.  Peppermint is also anti-depressant in aromatherapy.  

My hands are shaking pretty bad today I guess that is from sleep deprivation.  I can clearly still type just not as fast.  

My aunt asked what my moods looked like and I said pretty consistently always depressed, sometimes worse, sometimes a little better but always back to the depression.  That will work out eventually.  Blogging helps.  

I wouldn't want Ron back the way he was, he was miserable.  He is in a perfect, glorified, body right now.  No pain, no fear, no sorrow.  I wouldn't take that away from him.  It just sucks to be me living without him.  

God worked things out pretty well, the Go Fund me was started (a friend did it) the night Ron died and got up to a pretty high level pretty quick!  I am still carefully using those funds.  I was offered the Walmart job on a plate with only an online application (I am sure she checked out my Facebook).  The job is something I can do well, the bosses seem to like me, I am getting a decent chunk of money every 2 weeks.  The hours are decent.  I can get there on the bus.  I can evangelize the bus drivers.  The cats are good.  Life insurance paid off the house it is just taxes and insurance now I save some out of each paycheck for that.  If that keeps up I will do fine.  

I would like better pay but God may want me here for a while, and $11 an hour is not bad.  I only have $500 a month for housing (put it into my "escrow" account) so that helps, my other utilities are pretty low.  Last electric bill was $115 in the middle of the summer, you can't beat that.  Friends have been good, my aunt and Jack in particular.  

I try to focus on the blessings.  I do miss having a husband but I am giving it at least 5 years before I start dating.  I don't want to leap into a bad relationship.  

Going to go do my God Time, that's it for now.  

Tuesday afternoon

 Well I did the housework, took out the trash (it looks like it will rain later), took a shower.  Got walloped with a nasty depression, sat down to watch TV after doing some of my God Time.  Cleo got up on the couch and was very sweet and snuggly.  Hard to believe this is the cat wouldn't let me touch her a few years ago.  Then Biscuit, later.  

Now I'm going to take a nap.  Done.  Had a nice little one.  

It was a 3 cat depression apparently, I had Biscuit, Torbie, and Cleo all come to me for lovin's.  And Baby Girl went under the couch I sat on.  

At some point I'm going to think of Ron, and being alone, and it's not going to hurt.  But that is going to be a while off.   I get that.  It isn't easy.  

I don't even like to write about it and you know I am a bucketmouth.  I gave Ron a huge part of my life, and a huge part of my heart, and that's gone now.  To his credit I believe Ron loved me as much as he could.  But I don't have that love.  

I am glad I committed to waiting at least 5 years before dating because I see why women go looking for another man.  I think that would be a terrible mistake on many levels.  I am having to adjust to getting my love from God, my family, the cats.  Happily the family has been pretty understanding.  So have the cats.  A few casual acquaintances have also been kind.  Online everyone has been OK but of course there is the separation.  

[sigh]  I read in my devotionals: God's workers do not get an easy life.  I do a lot of evangelism, not as much as many but more than a few.  I guess the pain is a part of the package: it gives me empathy and drives me.  People could drop dead at any moment like Ron did; I don't want to miss a chance to get them into Heaven.  People are suffering more than I can imagine; I can share God's comfort with them.  That means I suffer; so be it.  It is not easy by any reach though.  Many times I want to give up.  Today I barely did half my Bible studies, but I did get what I could.  Am I heroic or a martyr as one reader accused?  No.  But I am resigned to pain.  

I haven't had an easy life my whole life.  I have different issues now than I did, being widowed vs being married to an alcoholic.  But I still hurt.  

I think I will go do up some candy with Scripture Booklets.  

Tuesday

 So I went to work, I was OK with my setup and did not have any leakage issues at work or all the way home.  Work was OK.  We did have a person in the store who was demanding to speak to the hiring manager even though all the process is done online.  

I mean, if they're not calling you they are not interested.  It is that simple.  And it took them a month to call me although I didn't say that.  She was very confrontational and not someone I would ever hire.  And it's not like Walmart is the only game in town there are literally hundreds of stores hiring just in my zip code.  If one store won't work move to another.  Odds are they will all treat you OK and give you a living wage.  

Anyway, I got out of there at 3, had a wait catching the bus which meant I was getting home in 2 hours instead of an hour and a half.  I was wrong [laughing] boy was I wrong.  

So I got off the first bus had a long wait on the second bus but expected that.  Caught that.  Got a text message the last route had a problem but they had it as going the other way, so I was not worried.  Got off my second bus at the transfer point and saw a third bus at the bus stop, had a NOT IN SERVICE sign up so I wasn't worried (😂) about missing my connection.  Had a VERY long wait (40 minutes) and then double checked my texts, the bus company had corrected it, the bus in trouble was going my way and "slight delays".  Yeah, I'll say.  Well AFTER 5 by this point.  I wasn't really angry just more resigned.  And the homeless guy was there kept giving me the eyeball every time he walked by trying to see if I would give him anything.  I avoided eye contact.  Bus finally came.  

Now when a ride comes for me, late, I don't jump on them.  I am not angry.  I am just so damned happy to see them I thank them for coming at all.  Which I did.  He was a little taken aback.  Got off at my stop had a little fun crossing the street but made it home alive.  I called my aunt I did not want her to worry and she has an idea when I "should" be home.  Checked the mail, had a water bill.  

I need to make another payment in about a month.  My bill averages about $100 every 3 months (trash included) so I just pay that way.  $100 every 3 months.  It is easier for me and they are happy to get it.  So I don't owe on that.  But I am getting my mail thank God.  

I may run by the Post Office anyway and give them some candy just because.  But I'll see.  

So I got comfortable, flung off the bra... and I just remembered I forgot to put it in the wash.  Oops.  Oh, well, I have other bras I can wear until my next load of laundry.  I actually get them from Walmart dot com.  I have a type I like a lot by Fruit of the Loom and just get a new set (2 pack) every year or so and that holds me.  Then I have a very relaxed bra I wear on my days at home in case someone comes by.  I am happy with that.  I don't feel the need to have expensive undergarments I am comfortable running around and at work that is all that matters.  

Walmart dot com is pretty useful for stuff like that rather than hunt around in the lingerie department and have everyone see what I wear, I can just type a few keystrokes online and get it at my door in two days.  It's a good deal for me, and I am a "plus" member so free shipping.  

I wanted a treat after all that and 5 straight days of work.  I got out my phone and started looking on Uber Eats.  I found Timmy Chans.  They are really good, cheap, greasy, salty, tasty, Chinese food.  They also do a lot of wings.  They have restaurants all over and this was the "original" store.  I ordered a beef lo mein, no onions, and a side of pork egg rolls.  They came pretty quick.  The egg rolls were still piping hot.  The driver had her daughter bring the food to the door which I thought was cute.  I gave them a good tip through the app.  

I ate the egg rolls and then my parents called, talked to them a while and then got to work on the lo mein.  I ate about a third of it, huge chunks of tender beef in it they were not stingy, especially considering I only paid $8 for the dish.  This is the first time I've gotten a food delivery in months.  It was well deserved and I have plenty for a couple more meals.  

Cleo likes Lo Mein noodles, also, someone threw up in the bedroom last night.  The two are probably connected.  😂  I went to bed, slept well (thank God) and got up around 7.  I was just ready to go.  Still no leaks.  

Personally I think everything I had came out Sunday night and I only have a little left.  But I am OK now and plenty of supplies so not worried.  

I need to clean the litter boxes and then I will take my shower.  I did laundry this morning when I got up because I don't like the dryer running with the AC it's like the dryer cancels the AC.  Even though it's in it's own room it still heats up the house.  Then I am pretty much done for the day.  

I did my (work) clothes too but I put some baking soda in as well as I am a little paranoid about odors.  And I am out in the heat and humidity waiting on the bus, I am doing physical activity in the store, then back on the bus, then walking home, it is a lot to ask.  My deodorant holds up really well, I use either the Secret or the Arm and Hammer.  They work well.  

I tend not to wear a lot of perfume just because it can aggravate a headache.  It is shocking to me I don't really get the headaches anymore and a very sad commentary on my stress level before Ron's death.  And that had been going on a LONG time.  Happily my kidneys and liver are OK after all that Excedrin (per my blood test).  Speaking of blood test I need to call my doctor and set up my next phone appointment.  

That's it for now.  

Sorry about the lag finally got a Monday for you

 OH, Wow, last post was Thursday.  Well, work has been fine.  Tax free weekend should be interesting, though.  I would love to talk more about what I do but I don't feel comfortable after last year's stalking problem.  My bosses and co workers seem happy with me, so do the customers.  That is all that matters.  

Walmart's happy and I'm getting enough money to live on for now.  I am getting very comfortable going to and from on the bus.  

On the longer days (weeknights) I take Jack but he may be going out of town pretty soon so I may have to take the bus.  I am sure I will be fine taking it at night if it comes to that.  

Home is OK mood has been alright, somewhat depressed but functional.  To be expected I just lost my husband and it has been a hell of a year.  First the epic ice storm disaster then Ron dying, losing my job, job hunt, going to work for Walmart, that is a lot of weight.  

I have been really tired an hour or two after getting home, even on the short days, so I went to bed early those days, and last night.  And I needed the sleep.  I woke up at 3 AM today.  

Well a little back story on that.  TMI alert.  So I had my cycle on May 10.  Normal event.  Then nothing until now, almost 3 months.  I decided I could not take a chance of bleeding all over something on the bus or at work, so every day I worked I wore a tampon and pad.  A little inconvenient and not free of cost but worth it.  And yesterday when I pulled out the tampon I had started my period.  

So I did my usual routine and went to bed, woke up in a lake of blood this morning it was like a murder scene.  It took me quite a while to clean up.  I took some Advil which helps slow blood flow.  Got out the good supplies which I will be taking to work.  Had to wash the bedding of course.  

Pretty safe to say my fertility is about at an end.  I actually hope to do full menopause before I start dating that way it will be very clear to anyone I am not having kids.  

Now I need to take a shower, I will go do that.  Actually going to give that a few minutes.  I have a less coveted set of sheets, basic cheap poly cotton I will put on the bed tonight.  I don't care if I bleed on them.  I also put some more towels on the bed the one I had in place worked pretty well.  

I had a vinyl comforter cover but it didn't work well for me.  Maybe I will ask for a good waterproof cover for Christmas.  Or just buy one at work once my discount kicks in a few weeks.  That's 10% savings on a lot of items.  That will probably equate to me getting $12 an hour instead of eleven.  But to be honest I am just happy I have anything coming in.  I have often thought how much money I give Walmart and I will get a little back now.  

I also got a stylus (set, it was cheaper than buying one stylus) yesterday at work so it should be easier to log into the app now.  When I get stressed my hands are a mess it is embarrassing.  But of all the things I could get, pain issues, digestive or skin problems (Ron had terrible psoriasis which got worse when stressed), the hands don't look so bad.  And both my parents had/have those issues themselves.  So I come by it honestly.  I just developed it sooner than them I think.   

Am I interested in medication?  Not really I am still functional.  I take enough pills.  

Cats are good.  I am not as worried about work, I have had a super plus tampon onboard for 2 hours with no leaks.  I plan to wear/take ultras to work and double with a #5 pad, that will definitely do it.  I have read a lot about heavy flows in the menopause group.  Pretty much everyone in my family (women) had a hysterectomy so I am on my own.  I know very little about my birth mother other than the fact she would go months without a cycle, have one, back to months without.  So the group is helpful for this sort of thing.  

That's it for now, I will be posting after I get home from work.  I leave for work in about an hour and a half, I have the first (!) load of laundry almost done.  

It's a good thing I take an iron tablet!  

Thursday before work

 I got a decent amount of sleep last night.  

I have some possible issues coming up at work, a coworker issue, etc.  This co worker at one point walked up to me, asked how I was doing.  I said "Missing my husband today".  She then replied "You talk too much about your DEAD husband you need to stop, no one wants to hear it".  Also told me to "Watch (my) mouth" on another occasion when a customer tried to take another employee's cart and I politely told her we "needed" it.  She then threw the other employee's stuff on the floor and handed the cart to the customer.  So I find her a tad difficult.  

Here's a tidbit I have picked up: if it is after about 9 AM up to closing, get your own cart out of the parking lot because they may not have it up front.  And this is a couple stores I've been to and the one I work.  So I do that now.  

But I serve her the way I would Jesus, if I am assigned to give her breaks and lunches I am right on time doing it.  I also check in periodically if she needs to run to the bathroom or whatever.  I just don't share anything with her because she will either judge me or use it against me.  

Happily I don't have anyone else I would term "difficult" at work.  But I do have some issues coming up at work today and that is never fun to anticipate.  I hope I can get it settled on my leaving on time to catch the bus as Jack has a birthday coming up, and may not be able to help me tomorrow night.  And always wondering about the app is it going to "let" me log in and out today or will I have to go to the office.  

The good news I have had to use the office so much (have to key in the data 2x for that) I have memorized my employee code and password.  So that's a bonus.  

If I have time I may look into a stylus in electronics and see if that helps me with the app.  If my hand is shaking it is hard to hit the right "key" on my phone when I am typing in the app password.  It took me a couple tries yesterday.  But I do have my schedule for 2 weeks now so I am OK for now either way.  

It is a family tremor I think Dad would be OK with me saying he has it.  So did my mother, apparently.  It has just gotten worse since Ron died.  Still hard to believe I found him dead just like that.  But at least he didn't suffer and I didn't have to wait, tortured, to find out if he was going to make it during a hospital stay.  Once you get over the shock it wasn't a bad way to go.  

I hear about horrible long deaths on the caregiver board.  He didn't have that.  I am curious to hear cause of death.  He died so suddenly it can only be a few things, stroke, heart attack, blood clot.  He had a peaceful expression so I am guessing it wasn't a heart attack.  But they are working on it.  

Since I did benefit from his death I am sure they are ruling out foul play which is fine I have no secrets.  I still have the notebook with everything he ate, when he pooped, pill times, all that.  I haven't looked at it but I have it if someone needs it.  

As near as I can figure he was averaging about 10 servings of alcohol a day so that has to be a factor.  Could be an interaction with his medication even though I warned him about that.  I'm not going to worry about that there is nothing I can do now.  He would have paid someone to bring him alcohol if he didn't get it from me and I was clear on that.  But I am sure the ME has plenty of experience with alcoholics.  

Speaking of there is a homeless man on one of my routes he has a catheter and a leg bag he displays to everyone it is disgusting, one time he tried to get on the bus and it was leaking so thank God the driver said no.  He can walk I don't know why he needed a catheter.  He begs near my store and I guess is hoping to make more money now.  He's the one had the vicious dog kept trying to attack Ron in his wheelchair, the guy could not control the dog, so we called animal control and they took it.  It was a big safety hazard, what if a young mother came by with a baby in a stroller and the dog attacked it like it kept trying to do with Ron?  So I don't like him.  He thought it was "funny" the dog tried to attack Ron.  But I don't have to go out in that part of the parking lot anymore.  

That is one thing about Ron, at the end he may have been a lush but he didn't make it anyone else's problem (save the time he fell out of bed).  

Depressed today hoping that perks up a little.  I remind myself this is expected and normal (despite what the co worker might say), and it will get better.  I had to leave the widows group because people kept saying it was still terrible 4-10 years out and I didn't want to hear that.  I want to hear I can make it through the worst of this in a year or two.  I am not looking to date but dialing down the pain level would be great.  

I just hurt pretty much all the time.  I can have a good time on top of that occasionally but the pain is still underneath.  Either the pain dials back or I guess I get more used to it, I have heard the latter actually.  It's just hard because we were so close.  It has also been a huge adjustment going out on the bus and earning my own living (which I have).  The cats are OK with that, though.  

I need to go get ready for work.  I didn't get any mail yesterday but will check when I get home tonight.  

Wednesday

 I ran errands with my aunt, the hold mail request was terminated so I can get my mail like a regular person now.  Nice.  I went to the "other" Walmart and got soda, some cat stuff too.  We also went out to lunch (no concha, although we did end up near a bakery).  

I have been moderately depressed the last few days.  But I did have fun yesterday.  

I think I'll take a nap.  Before I go Spotty brought me a live bird this morning, boy it was yelling.  I retrieved it and put it outside.  It flew off.  One day I'm going to meet all these birds in Heaven.  It will be interesting.  

I mean, even if I didn't care it would make a horrible mess if the cats ate it; really in my best interest either way, to save it.  And I have a heart.  

Horribly depressed today: no shower, DID do Bible study and prayer time, did cook up some sausage to take for my lunch tomorrow.  I even cleaned the skillet.  

I managed to log into the app, check my schedule and time off request for September.  I need to get a stylus for my phone when I log into the app.  I get stressed and my hands shake and I can't hit the right buttons.  Hopefully it will still work tomorrow.  

A couple things I could worry about re: work tomorrow but I won't.  I will just go in and do my job that is either good enough or it isn't.  I read something said that kind of anticipating trouble is a sin and offensive to God.  So I will strive to avoid that.  

I did get a nap and even had some nice cats during.  I just need to treat myself, I think, like I am recovering from physical trauma.  I would be so nice to myself...emotional trauma of finding my husband dead is just as bad, I think.  

No mail in the mail box I don't know if that is no mail for today or the hold is still on for the mail.  I guess I will find out tomorrow.  

The cats have been nice and cuddly.  I think Spotty is mad I took his fledgling.  But I stand by that.  I just hope he doesn't bring something in the middle of the night.  

I got my trash pickup and put away the cans.  The yard needs a mow but other than that is OK.  He will come, he always does, but this is his busy season.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday all by itself

 I am sleeping better but I wake up very tired.  I was/am also depressed so I'm sure that is a factor.  I got up, took care of the cats.  

I cleaned the water bowl (the electric fountain one, and the basic bowl).  The cats were very annoyed at my scrubbing and filter changing but I want them to have fresh water.  When I put it down Torbie and Biscuit were jockeying for position until I put the "standard" water bowl down as well.  

My aunt is coming to pick me up.  I did my God Time and did some candy, this time I added some Snickers and taffy to the mix.  I can't do them when I am out on the bus but it will work in a car.  

Hopefully my mood will improve.  

Wow, I just looked up July 2015 blogs.  Talk about depressing.  Ron having blackouts, verbally abusing me, leaving his phone in the sink, work dramas, don't miss any of that.  

I miss Ron of course, the sweet man he was at the end.  He was very kind and appreciative.  But up to about a year ago it was hell.  I guess I need to remember that.  

And checking the blog I saw I had over a million hits total.  I don't know how I feel about that, I know a lot of it is bots.  But still nice that people want to read what I have to say.  

I will try to do a video blog later.  

Saturday, Sunday, some of Monday

 Friday night sort of sucks for me.  I go to bed at 11 (get home around 10:30) and have to get up at 5, so not much sleep.  IN spite of that went to work and put in a good day, took the bus home.  

I did tell my parents if I get on working nights ($16 an hour!) I would probably take Jack home every day as 1.  I could afford it and 2.  He wouldn't mind taking me at like 7 AM to go home.  But for now God wants me working weekend days and a couple of weekday evenings.  

I had a rather rude customer ask me how many hours I worked, I told her part time and she asked me, rudely, how I could live on that.  I wanted to say "off my savings" but did not I was just polite and non committal.  It does not take a genius to figure Walmart does not want me whining about my pay to the public.  The caregiver jobs I viewed were all $9 an hour so I am doing $2 better than that and I don't have to wipe any butts.  I was glad when she left.  

I think I am pretty sweet to all the customers but some of them you just wonder who taught them manners.  I won't go into any more detail as I don't know who might read this.  

So work was fine I was busy which I prefer to sitting around staring at the clock like I did sometimes with the vending business, waiting on deliveries.  Overall I think Walmart has been pretty good to me.  I DON'T like the payroll app it is always logging me out and has 2-step authentication which is a pain, but overall content.  Will I do this long term?  Only God knows.  

In the meantime I do my best to do a good job because that is what they are paying for.  

Anyway I will be going in a little bit.  It's only a 4 hour day so not bad; I will almost spend more time on the bus than I will working.  But three four hour days pay my electric bill so there's that.  

I am trying to put all hours worked into that context, groceries bought, etc.  It is an eye opener especially when you realize I have to work 10 minutes for one 20 ounce bottle of soda.  Needless to say I have not been drinking as many!  

I had to toss out the orange oil soap as it was irritating my skin but I used the peppermint this morning.  I don't have any problem with peppermint.  I may even buy a bar of Dr Bonners peppermint at work today.  Dr B soap has a good lather.  This soap has an OK lather but it did the job.  Will I buy it again?  Not likely but it is good enough for now.  

I also like the bug repellent aspects of it.   

Next day: 

So work went OK.  It was pretty busy, rides were alright.  I have to catch 3 buses to get home and made the connection between first, second, and third buses well.  

Some confusion at work, though.  I was never introduced to anyone as "my supervisor" but I have figured out there are a couple of lesser supervisors and one "greater" one.  Yesterday, as I was leaving, the big fish asked me about me "leaving early".  I explained I had to catch my bus and left.  

But I realized there is a lack of communication on my hours available.  I can only work until 10 PM and that on the two nights they need me (someone else is off on those nights and I cover).  The last bus leaves that stop at 10:16 to take me home and I get home at midnight.  Again, have to take 3 buses.  It doesn't work to take the bus the other way it is not a good connection on the routes and the last bus to get me home stops running pretty early that way.  So better to take the longer road...anyway she does not know any of this and I will have to explain and hope she is OK with this.  

In my defense I am a very hard worker, never tardy, never absent, do my job as I'm told to do it, etc.  I am polite and friendly with everyone and I think am worth keeping.  But will she?  We'll see.  I need to run into either her or personnel and them in a talking mood and not busy to explain this.  

There are still plenty of places hiring around here worst case.  I will use the word "disabled" and hope that helps.  I mean, other than transportation I think I am an ideal employee.  Worst case maybe they could put me on overnights (could do that) and make $5 more an hour.  God has this.  

It always seems some work issue pops up on my day off and the devil wants me to ruin my time off freaking about it.   And I won't.  That gas station right around the corner is still hiring.  

I had a good chat with the last bus driver to bring me home, Sunday.  He is a very nice and friendly man.  Years from now I could see myself dating a bus driver.  For now it is just nice to see a friendly face.  He is always delighted with the candy.  

One thing when I fix up Ron's room, I'm getting one of those folding tables and setting it up with the candy, booklets, etc.  I will need a chair but Ikea has some nicer ones for pretty cheap.  Ron's room will get drywall repair (had to take a lot to do the plumbing), paint (already picked out the color, a turquoise), flooring (had to take out carpet).  Ideally set up the bedframe again and put a decent mattress on it (this is optional as far as I can see), definitely get a table and chair and move the evangelism stuff in there.  The Bibles are OK in the garage but the scripture booklets, candy, bags for candy, etc. can all go on the table.  I have some of his stuff and my more formal interview/work in an office clothes in the small closet.  

I have some bedding of his and about one box of assorted electronic junk, various cables and such, his digital recorders with hours of his recordings, his fannypack, stuff like that.  I gave his wallet to my aunt as she is the most likely to need the contents and she never loses anything.  She also has his birth and death certificates.  

I am really casting my vote for a blood clot as cause of death but we will see.  The lady at the morgue talked to my aunt when my aunt called and said it can take up to 7-8 months depending on who they need to consult and what tests they run.  We're only at 4.  I am OK waiting as long as the results are accurate and no fingers point at me.  

I don't think I did anything wrong with him, but his hair was dirty and unbrushed when they took him he hated me messing with his hair.  He would only let me wash pits and privates for a very long time any other washcloth action or water on his skin was very painful to him.  So theoretically that could bounce back on me.  

But in the caregiver group I hear SO many stories of elderly and disabled loved ones who refuse to bathe entirely so that helps.  I am glad I don't have a caregiver job I think that would be too much right about now.  Dad was right.  

Biscuit has been very cute and cuddly today.  I gave him a can of turkey shreds as a treat.  I only do it about once a month or so, a special treat for all the cats.  Cleo got so excited she tried out her meow on me.  It is such an uncertain, wavering, little meow it is adorable.  Ferals don't meow.  She was a feral for about 8 months.  So they all got a nice taste 5 ounce can is about right for them.  Then I put down the regular (urinary) dry food for everyone when they get hungry again.  

I have the printer next to me sitting on a plastic box, off the floor.  I always did that, the flood just confirmed that.  I had very little loss of personal property as a result of my burst pipe due to that practice, keeping things in plastic boxes under the bed, etc.  So it is elevated.  The cats kept getting up on it next to me so I covered it with a blanket.  When I need to use the printer I take the blanket off and it works well.  

I am so happy I have my mailbox back.  The key works great and I have a backup in my key spot.  Do you have one?  All those keys what does this go to?  Better hang on to it, stick it in the spot.  I have a spot.  I think I have the key to Ron's childhood home actually.  Anyway I have an extra key, as well, with my aunt, mail box and front door.  If something happens to me she will need to get in to take care of the cats.  

I plan to mail the childhood key to Ron's brother - thinking about mailing that - will definitely mail the death certificate so their sister can get her precious insurance payout.  I will also stick in a condolence card (he did lose his brother even if they never talked) with a little note saying Ron always loved him, goodbye.  That way they will not think I want a relationship (I don't).  I am quite happy writing the (family name)'s out of my life.  

That's it for now I will try to post later.  Should be a good amount of posts the next few days as I have them off.  

Thursday and some of Friday

 I don't talk about my exact job because I do have trouble makers who follow me.  I don't need that at work.  

Yesterday was pretty uneventful getting to work, my original bus was "hot" (fast) and I missed it and then I had a half hour wait on the second.  But I got to work OK and passed the temperature check.  I got a McChicken with my gift card (still have $10 of McDonald's left I love to use it to buy lunch now and then).  I went back to the breakroom, ate, etc.  

I had logged into my work app and it booted me out again, so I used the personnel computer to log in and out last night.  That is fine they don't care.  I didn't sleep well last night and am depressed so I will just do that again tonight.  

I went over to my work station and they wanted me to go to a meeting.  At the meeting I heard about our sales (!) and was assigned to work returns.  Returns is pretty simple, basically a large circle of "buggies" (shopping carts) and a couple of baskets full of out of area and returns in the middle.  I sort it all out, all electronics in one basket, toys in another, etc.  Two people remarked I was doing a very good job that was nice to hear.  I had to run out in the parking lot to get more baskets.  I also gave someone else 2 breaks and a lunch, as I am familiar with that job.  I got it all done and came home, called my Dad.  

They are going to a concert today so only want a text when I get off work today.  I am glad they are having fun, they are very active and I think that is very important.  My aunt has some legal forms for me to sign so I will see her today before work.  They are actually on the way.  

The cats are good.  I figured out (forget if I said this) a new soap with orange oil caused my skin irritation so that's going to get better now.  I woke up with a bad headache but the Mountain Dew helped a lot (not too much I don't want anxiety).  

That's it for now.  It is raining I hope to see it pass before I have to go to work.  

Wednesday

 I ran a lot of errands yesterday.  I got my mail, got the electric bill, $115, not bad for a Houston summer, could pay it.  Went and paid it, transferred some money out of checking into savings to cover property tax and insurance.  I knew I would get paid today so felt OK taking it out a day early.  Did that.  Got some inexpensive shampoo at Walmart (not something I would want delivered, or take home on the bus), my aunt got something as well, and then off to Dollar Tree.  

I had a gift card for a while and wanted to use it.  I got some cleaning products and medications, a few snacks, all came to a little under $10, the card value.  I let my aunt have the remaining $.60.  She got some (grand)kid stuff.  I am really happy I have both Benadryl (store brand) tablets and some itch cream.  The hives have been ongoing but not severe, a new hive every day or so is all.  

I plan to go gluten free on that.  We went to Whataburger.  My aunt was shocked to hear I only went there for the first time, this year.  It is a Texas staple and one found on every corner.  I got the chicken strip meal.  I feel a little bad I was greedy with my fries and if she is reading I am sorry about that.  It was very good but the old lactose intolerance got me on the shake, later.  I need to remember not to get the malts.  

We went to Kroger next (you have no idea how much all these trips could cost in a Uber) and got some diet decaf bottled soda and a little tea mix.  Then I gave her some good news.  

My aunt grew up in Texas and loves conchas a Mexican pastry.  Let me see if I can get an image.  

I told her, yesterday, on the bus, I saw a woman board not far from my house, wearing a uniform of a bakery my aunt had mentioned as being really good.  Would she like to go check it out?  She weighs about 115 pounds and almost my height so I didn't feel bad "enabling her habit".  She eats very practically and even with a concha won't eat the whole thing at once.  She said yes so we found it.  Sure enough it was the real deal, thank you lady on the bus.  They had some divine looking cakes and some cake slices for sale.  I would have got a slice of tres leches but it had chocolate on it which is a migraine trigger.  I did find some of the "piggie" pastries.  They look like a pig, have a sweet egg glaze on them, a little sweet and good texture.  I like those, so I got 2.  She got 2 conchas.  Total cost $2.50.  So now she knows they are there and can get one if she'd like when she comes to visit.  I have never seen her get so excited about any other food and conchas are not bad nutritionally, especially if she only eats one a week which she probably won't even do that.  I was glad I could give her a treat.  

Then we came home and hung out for a while.  Biscuit got very brave and came out in the hall, looked at her back (she was facing away from him) and fled in terror when she spoke.  Spotty came out to eat, but ran off when she sneezed at him.  I believe she has a cat allergy.  😞  Torbie and Baby Girl were right there next to her though.  They are pretty fearless about visitors.  Cleo was not to be found.  I was proud of Biscuit for at least coming out.  Next week I may give him a can of turkey shreds while she is here and he will have some real motivation to come out.   I was able to give my aunt an allergy pill which seemed to help.  So we had a pretty good time, I was still pretty depressed but I think in person I am pretty good at fronting.  

She left and I finished putting my stuff away.  If I don't get it right away it breeds.  I put the dryer sheets in the laundry room, got the laundry going, etc.  Chicago Fire was on so I watched that for a while, talked to my parents, and went to bed pretty early.  I had difficult dreams, at one point I remember telling someone in a dream: yes, they put a lot of work into Ron after the accident, but I got him for another 16 (actually 18) years after that (so I am glad they did).  That's all I really remember so I just woke up SAD.  

The cats still wanted their breakfast so I fed them, checked my email, got paid a little more than I expected (not going to argue!).  I will have enough to cover expenses and my charity debit in a few weeks.  I have the cable bill at the end of the month ($80 for internet).  I am happy to pay the internet as I use it a lot, and they made the transition pretty painless.  

It was funny, someone I know at work was working the Money Center at work yesterday and helped me pay the electric bill.  I thought that was funny.  It was obvious it was my day off I had shorts and my plastic shoes.  But that was the big bill, electric, aside from budgeting $500 a month for taxes and insurance.  The house is only mine as long as I pay.  Now I could turn off insurance theoretically but I think that would be really foolish and not something I would do.  My company does pay and are nice about it, made it pretty easy in fact.  They kept me posted and didn't make me sweat blood or beg.  The flood insurance company (due in Oct) has a very good reputation for paying and paid all their Hurricane Sandy claims in 3 weeks per a letter they mailed to all policy holders after the fact.  That is good to know.  I can't imagine how awful my burst pipe claim could have gotten if they had given me a hard time.  

So I feel like all the bills are getting paid and I am not raiding savings.  That is good.  

Plan today, get my shower (be glad this is not a video blog!) and do my God Time, then take the bus out to the grocery store and have a look around.  It is a more "budget" store so I will see what they have for a single lady on a budget.  I know they sell the ground turkey chubs which I like.  I get several meals for less than $2 and it is easy to prepare.  

Traffic will be a little more exciting but I am trying to be bolder, without being reckless.  I am trying to battle fear as much as reasonably possible.  And I have a lot of anxiety around traffic.  But I will try to focus on today being fun.  I will do some research on hives before my shower because they are annoying.  It isn't a major outbreak like 2009 and if I had to guess most likely stress related.   But if I have to cut out wheat I will do it.  

A few things I will miss, though...

Monday (really my Friday, night)

 I didn't get much sleep last night, Jack came pretty late (of course that was fine he was bringing a gift!), and then the neighbors did the usual fireworks thing.  I was not depressed, I naturally went to happy thoughts of years past.  

I got up and got ready for work.  I admit I was a bit petulant about going to work.  It is an hour and a half to two hours each way.  Why God did You not give me a job closer to home?  I don't know.  But it is my belief He wants me there so I went.  

Work was OK.  Texas cut off the "extra" unemployment on the first so everyone is scrambling for a job.  I had someone come wandering by my work area looking for the "hiring manager".  Let me tell you (between us).  I went to Walmart dot com.  I looked for the jobs link, clicked it.  I applied at the store I wanted (could access on the bus) and filled out the application, uploaded my resume, and took the skills tests.  Then I waited.  A few weeks later the hiring manager called ME and offered me a job sight unseen (although I am sure she checked out my Facebook).  I don't tell job seekers this.  I just tell them to apply online and they can also see the status of the application online, and if they are not getting results to consider their availability.  

Other than that not much to say except busier than it was on the fourth.  I would have thought it would be the other way around but what do I know.  I did vending machines, it's been a long time since I did retail in a big box store.  

I finished my shift, and was not happy to find the timeclock app had BOOTED me right before time to clock out.  But this has happened before so I went to Personnel (they have computers for just this sort of thing) and logged out that way.  I will have to re log in before work on Thursday or go back to Personnel.  Again, they are fine with this, I go to the computer and put in my user ID and passcode, store # and it logs in or out, lunch or back from lunch, etc.  So I did that.  

I unfortunately got out late enough to miss the first bus.  I use some pretty busy routes (not the busiest) so another one came a while later but it resulted in me taking 2 hours to get home on my Friday night.  I have two days off after this (which means more posts for you!).  It was pretty uneventful except for 2 things: 2 of the drivers did not want the candy, and I had the Monday Evening Homeless guy again.  

Last Monday I had a homeless guy with disgusting feet and filthy clothes on the bus bench.  The bus driver took one look at him and passed us both up, I had to chase him down and get him at the light.  But he wasn't happy opening that door because the other guy followed me on the bus (did not get off when I did, though).  

Today it was a different homeless guy, also filthy, reeking, carrying several stained bags and a six pack of beer.  And I had the "usual" homeless guy begging on the corner.  

It was a little challenging for me.  I WORK.  I am disabled twice over, mourning a terrible loss, traveling 3 to 4 hours on the bus every day just to make a living.  I also bathe every day regardless of whether I "feel" like it, and trust me there are plenty of places these guys can get a bath.  They know better than to ask me for money but they do scare off the bus drivers.  

If I have just spent the entire day traveling and earning a living the last thing I want to do is get passed up.  So I resolved, if this happened again, I would not sit on the bench next to the guy, but stand at the pole indicating we are not "together" and I really would appreciate a ride home.  And it worked.  Actually I think the guy on the bench was offended I didn't sit next to him (he really stank), because he got up and left.  The begging guy kept doing his thing in the middle of the road.  

Now one might make the point I did have the Go Fund Me but that was set up by a friend without my knowledge, given to me as a fait accompli.  I needed it of course so I took it.  And I sent thank you notes to everyone.  The second I got a viable job offer I took it even thought it means working nights and weekends.  Because I have to be a responsible human.  

This is an issue for me.  Ron kind of fed that he had so many "outs" on being a responsible person and he didn't take a one.  He worked, provided for me and the cats, paid his taxes, didn't ask for anything outside of his disability check which he earned.  If Ron could do that so can I.  

Now I will say I clock in 5 minutes, and leave 5 minutes, early every day because that works better for the bus but they seem OK with that.  The driver seemed rather harried (the last driver out of 3) and smiled I think when I thanked her sincerely for bringing me home so I could enjoy my days off.  She was very sweet.  

All of my drivers have been awesome except the one guy who tried to pass me up, and who can blame him?  I wouldn't want that on my bus either.  I got off, a little exciting crossing the busy street at the subdivision, but clearly I got across alive.  

I will say, between us, twice, going to work I almost ran out in front of the southbound bus trying to cross the street.  Not smart, Heather.  Ron would be furious if I got run over by a bus.  I need to remember to look both ways.  I am still getting the hang of it but getting more comfortable.  

That's good I was about prostrate with anxiety anywhere near that road for years.  There are many streets I still won't cross on foot, like Westheimer, or Veterans.  But I do OK in my little world.  

I still have questions for God about the Walmart job, does He want me to do that long-term?  Should I be looking for something else?  I don't feel a prompting to that... but it will be difficult to live on what I'm currently making.  So questions.  I figure God will send me a sign one way or another.  I do find it funny, instead of one boss I seem to have several, but I think I get along OK with everyone.  

The cats are good.  They were not happy last night with the fireworks but Torbie was in my lap.  Not afraid at all, purring and happy.  She spent a month at the shelter so nothing fazes her.  Much like a war veteran I knew (from Vietnam) who told me "Nobody beat me and I got to eat all I wanted, it's a GOOD day!"  Damn.  You look at it like that...Anyway I gave the cats a can of turkey shreds for breakfast and that made them very happy, they ate every scrap.  

My rash is a little better I will do a video blog tomorrow and show it off (it is near my wrist).  My aunt is coming we will run some errands tomorrow.  

Jack's BBQ plate was ample and delicious.  I have enough for a few days.  

That's it for now.  

Some thoughts on Ron's medical care

 I am watching a Chicago Fire marathon on TV.  

A lot of medical scenes.  It got me thinking.  After Ron's accident I felt like he had the best of medical care, that even a sultan or congressman couldn't have done better.  

And, overall, I felt he got really good care all the way down the line.  Exception: orthopedic surgeon who did his back, pain doctor.  But everyone else treated him well, respected my role, and did their best to keep Ron tip top.  

Notable: all the first responders up to the day he died.  Excellent care and compassion, kind to me.  Five stars to all of them.  

One doctor he had some time back did a lot of what I felt to be unnecessary testing and was not very good at diagnosing his neuropathy, I already talked about the other 2 didn't impress me, but all other doctors were great.  Notable: one hospital doctor when Ron was admitted with both anemia and blood clots.  Got Ron on clot busting drugs and a blood transfusion, a referral to a hematologist.  The hematologist NP was very compassionate.  Ron just wasn't interested in twice monthly checkups on that.  

Ron was not an easy case to treat and absolutely horrible about follow up.  I had a heck of a time even getting him to a neurologist for his seizures.  Blood pressure, he understood immediately and was very compliant with that but he was in major denial of the seizures.  

And let me tell you, Ron having a grand mal was one of the worst things I saw in my life.  But he couldn't see it; even a video wouldn't have been enough.  I could tell him it was awful and all but what really did it were the muscle aches, the bitten and bloody tongue, the severe nausea.  That finally "sold" him he had a serious condition.  

And I told him, again and again, you don't get this treated and get sick or die, it's on ME.  That also sold him because he didn't want to hurt me.  And he always bit his tongue, poor thing, then spitting blood into a bucket or towel (I always had a lot of towels in his room) with the fan running full blast, utterly miserable.  But he never had another seizure after he started the Keppra so let's give some props to the pharmacist.  

The day I got hired the pharmacist saw me in my uniform and asked about Ron, I told her.  She was taken aback.  Not really a line of work where you hear the patient has died, they just stop filing scripts.  

But at least now I think I have pretty much told everyone.  My aunt said I did a good job and very calm explaining he had died but I did get tired of saying it.  

Anyway that's it for now.  

Sunday

 Work work work.  It takes me about an hour and a half each way on the bus.  I could go to Galveston in a car for that.  Not that I am complaining I don't have to pay for new alternator or worry about pirates making off with my catalytic converter, new tires, check engine lights, etc.  But I spend a lot of time on the bus.  

The plague comes to Houston I am in trouble.  Especially working at Walmart too.  I am neck deep in public living.  

So work has been fine.  It has been raining off and on the last couple days so it makes life a little challenging but my little umbrella has been up for the job.  I also wore my old shoes.  I have 2 "good" new shoes I wear (2 pair).  Those are very comfortable and do a good job of holding me up.  I have 3 "old" pair I wore for my vending job.  They are better for short periods of time.  They still have some use so I kept them, I wear them when I have a shorter day and it's raining.  And it has been the last few days, glad I kept them.  

My little snacks have done a good job too.  You can imagine the lines in my store - any Walmart - on a holiday weekend so I really don't want to buy a snack at work.  I did get some more hard candy today I am running low on that for handing out to drivers/service people.  

I don't talk about my faith at work they are "inclusive" and I could get into BIG trouble at work if one of my little Scripture booklets fell into the wrong hands.  That is all I will say.  Worst I said, we were talking about shoplifting (people who do it) and I said "I don't care what you believe in, you will not get a blessing out of that".  And she nodded.  

I rely on God for guidance on stuff like that.  

So done with work, my parents will call me sometime tonight.  Jack also made noises about bringing me "a plate" (of BBQ) but that may be cancelled due to the rain.  We'll see.  

I have to work tomorrow but only 4 hours (at work).  I still have all that travel time but it should be quieter than this weekend.  I think.  We will see.  

Home has been pretty quiet we will see what kind of fireworks we see; we are getting plenty of rain so I don't have to worry about someone setting my house on fire with a bottle rocket.  Cats are good.  

I am handling the holiday OK.  Ron loved fireworks those long term readers will remember we used to set them off.  But I have been alright.  

I did get weepy at work - almost, when I read a locket they had in the returns basket (they had me sorting returns).  It has a very sweet poem from a husband to his wife, I got a little choked up.  I managed to get it together in a minute or two.  

I just don't cry very often.  Not over Ron, or anything, really.  Maybe the pain is just too deep.  I don't know.  Maybe I saw it coming.  

Anyway that's it for now.  

Thursday and some of Friday

 I developed an odd rash on my left wrist, I think it is related to the Boswellia/Curcurmin supplement I put in with my pills.  I forgot, the last time I took it I had a mild rash as well.  So I took all the supplements out of my pill organizer (save vitamins), got out my steroid cream, and it looks better today.  

Yesterday I also took an allergy pill which left me with a ferocious dry mouth, I won't be doing that again.  Work was fine, I got there fine and had plenty of time to do my thing before I had to clock in.  I never wear my vest unless I am on the clock.  

The woman in the wheelchair came back, she was (again) very rude to staff and threw a bunch of clothes on the floor which did not endear her to my associate.  She comes in at very busy times demanding an employee be assigned to help her.  When Ron was going to Walmart we would get there around 8 in the morning and had the store to ourselves.  And he always took me so he didn't have to ask for help.  

My gripe with her other than making me chase after her (electric wheelchair) running around the perimeter of the store twice with me literally panting running after her (she had the wheelchair in full zoom mode, it was electric), she knew I got off at 3 and kept me "helping" her until well after, causing me to miss my bus and get home an hour late.  She also complained she should get her own checkout line and "forgot" to buy salad dressing so "I have to go back".  I will not volunteer to help her again.  

If you are disabled and not working you can come into the store at literally any time.  It doesn't make sense to come in at the most busy times and then complain when you have to wait in line.  Especially since I presume she has Metrolift and has to make the trips in advance.  

Anyway, I was glad they kept me at my job yesterday.  I am using the McDonald's gift cards to buy lunch for myself at work.  I buy it ahead of time and then I can eat it on my lunch without having to go anywhere.  That is nice.  

Yesterday I started at 2 so I got 2 breaks and a lunch.  Today I start at 3 so just one break and a lunch.  I am never really excited about taking a lunch as they are unpaid; but it does get me off my feet.  Today should be fine with regards to weather but it will be a washout this weekend.  

I'm with Ron; you want a lot of rain on your house July 4th weekend.  Especially in unincorporated Houston where the neighbors all spend hundreds of dollars on their fireworks.  One year we had tenants next door, never done fireworks, got very drunk, setting them off, and we worried they would "point" something at our roof and light us up.  Instead the father burned his hand on a firework so they stopped.  

It will make it more challenging to get to work, though.  Happily Sat/Sun are my short days (4 hours) so I can wear my older shoes, it doesn't matter if they get wet.  Monday, too, a short day and also could have some rain.  

I have been praying for a boring tropical season we will see if God listens.  You are welcome to send one up yourself!  

I had my aunt screen shot the image of the paid off mortgage statement and printed that up for my prayer journal.  That is definitely an answered prayer.  

The cats are good, I didn't see a lot of them last night but there was a tomcat in the backyard.  The black and white one I believe Ron called "Marty".  It looks like someone's pet just interested in that pet door.  Pretty sure it is a tom.  No way Biscuit will let him in the house (and I don't want another cat).  Since it will be raining all weekend I imagine I will see my cats once that starts.  

I need to figure out what I am doing with litter: Walmart doesn't deliver the 38 pound case anymore.  I am not having my aunt run me to get litter every week.  I prefer to save her for things like the Post Office.  I will likely be getting it from Chewy but I need to figure out the delivery window on that.  If I order it Sunday when does it arrive at my house?  So I can be there.  I am only a couple hundred miles from the distribution center but it is a heavy item so it may take longer.  

I slept OK but woke up with a headache around 4.  I managed to beat it back (I always have headache pills in my bag) but I will keep an eye on it.  Tonight shouldn't be too bad at work, minus my lunch it is only 6 hours.  I am getting on well with my coworkers.  

I need to go take my shower.  That's it for now.