The Wringer

I'd like to think I was truly grateful for all the good in my life.  It would shame me to think I hadn't given God thanks for the everyday luxuries I enjoy every day.

Example, today I went to Foodtown.  If I get there at JUST the right time, I can "catch" the ground-beef-for-$1-a-pound-at-the-sell-by-date-special.  Today, happily, I did.  I got 8 pounds, and made cheddar burgers (I'm sure Foodtown was happy to sell me the spices and sharp grated cheddar cheese, too).  It took me hours but it's worthwhile.

Besides, I needed to stay busy.  Today my mind went through the wringer.

The sad thing, no external provocation (other than a few spiritual things like the Bible handout last week).  Just, trouble.  Weird thoughts.  Paranoia.  Obsessive thoughts about a subject, and ugly ones, too.  It's like I was in an all-day sword fight.

Parry thrust, Lord, help me take my thoughts captive.  Lunge - Bad Thoughts are back.  "Put Your thoughts in my head, Lord".

And it was a good day!  We "made groceries" (local slang), came home, put them up.  Went to work.  Stocked.  Praise God they're buying the soda, at least.  Went home.  Went to Starbucks.  Came home.  I started smoking the cheddar burgers while watching Iron Man.  Kidded around with Ron, Iron Man or werewolves... tough call.  When I finished the first batch, gave one to Ron.  He adores it.  He adores me.  He loves me more than anyone else ever could in the world..  [giggle]  He's a big fan of the cheddar burger.  I make a Ron version with chopped onions and lots of cayenne.  Words can't express his joy in eating them.

So, a good day, right?  Wrong!  I had a helluva battle today.

How do I view it?  Well, I assume most of my readers are NOT mentally ill.  I also assume plenty don't share my faith.  That's good.  Kudos to you for learning!

I would say it is probably 90% chemical; and 10% spiritual.  Which means I took everything as directed, to the letter, and will call Doc on Monday if I don't get relief; and I'm going to pray up.

The chemical angle is easy to address and understand; the spiritual, not so much.

Here's my theory.  The evangelistic work I do angers Bad Things.  To keep me humble and dependent on Him, God does allow Bad Things to attack me in various ways (mental illness, problems with Ron,  anxiety, etc).

So, as I've taken my medication, I will be praying, turning myself over to God, asking Him to keep me useful even if it means my brain goes through the wringer again and again and again.  Asking Him to guide me in managing my illness and my interactions with others.  I need that guidance.

I want to be useful, to God, no matter what it takes.

As Ron once said, "This life is a fart compared to eternity".