The price I pay

My Dad only has one complaint about his heart difficulties - fatigue.  As he related his issues, I couldn't help but compare. 

"I go to bed every night at 8, now".  Yup
"Tired all the time" - Yup. 

I realized then, Dad probably doesn't understand the depths of the fatigue I experience, and since I didn't want to play "I am sicker" I didn't say anything. 

His is related to a physical problem.  Mine is related to medication, primarily. 

I realized you may not understand, either, and I think it's important: 

I wake up tired.  I know most do.  I continue to operate from a place of deep fatigue.  I can work, that's not the problem, I'm just exhausted.  When I'm depressed as well everything is "mentally" hard in addition to the fatigue. 

Even caffeine can only mask the symptoms for a while.  I can't consume too much (Doc suggests less than 400 mg), or I will have panic attacks.   I don't consume any caffeine after 12, or within 8 hours of bedtime. 

On a "good" day I go home around 12 to 1 (I get up at 4 AM), and take a nap for a couple hours.  I wake up from the nap, tired.  I continue to force myself to operate, still exhausted. 

I take supplements and try to eat right.  I am currently focusing on my protein intake.  I have had blood tests, they were fine.  As a doctor told me "If you ran a half marathon you don't have any heart problems". 

I just walk around exhausted.  My illness is "very stable" - but I'm exhausted.  That's just the price I pay for sanity.  One of them.