Want to spend time with you

Generally, I would say I don't see my husband as "verbally abusive". 

However, after hours, daily, of listening to him complain about God, endless pity parties, etc., I would say he's "difficult" but not unlovable. 

Today, after a vicious tirade and his usual attitude "It is war, you attacked me by moving the knife I wanted to open my liquor (I hope that does not end up in the emergency department).  Since you have assaulted me by moving the knife, I will attack you with verbal abuse." 

What? 

God help us all, because I gave him another knife instead (they are both steak knife sized).  He kept going on about me "attacking" him - I said "I just cut a piece of bread for breakfast!", and admittedly, forgot to move it back.  

The only thing that works is tuning him out, but I did say "If you're always yelling in my direction and raving about God, do you think I'm going to want to spend time with you?" 

I think it's a very good question, and one I plan to ask again when he isn't going off.  Of course he will reply "Just tell me and I'll stop!  Stop [building resentments]." 

So I tell him, and he says it's "Not that bad" and "You can't control how I feel."  Then he attacks me verbally because I tried to "control" him. 

Does he want me to put up walls?  Do you know how hard it is not to hate him, sometimes?   I want to say, I am the only person who has ever made a single sacrifice for you - ever - and all you do is crap all over me, run me down, dump on me, attack my faith, treat me like crap, keep me up at night - and you think you're a good husband? 

I never play the "After all I've done for you" card - ever.  If he won't remember God will remind him.

Now Ron's blaming me for the verbal abuse because I "moved the knife".  The other day, while talking to someone else - Ron likes to put out this image of "We're so happily married" to everyone, how he's such a "good forgiver" etc... I said "You need to ask yourself, will this matter in a year?"

I wish Ron could receive that teaching, embrace it, and use it in his walk with me.  I do my best to use it myself. 

I moved a knife - so what?   I also made you a wonderful loaf of bread, helped you get Chinese food, helped you run your business, take care of you, and keep your home...

I think it goes to deeper alcohol issues - as he was, for however short a time, impeded from taking out the regulator on the bottle.  "It flows so much faster" he said, "When you cut it out".

I bet.