In the mix

If we hadn't gone to work, the machines would have been empty, 3 of them would have been out of order too, and we would have had to throw out a lot of sandwiches tomorrow. 

Ron gave me a hard time about "wanting" to go to work today, but I told him "We need to at least look".  I also told him we needed at least a couple hours to manage things if we did have business (that worked well, seriously). 

I got up at 5 AM.  I got a decent amount of sleep but I kept waking up to pee.  I'm a little tired of that. 

My hands stopped shaking, mostly, but did act up when I was working on the vending machines. 

I got my shower and my God Time, feeling pretty good. 

We went to work, the machines were as I said.  I got to work.  Two vending machines ate a dollar bill - I don't know why people put limp, wrinkled, bills into the vending machine.  They just lose the dollar, don't get anything, and shut the machine down for everyone else.  The third machine had a coin jam.  I was baffled because I couldn't find it, but the unit and the computer were both telling me I had one.  I finally opened it up at the top, where it "never" jams, and sure enough the coins fell through.  Glad that was a quick fix.  Not ashamed to say I prayed over that one, and that's where my hands were shaking, too. 

I was busy stocking my items, Ron was demanding.  He didn't curse me out, but I just felt an overall attitude of extreme disrespect. 

He's so negative, and toxic.  I get he may not be very appreciative; but alternately, you don't shout at me all day, make an appreciative comment, and cancel out all the abuse. 

I don't know what he needs but I know I'm not the one who can fix him.  He has to hear what God has to say to him.  Until he reaches that point, he can't do anything. 

I just have to try to protect myself, which means tuning him out, a lot.  Then he wonders why I "never listen" and "am busy all the time". 

It's a mess only God can fix.  We have to get up early tomorrow (2 AM) for a soda delivery, I get to put it away, and do everything I did today all over again. 

If I had known Ron would become an alcoholic I never would have married him.  I never would have quit my career to work for him. 

I am now considering getting some vocational training as a CNA (nurse aide) or Home Health Aide ("Helper") just so I have a backup.  I feel a need to ensure I can support myself. 

I've been out of the office/accounting game for so long I doubt I could get back.  Food service = atrocious hours and no real pay unless you have a degree, and I don't have time for that. 

However, as my Facebook proves every day, people need help with their aging and disabled loved ones.  THAT, I know.  I have seen enough "helpers" riding Metrolift to know they aren't required to drive, either. 

Of course I will be praying on it but it's in the mix.