Jesus died for everything she did to me.

I figured, if this was still bothering me, I probably needed to talk about it.

Two things happened this week: I put up a photo of my birth mother, and it's the anniversary of her death.  Prior to her death, I had no photos.

When I was a kid, my Dad didn't want any reminders.  Besides, I did get to see her now and then.  When she was able to see me (seldom).  She'd always cry when I left.

When my sister came out in 2003, she brought some photos of Mom, and her autopsy report.  Did you know, she had an extra spleen?  Her liver looked like she drank as much as she did, etc., but it was clearly heart disease that killed her.

I accepted the photos and put them in my Bible.  I'd take them out rarely, looking at them, wondering.

Now's probably about the time I talk about my "experience" 10 years ago.  I had a dream one night.  A woman came to me.  She had short, wavy, gray hair.  She radiated love.  She apologized for hurting me and swore "I didn't know".  I could literally feel her emotion, it was clear, whatever she'd done she had done out of ignorance, she loved me, and the guilt was eating her up.  So, I forgave her and the dream ended.

I thought it was an awfully weird dream.  I even checked to see if my Grandmother was still alive - she was the only family member with short, wavy, gray hair (she was my Dad's mother).  She was fine.  I chalked it up to "odd dreams".

When I saw the photo, I recognized it had been my birth mother in the dream.  So.  I know:  She loved me as much as she could.  She was ignorant about the effects of alcohol on a fetus.  She was horrified when she was shown what she'd done.

I could see how God would have to let her apologize; and I had to be given the opportunity to forgive her.  That's the thing, though.

I don't know about other people, so I'll only speak to me: I have forgiven her.  I just have to wonder at her choices.

I wonder, "How could you think it was a good idea to drink that much (up to 200 ml a day of hard alcohol) while pregnant?  Especially since I was planned?... How could you ever think having a baby was going to improve your mental health?   Did you really think that you could care for a helpless infant?"

All that goes through my head, every time I look at her photo.  I've love to say it doesn't, but it does.  I'm just baffled.  From all accounts, she was a very bright woman, but I hate to say I wish I'd seen more evidence.

So, I go through this with the photo.  When I was a child, I wanted photos.  I wanted a lot of contact.  I didn't get either.  Now I'm an adult.  No contact, but photos, and I don't know that I even want it on display.

She didn't just hurt me by drinking while pregnant, the neglect (and I do remember it), was the most pain I've ever had in my life.  All alone, hungry, thirsty, filthy diaper, crying for hours.   It took me years to catch up to the growth curve.  I had "failure to thrive" and developmental delays.

I guess I'll leave the photo up.  Mom has given her accounting to God.  Jesus died for everything she did to me.   It's not my place to judge.

I just feel a deep pain that she treated me so.  Wasn't I worth sobering up?  Couldn't she have taken her medication if it meant she'd get some visits?   Why was I always just a distant second to the alcohol?

Questions you'll hear from every child of an alcoholic.  Good thing I have my daily reader (The Courage to Change).  

God's always happy to hear my vent; and you.  Thanks for listening.