Tuesday afternoon

 Well I did the housework, took out the trash (it looks like it will rain later), took a shower.  Got walloped with a nasty depression, sat down to watch TV after doing some of my God Time.  Cleo got up on the couch and was very sweet and snuggly.  Hard to believe this is the cat wouldn't let me touch her a few years ago.  Then Biscuit, later.  

Now I'm going to take a nap.  Done.  Had a nice little one.  

It was a 3 cat depression apparently, I had Biscuit, Torbie, and Cleo all come to me for lovin's.  And Baby Girl went under the couch I sat on.  

At some point I'm going to think of Ron, and being alone, and it's not going to hurt.  But that is going to be a while off.   I get that.  It isn't easy.  

I don't even like to write about it and you know I am a bucketmouth.  I gave Ron a huge part of my life, and a huge part of my heart, and that's gone now.  To his credit I believe Ron loved me as much as he could.  But I don't have that love.  

I am glad I committed to waiting at least 5 years before dating because I see why women go looking for another man.  I think that would be a terrible mistake on many levels.  I am having to adjust to getting my love from God, my family, the cats.  Happily the family has been pretty understanding.  So have the cats.  A few casual acquaintances have also been kind.  Online everyone has been OK but of course there is the separation.  

[sigh]  I read in my devotionals: God's workers do not get an easy life.  I do a lot of evangelism, not as much as many but more than a few.  I guess the pain is a part of the package: it gives me empathy and drives me.  People could drop dead at any moment like Ron did; I don't want to miss a chance to get them into Heaven.  People are suffering more than I can imagine; I can share God's comfort with them.  That means I suffer; so be it.  It is not easy by any reach though.  Many times I want to give up.  Today I barely did half my Bible studies, but I did get what I could.  Am I heroic or a martyr as one reader accused?  No.  But I am resigned to pain.  

I haven't had an easy life my whole life.  I have different issues now than I did, being widowed vs being married to an alcoholic.  But I still hurt.  

I think I will go do up some candy with Scripture Booklets.