You're not that bad

Part of the whole Fetal Alcohol thing - I don't always know all the social rules. 

I do know, on some level, I can only whine so much on Facebook. 

Oh, I'm so freaking tired and dizzy.  I ate not long ago, it's not that.  I think it's the excedrin interacting with the mood stabilizers.  That always makes me pretty miserable. 

I am often faced with a question: which kind of feeling awful, is less desirable?  Is it "better" to be dizzy and tired, or have a headache? 

Is it better to want to sleep all day, or be evil? 

Is it "better" to be tired and stupid?  Or is it better to be depressed? 

Is it better to be fat, with better mood control?  Or is is preferential to be thinner, but poor control? 

Yesterday I had to take a half dose of my antidepressant, in the morning.  Why?  Because I had to program a new vending machine, and pay sales tax.  Last year I mailed the sales tax with a blank, signed, check.  They had to mail it back for me to fill out the amount. 

Ron had to explain I am "special".  Brain damage, he said, and she takes some really strong medication for bipolar.  Oh, the guy replied.  I'll send it today. 

I wanted to be a little sharper for this, and I did do the form correctly.  

When we got home I took the other tablet.  I'm not stupid.  

[facepalm]  I am a proud woman.  I hate admitting weakness.  In the past, if I bared my throat, it got torn out, so to speak.  Because I'm good at "fronting" and "passing" (presenting a good image), no one believed I was "really that bad". 

That is, until extensive testing revealed my abilities range from genius to severely limited.  That was a bad day for me, but it did explain a lot. 

Ron, of course, saw what he wanted to see at the start, a victimized, helpless, frisky, intelligent woman.  I have a lot of layers, though. 

For a long while I'd get upset if I'd ask for help and someone would say "Oh, you're not that bad."  It's so frustrating to be damaged, yet no one is able to see it. 

Why would I ask for help I don't need?  And why are people so mean about it?  

The crazy, now anyone can see that if they look.  Especially if I've been off my meds for a few days. 

For instance, Ron has been doing a very bad thing lately.  He keeps telling me I don't have to take my meds, if they're so harsh.  He'll just "understand when (I'm) mean." 

Ron, I told him, remember the migraine I had a few years ago?  I was vomiting for two days straight?   Two days off my medication and I was so evil you hid in your room with the door closed. 

Two days, Ron. 

He got very quiet. 

See, I have to remember these things. 

It's ironic, but I don't worry about Ebola.  What scares me is not being able to take my meds for a couple of days, and dying insane. 

I find that horrifying.