Thursday

 I have a little time before work.  Pretty depressed yesterday.  I kept thinking about his heart stopping.  

I also remembered when he was in the ER last year for the seizures he had some strange beats on his EKG but none of the medical people were worried about it so I didn't pay it any mind.  Also, today, thinking how his primary listened to his heart 2 weeks before he died and said it sounded "good".  

Did it?  

I did tell myself I would not go all litigious vengeance if someone was found to be at fault for his death.  I don't think God, or Ron, would like that.  I did that after the accident and Ron was embarrassed.  

The doctor, if he screwed up, was trying to help and Ron was rushing him saying our ride was coming.  So I think he did his best.  

I slept OK last night I had some odd dreams but got a solid 8 hours.  So that's good.  I am actually glad I work today it will take my mind off my troubles.  

Of course coming home late at night on the bus is going to be a whole new game, we will see how that goes.  I am sure Jack is having fun though.  I wouldn't begrudge him and he doesn't owe me a damned thing.  He does me favors bringing me home from work but we don't have a contract, he helps when he can.  It will do me some good to see I can do this on my own.  

I will save the money I would have paid him.  I don't plan to do this regularly though if I can avoid it.  

The cats were good yesterday they all gave me some love.  They could tell I had a rough day.  Someone, couldn't tell who, slept with me last night just a big soft lump in the bed.  That was nice.  

Biscuit is a little annoyed at me I tried to clean his butt.  He is not good at the sanitary.  Walks around with a dirty butt.  My aunt would be horrified if he were brave enough to come out for her (he isn't).  All the other cats have good sanitation.  That's a good thing with Cleo as she is always shoving her butt at me.  

One thing I plan to get today: a bristle brush so I can groom Baby Girl.  She likes a plain hairbrush.  I have gone through a couple on her, I have found it very difficult to clean the hairbrush.  My hair is a couple feet long so easy to pull out of my personal hairbrush.  Not so easy with fine cat hair.  I will at least look; we were at the "other" Walmart yesterday and I didn't see the ones I wanted.  I also need some more Icebreakers mints.  I have one in my mouth when I go to bed because I get horrible dry mouth.  

I do like being able to pick up small things at work as I need them.  

I'm going to get through the grief process.  Although I am not sure how depressions will look when I do sort it all out.  I was having bad depressions periodically before Ron died, how will that look now?  I'm not sure.  No way to tell, I guess.  

My mother eventually got through losing her last husband, met at least one other man that I know of.  If she can do that I certainly can too.  

I did call my sister and tell her "Mom and Ron died of the same thing".  She was surprised, too.  We talked a while I have to figure it is good for me to stay engaged with people.  

I will likely get home late tonight so I will probably just do a very short post letting you know I made it and then go to bed.  

I have found I am growing, and being pushed to grow, in ways I never wanted.  But I put God in charge of my life and this is what He wants.