Monday

 I will do a text blog and a video blog (different subjects) today as atonement for neglecting you when I work.  

Work went fine the last couple days; it is a little frustrating I was told I would be getting 32 hours a week and only 20 or so most weeks.  Can't live on that.  For now I feel God wants me here.  Good thing the house is paid off; I was also told the mortgage company sent us a refund on escrow and a mortgage payment so that will help the savings account (my "escrow" for home insurance, property tax, and home repairs).  It is made out to "the estate of" so will take lawyers to loose that.  But it is there which is good to know.  

Transportation is going OK.  Jack is out of town this week (family vacation) so I will have to ride the bus home from work.  That is going to be interesting Thursday and Friday but I am not panicking.  Mom wants me to take a Uber but I think that would be less reliable than the bus.  Bus comes every half hour.  Transfer times are generally good; I will try that.  

WORST case I get stuck somewhere waiting on the buses to start up again.  I did explain this to my boss as she (naturally) assumed I drive and could leave at 11 and I can't.  But I will be fine.  I need to be independent.  On a basic level I do not have a human husband to take care of me now.  God takes care of me, and He will.  

So I will get that done.  I will post when I get home Thurs and Friday to let you know I made it OK.  

Enough with work, I have 3 days off and I plan to enjoy as much as possible.  I slept "late" and got up at 7:30 this morning.  Mom used to call me her "Earlybird" and it's pretty accurate.  Once I got my medication right I found I rise pretty early.  The 4-1pm shift at work would have worked well for me if I had a car.  

But I said I was done with work.  

I got up not as depressed but it came later.  

Maybe a little TMI coming: cat bodily functions.  Go to the ## and that will be over.  So, Baby Girl had a hairball the other day, trying to cough it up.  She had the very nasty cough/wheeze they make.  I gave her a little coconut oil which I later found out is not good for cats, but did do the job in a pinch as I had no vaseline or laxatone on hand (cat hairball remedies).  

So yesterday at work I remembered to buy some Vaseline in a tube, it was store brand, 100% pure.  None of the fragrance or anything.  

Baby Girl (I assume her) did pass the hairball in the litter box I found it cleaning last night (work all day, come home and clean the box!  I could use a wife!) so I am happy for her, but I did give her a tad of the Vaseline today, then some treats so she doesn't run when she sees me coming.  She was very good about it.  Baby Girl really has very good manners about being handled and medicated.  I plan to give her, at least, a little Vaseline every couple days (just a pinch) to keep things moving.  Then Wednesday when I am out with my aunt I will get some Laxatone and give that to them all regularly.  I have cat hair on the floor, I will be cleaning tomorrow.  

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In the Bible God talks about a day where you "do no work".  So today is that.  I did do a load of laundry but that's it.  I did of course take a shower, my hair was gross.  

Moderately depressed but it will get better eventually.  Pretty soon I will have whole days without being depressed.  It is harder at home because everything reminds me from his urn to the cabinet he used in the kitchen.  Plus I have more downtime.  Riding the bus I have to be alert for the bus, once on the bus for my stop.  Then walking from that to my destination.  At work I am, well, working.  But at home I have more time to think.  

It is my belief that I need to think/process at home because I need to process it all.  I will never heal if I don't get through this and I want that.  

Ron would not want me trapped in grief.   So I will fight my way out.  

One of the hardest things for me is learning to live on my own, the day I moved out of my Dad's house I moved in with Ron.  I lived somewhat on my own when Ron was in Austin doing his vendor training.  Cooking for one baffles me.  So does housekeeping that doesn't revolve around a midnight mess.  I am slowly figuring it out but it takes time.  

And getting my emotional needs met as well.  That is more challenging.  My aunt and parents are pretty good but I can't call them for everything.  

It is just a hard, ongoing, process.  At the end of it all I did love him and miss him terribly.  

More later (will do a video blog).