I made a mistake filling up my medication days of the week organizer. Bad days. I fixed it now, and figured out how to fix it in the future, examine each tablet in my hand before just gulping.
"Where is my lithium? Where is my antidepressant?" It's compounded by the fact I take vitamins; it's a big handful! Just took it, 3 vitamins, 4 herbal supplements, and the two prescriptions. Plus I have to take it with food.
Oh, please, NEVER take lithium on an empty stomach. I got the worst pains - like I was being eviscerated. Horrible.
Anyway, if I thought I was depressed LAST week - [scoff] - well, it's a lot worse. I just feel completely lost and hopeless.
A large part of that is the medication, and the rest is due to Accident Day. Link Yup, it's tomorrow.
I never really felt we got justice. Alarmingly, the guy who ran over Ron is back on his Powered Industrial Truck. He truly frightens me when he's on that thing - he's not safe. He is very reckless, doesn't look where he's going, makes sudden sharp turns, and almost took out the other vendor and I one day on the dock.
And that, my friends, is the time he almost ran over me WITH WITNESSES. Plenty other times, too. Is he aiming for 2-for-2?
It's ironic, because the Tow Motor drivers are some of my favorite employees. He just scares me.
I also get deeply resentful when we do see him, and he does the phony "Howya doing" thing (I won't leave you alone until you tell me you are fine). I just wish he would pretend we didn't exist. Ignore us.
Don't come up, introduce yourself, and ask Ron how he's doing. Oh, that bugs me. I always want to tell him the truth.
Ron says, quite correctly, that it's his question to answer, not mine. I make myself busy, elsewhere.
He knows better than to play phony with me. I have a very expressive face.
I had so, so, hoped he would take early retirement when it was offered. But, I guess he felt he couldn't "afford" it.
What about us? Huh? It is horrible to see him walking around, acting happy, and then I go home with my husband, the verbally abusive, alcoholic.
I don't blame the guy for the accident. Nothing happens out of God's will. I blame him for staying around work after the accident. It would have been a lot more considerate if he'd gotten another job, one where I wouldn't have to see him constantly, constantly reminded of some of the worst times of my life.
I want him to GO AWAY.
Well, I didn't say this would be a pretty post, did I?
Now, I feel compelled to add: I do pray for him every day (and the police officer). Most days, I mean what I am praying for him. I hope he does get saved. He may be a reckless butthead, but he doesn't deserve hell.
I actually have a harder time with the police officer. I feel like he had a responsibility to accurately determine the accident; but instead he robbed Ron and falisfied the report. If Ron had crossed the street from south to north, he would have been hit on his LEFT side. When I mentioned it, officer jerko went on the attack and told me the accident was my fault because Ron walked to work by himself.
Ron, again, accurately stated it:
If you'd been with me: we both would have died.
The guy ran a red light! Who can predict that?
2 comments:
Heather,
the accident did not make Ron a alcoholic. He chose to drink rather then lean on God and rely on his faith.
The accident did not make Ron verbally abusive. He also chooses to treat you this way. Does he treat strangers and friends the same? If not then it is something he can control but chooses not to with you.
I bet if you look back at your life with him before the accident you will see that he treated you similar even then in his demands and attitude. Not to say his behavior has not gotten progressively worse since the accident.
I am sorry you are going through this but I do not want you to make excuses for Ron. He claims to have something a lot of people don't have and that is faith in God. At least that is what he says but in his heart I do not think he believes this because he chooses to lean on drinking and raging and not God.
I am just glad that you are able to lean on God and that he gives you so much strength. You are an example to Ron whether he sees or not.
You're right. Ron binge-drank rarely and would be pretty awful, before the accident, but it was very seldom.
It's very easy to point at January 7, 2003 and say IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
I do have to report he's doing a lot better. He could tell I was having a hard time (I just said I was battling depression) and he went out of his way to help me, said very nice things, "I don't tell you I love you, often enough" etc. Nice to hear.
He has also greatly moderated his drinking. He hasn't had a blackout since the police incident in November. He said he would only drink wine, and has done so.
When he says he will never drink any more strong liquor, part of me wants to get very hateful, but I try to make an affirming comment. I pray he can moderate it, if he can't stop. I know enough from Al-anon to realize my happiness shouldn't depend on his drinking; or not.
I hope my life and faith will be a good example to people; one reason I have all my raw pain out here for the world to read.
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