Strong

"You know," I told Ron sadly "[your actions] live forever."  Then I walked off and went to the bathroom. 

I woke up with yet another headache.  Ron, convinced the weather man was right, insisted we delay our trip to the warehouse "Until the rain had passed". 

Well, the rain passed about 5:30 AM today, and I had to sit around the house waiting to go to work at 1 PM.  We finally went to the warehouse, which was a screaming hell that didn't help my headache. 

I got the supplies.  "Ron" I told him "There's a problem with the Pepsi.  It's too big.  It won't fit."  He cursed me out and demanded I buy it anyway.  So I did. 

I got the rest of the supplies, and minimal stuff for my departments, and got the hell out.  The only benefit as I saw it: 3 cart attendants, any of whom could have helped me load the truck (one did). 

We got to work, I unloaded, I started working on snacks.  Ron found the Pepsi we had bought last time, the Pepsi I had repeatedly talked to him about, and blew up.  How could I be so stupid?  Bad communicator!  Etc. 

I finally said "Ron, this is verbal abuse and I'm not going to stand here and take it."  and I walked off. 

He continued to harangue me about my "poor communication". 

"Ron" I told him "What else could I have done?  I told you, it's too big.  I told you, it won't vend.  I told you, we shouldn't buy more.  I told you "It won't fit".  What else could I have told you?" 

He said I didn't ask him for feedback.  "Ron" I replied "You were shouting at me." 

He told me I was a bad communicator and I replied I had told him, repeatedly, he had simply chosen not to hear what I said.  He got on the "feedback" thing again. 

"Ron" I told him "When I do that you shout at me.  When I don't do that, you shout at me.  What's the point?  You'll just shout at me anyway."  He told me to remind him that he had "asked for it".  He always says this, and then when I give him feedback he shouts at me, I try to remind him, he shouts some more, and I give up on the "feedback" thing altogether. 

[Sigh]  Surprisingly, the headache did not return during all of this, and I managed to keep my end of it low key and private. 

"Ron" I reminded him, on more than one occasion.  "I'm the only one here for you.  You've got one person helping you.  That's it."  Implied, you should treat her with more consideration. 

"You know" Ron said "That's a bad thing I do, but I feel like you hurt me (why, by warning him the sodas were the wrong size?), so I have to hurt you back."  That's when I told him "Actions last forever." 

If I had "permission to speak freely" I would have said "The soda won't even matter in a week, but your words will last a very long time." 

Later on he said "I don't want to scare you" (yes he did) "But (our finances) are all a house of cards and one day..." 

"Either it will or it won't" I replied blandly.  "We'll see." 

It's manipulation.  I'm supposed to have anxiety about finances instead of focusing on his bad behavior. 

It was exhausting.  I was less tired after I ran 7 miles one night. 

He is very emotionally abusive.  He admits it, in context. 

A good example.  "I don't mean to hurt you... but you're really messed up, I need someone "better" than you" - he made that comment a couple of times.  The next time he starts with the not wanting to hurt me I'm going to say "Good, then stop right there and don't say it." 

"I love you..." he started at another point. 

"But..." I interjected.  He started to talk in agreement and realized what I was doing, I was already putting in the modifier before he could, realizing he was giving me the kiss before the slap.  He gave some excuses why there is always a "but" in why he loves me, I wasn't receptive, and he left. 

At another point he was complaining how I was "so broken, and he needed someone better".  "Why did God have to give him a broken woman?" 

"Ron" I replied sadly.  "You say I'm broken.  What are you?"  I walked off.  I hope he realized I was making the point: as bad as his physical problems are, the hearing loss, blindness, brain damage, mobility issues, I have never once made him feel bad about things he can't control.  Never have I done this. 

I'm wrong.  ONCE.  He used the toilet and it flooded.  He was standing in the doorway while I frantically tried to clean up.  He made some comment to me about sorry he couldn't help. 

"I wish" I told him in frustration "You weren't blind, and you could clean this up yourself!"  That was it.  That is the worst thing I have ever said to him about his problems. 

He does it, ongoing.  At the core of it he refuses to believe my problems, if they even are a factor, are just as "real", organic, and legitimate as his own.   

Funny thing, though, reading all this I'd say I'm pretty damned strong.  Not many women could put up with 24 years of this and still have a strong faith in God, much less any kind feelings towards Ron! 

Do you know one of his ex girlfriends tried to kill him?  I believe it completely, but I'm not going to prison for anyone!  If I really wanted to "get" Ron I would just leave him.   

At another point Ron was telling me, in addition to all my other job duties, I have to maintain the inventory and make sure "all the drinks" are in the refrigerator. 

"Ron" I told him "I do snacks, food, deliveries, and more.  You do drinks." 

"What?!"

I repeated myself.  "You do drinks.  Why can't you take care of that yourself?  Take a look and tell me what you need in there, rather than expect me to do it?" 

"Oh." He replied.  "I thought you said 'All you do is drink.'"

No, I responded.  His drinking was his issue, not mine.  He agreed he would check the fridge and tell me what he wanted. 

I am exhausted.