Unacceptable

Ron is now drinking and sulking in the kitchen.  Why?  I wouldn't watch a movie with him. 

Well, to be more accurate, I wouldn't watch his movie with him.  When I turned on my TV "Riddick" was starting.  I like the series, I hadn't seen it.  I wanted to watch the movie so I did.  "Pitch Black" is still the best of the series. 

Ron could have watched it with me. 

He chose not to, then he sulked because I didn't watch the one he had chosen.  "Ron," I told him "I don't want to watch a romance movie every night." 

1.  It's unrealistic. 
2.  When married to an emotional abuser, it's very depressing.  I didn't tell him that.  I just told him I didn't want to watch a romance movie every night.  It is abusive to make me sit through a movie where the guy's all respectful and appreciative, when I don't have it.  Cruel.  I wish I could tell him that.  He would just say it was my fault, if I were "better" he would act like the guy in the movie. 

Now he's making threats: he's going to send me away, he's going to have an affair, our marriage is over.  All because I refused to watch a romance movie with him. 

No, he's decided, it's all over.  I have destroyed my marriage by refusing, I'll remind you again, to watch a romance movie with him. 

I need to go to Walmart to buy headache pills, cat food, and groceries.  Ron decided to "punish" me by cancelling the trips, telling me to "take the bus" (that would be a 3 hour round trip and over a mile of walking, assuming I could even carry the groceries), or "take a cab" - they never do pickups at Walmart on the weekend.  One day I waited nearly 3 hours, before giving up and calling someone else to give me a ride home. 

Great.  I will go sometime next week, hoping, in the meantime, I don't get a lot of headaches. 

I'll let you draw your own conclusions.  I'm going to leave it at that.  I think, in a situation like this, it is better to just relate factually and leave it at that. 

An evangelist I respect once wrote that the Devil loves to attack us (believers doing evangelism) through our own families.  The closer the relationship, the worse the attacks (my view).  I certainly can't argue with that. 

I want to be more than Ron's "playmate".  What do you want to do?  OK, let's do it... seldom even once considering what I might like to do, or the fact that sometimes I'd like to spend some time by myself.  We will only consider your wants/needs and seldom consider mine.  He sleeps in the afternoon and is up all night (generally quiet, and for that I thank him), so he has plenty of time to himself - but gets bitter, resentful, and abusive when I ask for time for myself.  It's totally unrealistic. 

There's a reason people get time off.  They need a break, whether it's a job, avocation, or relationship.  We need an 8 hour break every night: sleep.  I think any specialist would say wanting, needing, and obsessing about being together 24/7 is a sign of a deeply unhealthy and codependent relationship, especially when you factor in the general lack of respect and verbal abuse.   Whenever I set a boundary, even a small one, he throws a tantrum and gets extremely verbally abusive.  He also gets very upset if I have a different interest than him. 

I once took a poll, and found out Ron was verbally abusing me in just about every way possible.  Body shaming, threats of cheating, financial threats, name-calling, sleep deprivation, spiritual abuse - mocking and deriding my faith, you get the idea. 

Worst of all, I find myself getting impatient.  I ignore him.  I pretend I don't hear him.  I put up emotional walls.  I stop caring.  He can hold my hand, saying the nicest things, and all I can think is "Yeah, right.  When are you going to call me a stupid [censored] again?"  And, I suspect, part of that becomes self-fulfilling.  I don't know.  But I don't like seeing that in myself. 

I wonder if I should even try to fight it, or keep up my walls and firm up my boundaries.  I always go back to: yes.  I should.  So I do. 

He's on the phone now.  I think that is the saddest.  When he is drinking he gets lonely, yet he is so offensive when he is drinking he has driven off all his old friends.  Only one or two take his calls, very occasionally, and only then I think to gossip about how badly he is doing. 

I didn't start writing to run him down; but to share my pain.  He treats me like crap.  He has tantrums.  When he does, his behavior is abhorrent.  He thinks any form of verbal abuse is perfectly OK, and it's not. 

It's not, but he thinks it is, and no one can tell him otherwise.  I believe God is working on him but I honestly don't see any improvement.   The alcoholic blackouts have stopped, thank God for that, but that's it. 

I could handle some difficulty if I truly believed, if I had a gold-plated assurance, it was the head injury, if the behavior were consistent across the board no matter the situation.  I like to think I would have a lot more humor and understanding. 

For something he "can't control", he does.  Generally speaking he is not cruel to me in front of witnesses - no matter the provocation.  He is always completely polite and respectful to me in front of authority figures, like his boss, my family, and our drivers. That, to me, says he knows, on some level - exactly what he is doing. 

And that is unacceptable.