I promised I would write a blog about how my sin (living with Ron before marriage), led to a lot of pain for me.
Ron used to say it every time I said we should get married. "It's just a piece of paper, what's the big deal?" I'd tell him, I didn't have any legal rights.
He saw marriage, at the time, as a way for women to "beat men up" when they divorced. He saw a "clean" break with a live-in relationship, whoever had the lease kept the apartment, the other left. Separate finances (we still do that) meant you wouldn't have any asset raiding. No shared credit meant no shared bills. When it was over, it was over, no mess, no fuss, no paperwork.
He knew someone who went through bankruptcy due to a bad divorce. It was very emotionally draining for her, drawn-out, and complex.
He'd say, that's why he didn't want to get married. Right now. He later told me he never planned to marry.
I took it to God, and I had a dream. I felt, if Ron didn't want to marry me I shouldn't stay with him. God made it clear: stay. Soon all my fondest dreams would come true (they did, I always wanted a little house, which I got 2 years later). Even marrying Ron? ESPECIALLY that, God promised. In fact, Ron would DEMAND it. Ha. I thought. That could only be from God. I couldn't have ever imagine that.
Even though he loved me, he didn't feel I loved him. He's told me that. So, why marry?
I'd tell him, legal issues. Oh, that will be fine. You've been with me so long they will let you make decisions. My family will let you make decisions (Ha!). You can fill out any needed paperwork.
Why did I stay? Well, I figured the man who got my virginity was my husband, I while he may not have seen me as his wife (he kept referring to me as his girlfriend even after we got married), I saw him as my husband, and I would do my best. What he did was between him and God.
I had a rather complex reasoning system. Mostly fear of leaving Ron, the unknown. If I'd known what was ahead I'd have run out the door!
So, January, 2003. Ron has a business. I am his assistant manager, wearing many hats in the course of a day. Ron has a sole proprietor business, that's the way the blind man stands operate. The business can only be in the name of the blind vendor. The guy from the state knows Ron and I have been together for 11 years and we say we are married.
Ron's family also knew we considered ourselves married, even without the ceremony.
Then the accident. Ron has listed his brother as his next of kin. Brother was notified and told the rest of the "blood" family. They went to the hospital, saw him, held his hand.
Me? [snort] I guess they forgot to come get me. Someone else, hours later, asked where I was. I don't know what they said. I'm sure I don't want to know. Whatever it was, it sent the man to my house. He got me and brought me to the hospital.
Ron's family were not happy to see me. I tried to ask why they hadn't contacted me and they basically said Ron was their business now. I was told I am "Just a girlfriend". They state they will not tell the doctors Ron called me his wife, therefore they get to make all the decisions for him.
One of the worst moments of my life. The doctor comes in and tells all of us Ron needs emergency, open heart, surgery. His mother says "I don't want you to cut him open." I had to, literally, get on my knees and beg my father in law to sign the consent forms. "Please, he's come this far. Don't you want to know you did everything?" It got worse. A lot worse.
It ended up with them trying to place Ron in a nursing home, against my will, and slandering me to his doctors. They felt, if I was 'incapable" of being Ron's caregiver, he'd go somewhere where he wouldn't be their problem. If I was able to care for him, they'd have to help. They did everything they could to make me seem unfit.
I have been told they said I was "crazy" and worse. I didn't mind the gossip, if it meant I could take care of Ron.
Notice, all of this could have been prevented with a marriage. I would have been entitled to make all of Ron's medical decisions.
What did the doctors see? A devoted wife, literally living at her husband's bedside (they had a pull out lounge chair that converted to a bed), learning everything she needed to care for him. I'm told Ron's doctor actually laughed in one face, when she said something unflattering about me.
And guess what? I couldn't apply for disability benefits. I couldn't apply for the County Health card. I get anything from the business, because, you got it: "Just a girlfriend". This from the man who worked with us for 2 years. He did managed to cut me a one-week paycheck, as an "employee".
I'm unemployed. I have bills, but I can't get at Ron's assets because I'm just a girlfriend.
I had to go begging, literally, for rent money. Not a good moment either. I really got to experience God's provision in a way I hope to never experience again.
All because I was "just a girlfriend". Ron woke up. Found his family had decided he'd go live with his elderly parents, and I'd be an unpaid caregiver for the THREE of them. I think the family was trying to send me into caregiver burnout so they could put Ron in a nursing home.
Ron had a fit. Demanded to go home, home being "With Heather and my cats". Oh, yeah, the family had said I'd have to "let the cats go".
He was quite clear with his father, and then again with his brother when "bro" kidnapped me one day and said "If Ron really loved you, he'd have married you". Ron told them if they couldn't treat me with the respect due his wife, he didn't want to hear from them.
We haven't.
And, as God had promised me in my dream not a year before, Ron demanded I marry him. We did. I have the piece of paper, a new last name, and a burning desire to warn others to NEVER live together unmarried
At the very, very, least, please make sure you have a power of attorney, and a power of medical attorney so YOU can make the decisions. If they won't do that for you, walk.
No one should have to endure what I did.
I forgave them, the Bible commands it, and Ron scared the hell out of the "normals" at that stage. I feel sorry for them. Ron's a good person to have in your life.
5 comments:
You feel sorry for the normals? Ron's a good person to have in your life? You seem to have a very selective memory! Is it because of your FAS and developmental delays, perhaps? Do you truly have a problem remembering what you said 6 months ago? Because if you do, because of the brain damage perhaps, then I suggest you go back in time in your blog and read all about what Ron is really like.
I feel sorry for Ron's family. Ron was pretty belligerent and delusional at times, after his accident. I can see why they were scared, but in my opinion they shorted themselves by cutting him out of their lives completely.
The other "normals" (hospital staff, my family) were convinced I was unable to care for Ron on my own. They were convinced the "only" thing to do was some kind of "placement". Happily, they were wrong.
I am vain enough to say I take a lot of pride in the fact I was IT for Ron - nutritionist, physical therapist, cognitive therapist, job coach, you name it. And he did well.
He was in God's hands, not mine. God used me to help Ron on the road to recovery and I'm glad He did.
I have said this before - I don't believe in holding grudges or being bitter. I have enough ugliness in my life already with my illness! Yes, Ron was horrible to me, with the drinking. A Ron blackout is a horrible thing.
People have both a capacity for great good, and great evil. Perhaps my illness gives me better insight into that. There's no such thing as a single-color human. We are a complex blend of desires, emotions, and strengths.
Look at me - off my pills I am a horrible bitch. Before my diagnosis, I was so awful Ron had himself on a waiting list for assisted living in the ghetto. Once I got medicated, he forgave me for all my horrible behavior, and moved on. I've chosen to do the same.
I look at the present, not the past. Ron is a good husband. He is drinking moderately, no blackouts. He is working hard, providing for us both. He is supportive, kind, empathetic, and understanding. He loves God and wants to share Him with the unreached. He even goes with me on Bible Handouts. I was sick twice this month, and he's been great. That's my husband.
God can and will change people, if they let Him. Ron has done that.
Do I think I'm happy ending forever land now? HA! But I know whatever happens, God will give me what I need to deal with it and move on.
"I have said this before - I don't believe in holding grudges or being bitter. I have enough ugliness in my life already with my illness! Yes, Ron was horrible to me, with the drinking. A Ron blackout is a horrible thing.
People have both a capacity for great good, and great evil. Perhaps my illness gives me better insight into that. There's no such thing as a single-color human. We are a complex blend of desires, emotions, and strengths.
You are a smart woman, Heather. I enjoy your blog more all the time and enjoy how you think and converse. I love that you see the dichotomy of human beings. Keep up the good work.
Dearest friend,
Amazing that I read this right after my wedding on May 12! :)
As you know, I've been through "many dangers, toils and snares" prior to meeting my now-husband. I was in an awful relationships before him that I shudder to think about. I believe, 100%, that marriage is FAR more than a piece of paper. It's a life long commitment and a covenant. My husband and I lived together when engaged, but we were not yet converted, and we also knew we were going to get married. We also worked closely with our pastor and our Church as soon as we both came to Christ. Many people say that living together is the same as marriage- it isn't, and if it was, then why don't they just get married? There usually is a reason!
God bless you and Ron.
Just to present a different side to what Jillian said, I lived with my now husband for years before we were married. One day, we got married. Nothing changed other than legally we had more rights. Our relationship was already good and adding the piece of paper only changed things legally.If two people are committed to each other, they are committed with or without the blessing of church or government.
The legal aspect of having your significant other in dire circumstances in the hospital can be circumvented (for the most part) by having a legal, living will. It's better for everyone involved because that way you have made your own decisions ahead of time about your course of treatment and demise without having those decisions hanging over the heads of your loved ones, even if they don't mind making the decisions.
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