What do I think about marriage?

It's a good question. 

I watched my Dad stand next to my bipolar, alcoholic mother.  That only ended, he says, because it was affecting me. 

Do I feel responsible?  No.  Their marriage was doomed from the minute my older brother died.  Neither of them really recovered. 

My Dad remarried, and steadfastly stood by his wife in spite of anything I told him.  If nothing else, I have to admire his loyalty (now that I'm out from under). 

Dad's been very loyal to his wives. 

Even Ron says I am loyal. 

From Google: Loy-al

adjective

adjective: loyal

giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.

 

I guess I'm that.  I wouldn't respect myself otherwise.  

 

Even though Ron has been pretty awful to me, I couldn't bring myself to walk away after the accident, especially when I saw how his family planned to dump him in the system and walk away.  I doubt he would have lived a year.  

 

I couldn't have lived with myself if I walked away.  Sometimes, when things are very bad, I wish I had a time machine, so I could tell myself what to expect.  

 

It's ironic, because Ron was trying to get me to tell him about "bad times" growing up, and then "selling" me on how much better he was than them.  Kind of like being told being frozen is better than being burned, but I didn't tell him that.  

 

I recognized it for what it was, manipulation, and I didn't like it.  [shrug]  I didn't tell him, I just let him think it worked.  

 

"Oh, you are an alcoholic, verbally abusive, blind man in a wheelchair, but at least you don't ____, _____, or ____".  Sorry Bub.  Won't work.  I can't believe he thought I'd buy that. 

 

If anything, in a lot of ways he is worse than they were.  But, like a lot of abused kids I went straight from the frying pan into the fire.   

I think, for the future, because he already KNOWS all my war stories, I will just tell him "I don't want to talk about it.  It was bad enough at the time and it's worse every time you bring it up."  How can he insist?  

Then he went in his room and played his "Redneck music".  I don't object to country music, per se - but all Ron's country music songs are about binge drinking, blackouts, oh, we're having so much fun waking up naked in a hotel room with no memory of last night kind of songs.  Glorifying alcohol abuse.  The bass was pretty bad.  I asked him to turn it down and he did.  Made a big point out of "accomodating" me "even though it was fine".  

 

Ron's drinking has caused me tremendous pain.  On one occasion (not counting the verbal and physical abuse, sleep deprivation, etc.) he had an affair while very drunk.  On other occasions, he bragged about having affairs with other women and told me nauseating details I still can't get out of my head.  

 

Really, if you want to be intimate with me, ever, please don't brag on the adulterous acts.  Better yet, don't commit them!  

Ron is a master of the push-pull emotional abuse.  He attacks me verbally, tearing me down for hours, then he wants to have all this warm sharing and intimacy.  He doesn't realize you can't have both.  I also see how he was trying to make me feel "obligated" to stay with him by reminding him of my prior situation.  

I don't feel obligated at all.  If "we" got points for putting up with crap, "rescuing" people, etc... my side of the scale would far outweigh his.  Pretty much my entire life is making him happy, at work and home.  [shrug] 

 

I don't want to play those games.  I don't even want to go to the place where I start doing that in my head.  

It's like I told my aunt today: back in the beginning, I was pretty volatile, PTSD, nightmares, depression, manias, etc. - clearly "damaged goods" and "far worse" than Ron.  

Then the accident, but I was still pretty damaged, about as bad as Ron.  

Then the diagnosis, and suddenly I'm a lot better, and he's still an addicted, abusive, guy in a wheelchair.  I know he felt very threatened, because his drinking escalated, along with the verbal abuse.  The better I got, the worse he got, including accusing me of affairs, which I find vastly amusing.  

 

Why is that so funny?  Because I've been cheated on.  I wouldn't do that to anyone. 

 

Because, if I have sex with a man, it's because we're married and he loves Jesus even more than he loves me.  Because he is committed to pleasing God before me, of himself.  That, I find sexy.  [Or I got raped, which of course is like, the worst thing ever.] 

 

That man would not open the door with a married woman, and I am very careful myself.  The nicer the guy, the more walls I build, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life in regret.  

 

However, if Ron drinks himself to death and God has me single, I'm fine with that too.  It's certainly a lot easier.  

 

But, I made a commitment.  I may have been unmedicated bug-nuts crazy when I made that commitment - under the influence of a terrible illness, but I keep my commitments.  

 

I just ask God for a strong back.  

 

I know God will rebuke Ron in an appropriate manner, at some point.