Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Caregiver burnout

Last night Ron told me I was on my own if I wanted to go to Walmart today.  He gave me some money and told me to get a cab, he didn't want to go. 

This morning I got up around 7:30.  Biscuit was in my bed with me, and so was Torbie.  It was really nice snuggling with the two cats.  I had a mild headache so I got up. 

I used the bathroom and took some aspirin.  I fed them wet food, but Biscuit was sitting on the bucket of dry, denying me access.  I fed them some dry later.  Torbie loves dry food. 

I took my shower and did my God Time, then called Lou the Cab Driver to take me to Walmart.  He was happy for the trip.  I like to think it's because I treat him with respect and tip pretty well. 

I got to Walmart, I had some interesting things on my list, protein bars, vitamin A, canned food (in case the tropical thing comes to visit, and it's a good idea to have canned food on hand anyway), ant baits, and cat food. 

I got everything on my list.  I thought it was cute, we had 2 other cat ladies and a cat guy on the cat food aisle.  I had to ask the cat guy to move so I could access the Fancy Feast Salmon pate.  They sure love that stuff. 

I got some other stuff, chips, ice cream, basically comfort food for me.  I hadn't eaten yet so I went to McDonald's after paying.  I bought Ron a burger and got myself some chicken nuggets.  I ate the nuggets there and took my medication. 

I did get a little queasy afterward, so I think I need to do nuggets + something else, a shake, some fries or something.  I hate it when I get queasy. 

I ended up eating a bag of peanut butter M&M's and that worked just fine. 

I called Lou back, he could come and get me.  I had asked him to try if he could. 

Yay!  I wouldn't get stuck at Walmart with all my stuff, like I did that one time.  Chuck's truck is in the shop so I wouldn't have that option, this time. 

I came home and put my stuff away, Ron was semi-awake.  He had a bottle of vodka in his bed.  He was using his back massager to "vibrate" his legs and Baby Girl was sleeping with him. 

I thought it was pretty cute.  I tried to give Ron his hamburger and he threw it on the bed, yelling that he was deleting files.  OK.  Not sober, or nice, burger is going in the fridge.  He has to sober up some time. 

I put his Spaghettios with meatballs in front of the microwave so he has something to eat, if he ever decides to eat. 

I took a nap, Ron was pretty quiet. 

I made the mistake of telling him I was awake, when I got up.  I had planned to clean up because tonight is garbage eve.  The trash collectors come tomorrow so I can fill up that garbage can with all my unwanted stuff.  I was really going, too. 

But Ron kept interrupting me every 30 seconds, it seemed, yelling gibberish and making demands.  One of which was for me to find his bottle of vodka and put it in his hand.  I told him "You know I won't do that". 

He yelled he was in pain, but he sounded more drunk than anything.  I am absolutely certain the medical profession can provide Ron with a painkiller that will serve him better than alcohol.  I didn't say that, he wasn't rational enough to hear it.  He went off on me, lots of verbal abuse, name calling, threatening to divorce me, etc.  Calling me fat.  He did that, a lot. 

That, I don't really take personally because I am overweight.  It's like calling me someone who wears glasses.  Of course I am. 

At any rate, I didn't respond so he eventually wore down.  He fell asleep.  He is sleeping right now, I will enjoy it while it lasts. 

I just hope he doesn't do the yelling for me every 2 minutes thing tonight when I am trying to sleep.  I will yell at him if he does that. 

Oh, I feel like a poster child for caregiver burnout. 


Anonymous said...

Being that I am also a caregiver, just know that you are doing the best that you can do at the moment. I don't deal with the verbal abuse you do...and I wouldn't manage as well as you do. You could however use a break, so take one if it comes your way. Take care, prayers for you dear. JJ

Anonymous said...

You are the poster child for burn out OOOXXX
I am so sorry this is happening

Anonymous said...

When Ron dies you will no longer have an income. Why don't you try to get disability again? I believe they always deny you the first time. At least this way you can ride paratransit yourself. I also recall you said you were not named as Ron's benificiary when he dies. If not you need to get that squared away ASAP. You really have to take care of you first and him second. Since his actions show he is selfish and does not care about what would happen to you if he dies.

Also please stop rewarding his bad behavior and drunkeness by bringing him home food. Especially when the reason he didn't go to work or a place you had scheduled was because he was drunk. Though I do believe if he didn't pay for your cab rides you would have to take the bus so he has more power than you do in the relationship and that makes it worse.

A trip to the hematologist

I slept OK but woke up really tired.  I hit the snooze alarm a few times, much to Biscuit's disgust.  But I'm getting ahead of mys...