God using me

Last night I had a series of worst case scenario nightmares, all featuring Bad Things happening to Ron.  It was exhausting.  I feel like I need another 8 hours. 

"Why is it" I said on Facebook "I will tell anyone about the hallucinations and mood swings, but hide the anxiety like a porn addiction?"  Good question. 

Maybe it's just living with Ron.  He has some kind of depressive disorder.  No one is that negative all the time, that depressed, without a brain chemistry issue at play.  I dearly wish I could get him diagnosed and medicated, not so he would "shut up" but because I don't like to see anyone suffer, much less my husband. 

The cats are good, Biscuit greeted me when I woke up this morning, smelling my nose and meowing cutely.  When I got up I gave him his can of food.  My vet will be so happy, she wants them on canned food. 

Of course, if you've ever read the label on a can of cat food, you'd doubt the wisdom of that!  "You want me to feed him that?"  And I feed a good brand (Fancy Feast). 

We have today off.  I need to buy some things online for the business, and Ron wants to buy a HD antenna.  His goal is to buy inexpensive small TV's and pair them with the antennas, then fire the cable company.  I'm all for saving money. 

"I'm not married" I told him "To any one program".  That's true.  I'd miss my internet far more than I'd miss my cable. 

I only regret I'll have to give up my old, low-def, TV.  I get very attached to things.  That's a mixed blessing, but I'm very fond of it.  We've had many good hours watching shows together. 

I also worry if I'll have the brains to set the things up.  Things are different, medicated.  Having just had paranoid fantasies of job hunting after Ron's death, fantasies running for hours, I'll stop there.  I wouldn't want to scare an employer. 

Needless to say, I wouldn't aim for "top of the class" type jobs.  I would go for basic service jobs and maybe some part time accounting assistant work.  After all, I do help Ron with the accounting.  I'm good at that. 

I also think I'd make a good caregiver. 

Anyway, hopefully this will work.  I am fine with the changes.  I'm the one who got Ron to kill the landline phone, years ago, and he's never missed it. 

Yesterday Ron forgot his phone and was beating himself viciously all day long.  I'm glad, I told him, you forgot it and not me.  I'd hate to have that pointed at me all day.  He has, on occasion.

It was simple to fix, I called Sandwich Guy and told him to call me, then confirmed the delivery time.  Later on, I called paratransit and confirmed our pickup time.  Everyone was very nice and probably a little curious to hear what I sounded like.  Ron spends a lot of time on the phone with paratransit. 

That was all.  No big deal, to me, but Ron found it a major issue and kept telling me how he was going to fix it. 

Funny fact, he made a big point - does every day - of reminding me to make sure I had my keys, badge, and phone. 

I carry a huge ring of keys that reminds me of some kind of warden.  I wear my phone in a belt holster, and the badge goes in a neck wallet.  I wear everything, basically.  It works for me. 

I have found the simple methods work best.  If it's on me, I can't forget it. 

I also carry my bus pass in the wallet, I have about a $20 credit on it, which, with my discount, is probably a month of service.  Ron once got very ugly and refused to take me home, and I had to beg him for bus fare.  That's not the kind of thing you forget.  I won't put myself in that position again, ever.  Funny thing, though, they rode him around and I got home before he did.  He was pretty irked. 

God does have a sense of humor, let me tell you.  :) 

So, if I know he has tendencies, I can work to protect myself.  Should do that. 

I have some issues with the Bible at times, it tells me to submit to Ron as a spiritual leader, but he's not.  He is very negative and calls my faith "a waste of time".  Clearly, if I went along with that, I would hurt myself.  I prayed about it and God told me to treat him as the "unbelieving husband".  If he wants to live with me, do it, and if we separate don't remarry.  Ron won't be throwing me out so it's my job to protect myself from abuse, guard my faith as a valuable asset, and try to have a good witness. 

Like at work, the other day.  I didn't shout back and call him names.  I just walked away.  People saw that.  They know what they would do in that situation.  People know I am a woman of faith, after Ron's accident ALL I wanted was prayer. 

Hopefully, I make a small impact.  If I do, it's just God using me.