I won't

I slept pretty good last night, considering I woke up a couple times to pee. 

I'm getting there. 

I got up, did my shower and God Time.  The rest of the day was pretty horrific. 

Ron spent most of the day shouting at me, accusing me of "trying to be perfect" etc.  Have I ever come off that way here?  If anything, this whole blog is about exploring my imperfections.  I was thinking today what a bad idea it was to put all the bills in Ron's name.  He did it, I didn't, but now if I ever need to move out I have a blank slate, not a good thing creditwise (except for an old hospital bill I did pay over a course of years). 

We went to Walmart, then we went home.  He only wanted an hour instead of 1:45 the paratransit company had "gifted" us, so he called someone, and paid them, to make it an hour by picking us up and driving us home.  I had told him I was fine with the longer period of time, in fact I prefer to have more time, but Ron only wants to spend an hour at Walmart, so that's all we do, because he controls transportation.  Then he shouted at me for "deceiving" him. How could he hear me, he was so busy having a tantrum he couldn't hear anything I said.  He kept yelling "I only wanted an HOUR!". 

I was thinking today he is very controlling.  He told me he was fine with me cutting my hair short, twice, then both times said "Well, I really like it long".  Why not just tell me before I cut it? 

He yells at me about my weight - harangues me, and then wonders why I don't want to go out to eat, primary activity #2 (aside from drinking).  He has over two decades of horrific blackouts, then a 5 year tantrum (still ongoing) because I refuse to be involved in buying him alcohol. 

Then he does stupid tricks like trying to use my abusive past against me, in below the belt fashion.  But he can't remember the details so it becomes comical. 

He gets obsessed with stupid, irrelevant, theological details, pouts, and tantrums at God because He's coming back on His schedule, not  Ron's.  Ron doesn't like anything in his life to revolve around anyone, or anything, else. 

Some of it is the head injury, it just amplifies everything.  The rest is just Ron being a very selfish man. 

Funny thing, when I controlled the finances and paid all the bills, he was sweet and supportive.  He couldn't have been nicer, except for nagging me to give him money and whining about being alone all day.  And listening to the telephone dating line. 

Now he's having a tantrum because he got some food stuck in his throat and I didn't freak out.  "If you can talk" I told him "You're not choking".  Now he's going into the "You'll miss me when I'm dead" routine. 

If he keeps it up, I WON'T. 

In fact, he keeps going on about how he's going to die, I'll miss him when he's dead, I'll be happy when he's dead, etc.  He knows I hate him, he's only ever told me "the truth about how you are" etc. 

How deluded! 

I told him, if he was thinking about suicide, that would be a very bad idea because God has a way of having people survive attempts, but with more physical problems.  He muttered agreement, but if he keeps this crap up I'm going to put my jeans on and call an ambulance.  Maybe a couple days downtown, a forced dry out, and the initiation of antidepressants would do him some good.