A little bit manic

If the post frequency and tone didn't cue you in, I'm running manic.  Because I have a horrible mixed illness I am still depressed, yet energetic at the same time.  [sigh] 

So, whenever I get a little bit manic, I try to invest it into housekeeping, baking, work, etc.  Mainly cleaning and organizational tasks - my weakness. 

I plan to do some baking tomorrow, I need to at least bake a soda bread for the other vendors.  Funny, when I type it I always type "soad".  I was teasing myself today at the store, "Where's the soad?" 

I'd love to go to church tomorrow, but Ron says he isn't going.  Well, I could take the bus, but it's over 2 hours each way, 136 bus stops. 

Did I mention the forecast?  Wind, cold front, 20 mph winds.  It's easy to see why Ron wants to stay home. 

Anyway, yesterday we did truck day.  Pretty standard except I had to load the truck myself.  I had a protein bar when we got to work.  We stocked for hours.  I bought our inventory off the other vendor (coffee vending machine supplies).  When it's cold everyone wants coffee.  I made sure it was well stocked and behaving. 

For reasons I won't name, I didn't have any diet soda yesterday.  I just had some coffee in the morning, and I was fine.  I was a little thirsty and I had a weird taste in my mouth, but that's it.  I could do that again. 

Coffee is a lot cheaper than diet soda, easier to carry home, and very easy to prepare.  I can also drink it with lots of milk and benefit my health.  At it's best, I think diet soda would be a "neutral" if not "minus" on the health scale.  They say coffee consumption helps prevent diabetes, or manage it, so another good reason. 

It can't hurt.  I did notice my blood sugar was more stable.  I wasn't getting cravings as I stocked. 

Bonus. 

So, work went pretty well.  It was cold but we didn't wait long to come home.  We did and I took a nap.  I've decided nap or no nap. I just have a harder time falling asleep when I'm manic.  Last night, though, I slept very well, no doubt due to all the heavy manual labor. 

Let me tell you, I was glad for the cold temperatures (in the 30's), as I loaded and unloaded the truck, wearing my jeans, t-shirt, and back brace!  It is horrific to unload a truck in feels like 110.   For once, I didn't have a hot flash. 

[I complain a lot about hot flashes but they are so much better than the incapacitating, suicidal, depressions.]

This morning, I overslept somehow, but I got my God Time later.  I still, overall, have the whole depression "Can I go to bed yet" feeling.  At the same time, I'm full of ideas on fun things to do. 

This is why I take my Depakote.  This isn't bad - but my previous mixed depressions were so bad I could easily see why "everyone" commits suicide (people suffering from a mixed depression are at a far higher risk of suicide). 

This morning, I went to Walmart, early.  Ron was livid.  He had planned for me to have an hour, but "paratransit messed it up" and "only" gave me 40 minutes.  I still managed to get everything done. 

I found some Hot hands value packs.  I adore Hot Hands.  It's a pouch that warms up after you remove it from it's mylar wrapper.  Walmart ran out of them last year, it was awful.  I've been stocking up because I believe we are in for a cold winter. 

Anyway, today I found some value packs - huge multi packs of hand, body, or toe warmers.  I got one of each. 

I then headed off to buy my other items, flour, baking soad ( :p ), etc.  I can't find my receipt or I'd give you a better idea.  The cashier was really nice and I liked her a lot. 

Our driver arrived right as I finished putting my groceries into my tote bags.  Great timing, another nice lady. 

I got home and put everything away.  I'm glad I have a bright red, insulated tote.  It helps remind me to put the "needs refrigeration" away before they go bad. 

It's bothering me I can't find the receipt.  I don't think the cashier rung me up wrong, I just wonder where the money went. 

[sigh]  Normally I double check but I'm manic. 

Anyway, I organized for a bit and then took a nap.  I woke up from a post-traumatic nightmare that definitely had me on my feet in a hurry. 

Ugh.  Probably the other night triggered the nightmare. 

So, I did my God Time.  Then I worked on cleaning up the computer room, and generated a lot of trash. 

These days, when I'm cleaning, I occasionally throw away "perfectly good" stuff because, to be honest, I don't have the time, space, or energy to store it and then donate it.  I know at least one garbage-picker who roams our subdivision.  "Good" items don't die. 

It's better to have a clean house than to donate every single speck. 

Besides, I donate cash. 

So, I got it cleaned up.  If I have the motivation, I might just clean out the computer room closet, too.  I am, however, out of garbage can. 

I can put out a couple of "sacks" in addition to the cans, per my contract, but I don't know.  It depends on my energy level. 

I also think it might be important to spend a little mania on something "fun". 

One of Ron's old lovers found us on Facebook.  I found it really insulting, she kept saying she and Ron were "only friends".  She asked for his phone number. 

Per Ron, not only did they break the bed, but she brought her baby with her to one "appointment", "interacting" with the baby lying in the next bed.  I didn't confront her. 

She probably had no idea that Ron told me extensive details of nearly all his former lovers.  I just said "Give me your number and I'll pass it on". 

I wasn't worried about Ron cheating.  For one, he needs me far too much to do that.  He knows that's one of the few things that would send me packing.  Secondly, I have the "If you're going to cheat get it over with so I can move on with my life" attitude. 

Ron, like most men I imagine, doesn't want a jealous, clingy, woman.  Either I can trust you or I can't, and I'd rather find out now. 

So they talked.  As it turns out she became a therapist and was "worried" about me.  She wanted to know ALL the details of my illness, from Ron. 

Why not ask me herself?  Have I ever NOT shared even embarrassing details? 

She kept telling Ron I "Had to have ongoing therapy in order to manage the illness."  At the time, I didn't agree. 

However, times like my above question - should I take some time to just enjoy the mania instead of cramming housework?  It might be nice to have some objective feedback. 

I don't need anyone to tell me when Ron's being awful - I can see that for myself and I have a pretty good support network (online if nothing else).  But I do have the occasional question.  I know I am an enabling co dependent. 

God knows I am very faithful about medication. 

On the way home from Walmart, the driver asked me why I'd purchased such a "large" frozen pizza.  "There's only 2 of you!" she wailed. 

One, I might have been having a party.  But I told her the truth. 

"I have a lot of trouble with terrible depressions" - not everyone needs to know I am bipolar.  "So, it's better if I cook one thing and eat it for a couple days."  She was still perturbed. 

But hey, it's my dinner.