Thursday, May 4, 2017

"You're addicted to Ron"

Recently Chuck told me something that deeply upset me.  We were talking about addiction, and he said I am "addicted to Ron".  I didn't argue with him but I knew better. 

I have never been addicted to Ron.  Back when we first got together, I couldn't afford to live on my own, so I was forced to accept some unspeakable behavior (cheating, verbal, and physical abuse).  I had no where else to go, it seemed, so I endured. 

After we came to Texas, we had a brief window where I was the breadwinner.  Ron made a total 180 change (by the way, when I moved to Texas I planned to have him "follow" me a few weeks later, and then contact him and tell him not to come.  I think he guessed that because he quit his job before I left, and came with me).  All of a sudden, Ron wasn't drinking, he was polite, he wasn't cheating, he was not verbally abusive. 

Then he went to Austin to start his business program.  I used to visit him every weekend because he wanted the company, needed help with things, and needed help studying.  I had hoped, if he "needed" me for the business, he would be more respectful.   At the time, he was. 

I was wrong.  He started the business and began cheating, drinking, and verbally abusing me almost right away.  I actually began looking for other jobs but he talked me out of it.   He "needed" me for the business. 

The cheating has "mostly" stopped.  He isn't with other people, but he does other things I consider cheating. 

And here we are.  I know if I leave the business will go up in flames.  It is something I have built.  I don't want that, and I don't want to leave Ron without an income (he couldn't live in this house on his disability check).  I am not legally allowed to operate the business on my own, only a licensed blind operator can manage it. 

Chuck has mistaken pity for need.  I am not addicted, I am simply choosing not to throw Ron out in the street.  There is a very big difference. 

I also try to live my life as if he were a really great husband.  If he were a great husband, how would I treat him when he is in the hospital?  I would go see him every day, and I did.  It was a treat because he was sober and a totally different, pleasant, person. 

Right now I would like NOTHING better than to leave Ron, if I had my own income (I have my reasons on that, which you will understand one day), I would absolutely do it.  But I don't have a way to support myself away from the business, and I don't want to destroy the business. 

It may get to the point where I do.  I have left (the business and Ron) for periods of time, but the machines emptied out and we got complaints, so leaving basically shot myself in the foot.   I don't want to disappoint my customers. 

I know they would get another vendor, and I would just be a footnote, but I feel responsible for them. 

So, why am I writing all this? 

Well, last night Ron had a blackout.  He apparently went wild with his new case of vodka and had a spectacular blackout.  For once, as far as I know, he didn't injure himself.  He did break a glass jar of iced tea but he didn't cut himself on the broken glass (I didn't see any blood).  He made noise, off and on, all night.  He bellowed.  He fell on the floor. He crawled around.  He threw a jar of iced tea powder on the floor.  He threw a jar of peanut butter powder (happily in a plastic jar) on the floor. 

Just another sleepless night, battling a ferocious headache, grabbing some sleep now and then when he passed out for a while.  I don't know if he'll be able to go to the BBQ place at 12 today, or the dentist, later. 

Ron, on his own, scheduled the trips so I wouldn't get a nap today, the one day I really need it and he screws me over.  He wanted to be the "good guy" who brought ribs to the dentists' office. 

Ron has a pathological need for approval. 

On the positive side, and I'm always looking for that, my parents aren't here yet so I don't have to face Mom's (adoptive) camera with big circles under my eyes.  The cats (Biscuit and Torbie) slept with me, they were very cute.  Biscuit is bugging me for petting right now. 

He's such a sweet boy.  I think that's the thing that gets me angriest about the blackouts, when he scares the cats. 

As far as I know, last night, he didn't.  He is generally more prone to giving them too many treats because he wants them to like him. 

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