Yet another headache

Yesterday was pretty uneventful.  I slept in until around 8, God Time, shower. 

I got a pizza with my "rewards".  It cost me $4.60 (I upgraded the pizza).  The deliveryman and I had a good laugh over that, but I still gave him a decent tip. 

I am getting used to my hair.  I'm still not used to it lying on my cheeks, but everyone who can see me, loves it.  I know a couple of blind men besides Ron and they have offered no comment (:P). 

Anyway, I got a short nap yesterday, and Ron wanted to watch yet another romantic comedy.  He is a romantic at heart, plus it is easier to follow for a blind person as they are mostly dialogue.  I can fill in the blanks (he's kissing her, they are holding hands, she turned and walked away, etc.). 

I cried at the end.  I cry at everything except superhero movies.  I cry at commercials, too.  Ron thought it was sweet. 

Part of it, though, I was crying for myself.  My life did not go at all as I'd hoped.  I am married to a verbally abusive, unappreciative, manipulative, alcoholic.  He thinks it is "enough" to be nice to me occasionally, take me out to dinner sometimes, buy the occasional gift, and pay the bills, then turn around and call me the filthiest names imaginable, making the worst personal attacks he can dream up. 

Yes, I have my needs covered.  Yes, I have a job most would love.  I can support myself working part time in a job I usually find interesting.  But I want to be valued.

Half the time I think Ron views our marriage as some kind of transaction: I pay the bills, you take care of me.  That's not what I ever wanted.  I married a man who was living on $500 a month disability check, unemployed.  I was well aware he had grim prospects for employment but none of that mattered to me.  I just wanted to love him. 

He has taken that love, disrespected it, abused it, harangued it, and kept it up all night during drunken blackouts.  Yes, he hasn't had one in a while.  Yes, I am grateful for that. 

I know I have my flaws.  I am frequently fatigued due to medication, often depressed (not my fault!), and I'm a terrible housekeeper.  But I try. 

He seems perfectly content with business as usual.  Vicious attacks if he feels I've wronged or insulted him somehow, a steady diet of alcohol, even though it doesn't agree, and throwing me the occasional bone "You were great at work today". 

I would like to be recognized as a great person, not just a good employee.  But that's generally the only context for a compliment. 

I feel like a brat complaining, but I was reading my old diary - 20 years ago it was the same old Ron.  20 years later - same old Ron.  20 years from now - assuming he hasn't drunk himself to death - same old Ron.  It's profoundly depressing.  In fact, if anything, he was more appreciative 20 years ago. 

I woke up with a migraine around 11:30 PM.  That's a bad one.  Generally the migraine will wake me up towards the morning.  I got up and drank a diet Dr Pepper, and took two generic Excedrin.  I went back to sleep, the pain moderated. 

Excedrin has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee, and I am very sensitive to caffeine.  If I can sleep after that I must be hurting. 

Then I had to get up and go to work.  I did my God time later (before I turned on the computer).  Work was pretty unpleasant pain wise but I did get some good news. 

Someone from the union said they are going to build a bench out front.  Good.  Ron and I will have a place to sit while waiting on our rides.  We currently have to sit on the walker or curb like homeless people, because "Everyone has a car". 

Not everyone! 

At least they are fixing it.  Our boss suggested we get the union involved.   Glad I listened! 

We came home, I took a nap.  I didn't sleep very well because I had taken so much caffeine, but I did get some rest.  My head is finally improving but I don't want to eat any possible triggers, either. 

I do have tomorrow off and I plan to enjoy it. 

When I got up, I decided to try to use my "at home" A1C blood test.  I had a defective cartridge.  I stuck my finger with that sword of a lancet (huge, painful, thing) for nothing.  I plan to do the other test (using my own personal lancet from my glucose meter) in a few days

Ugh.  At any rate, I need to get some blood tests anyway: lithium level (about every year, it's been around 11 months), chemistry panel (are the liver and kidneys working OK?  What is my fasting blood sugar?), and I will add an A1C to it also.  They'll already have a needle in my arm and THEY won't have a defective cartridge (they always take way more blood than they need).  I need to figure out when to do this.  I'm inclined to just do it tomorrow. 

I can't think of a good reason to wait.  Man, that lancet left a huge hole in my finger.  I can just squeeze it tomorrow to get my blood drop for my glucose test. 

About that: 100 and under is "good".  85 or so is ideal. 

Mine has run between 116-130.  NOT good. 

I plan to ask one of my doctors for Metformin.  It is supposed to be good for helping with blood sugar control.   It won't interact with my other drugs, and really, what's another pill? 

I am pretty good at checking my sugars.  I have a nice lancet, with very skinny "pointer".  I test in the side of my finger, about 1/8 of an inch below the fingernail.  I have a meter that does not require a large blood sample, so I can eke out a small drop and test off that.  The test strips are cheap and easily obtained at my Walmart, and I recently changed the battery in the meter. 

I don't want to be one of those people who passes out in public one day with a sugar of 300.  I don't want to be like the diabetics I see on paratransit: blind, dialysis, ulcers, amputations.  No thank you. 

I have enough problems already.