Why did you leave?

You know, I'm not good with healthy boundaries in a relationship.  As I type "And I was willing to go back last night, as long as Ron could commit to:  1.  No verbal abuse and 2.  Letting me sleep." you are probably screaming in frustration and wanting to slap me. 

Well, he didn't want me home. 

Yeah, some demons in Ron's head telling him I'm so much better without him, he has to throw his life away to "get rid of me".  He is furious I voicemailed his abusive rantings to my entire family. 

It has always been my opinion, that I shouldn't say anything I wouldn't want everyone to hear.  IE - gossip.  IE - abusive comments.  "You are a piece of waste and I wish you would die" - I wouldn't say that in front of anyone - but if I did I would expect it would get around, you know? 

I wouldn't think my "victim" would just swallow it and say "Sir, yessir".  Which, unfortunately, I did for a very long time.  Ron used to harangue me for hours, calling me horrible names, and I would just sob and beg for forgiveness.  It makes me ill to think about it now.  He would throw me out after one of these sessions, menacing me physically, and I would call him begging him to let me come home. 

Unfortunately, that did set a precedent for him.  While he hasn't done that since the 90's, I noticed all abuse stopped right quick when the apartment was in my name, and I was paying the bills. 

He really thinks it is OK, when he feels "provoked", to just wage war on me.  I mean, complete and utter war.  I was in the SHOWER, that night, and he was screaming at me "That's right, wash up, you filthy b!itch"  I wasn't even talking to him - it was clear he wasn't going to hear it and responding would just "feed" him. 

He has left a series of extremely abusive messages for me (I didn't have to listen to know), my aunt, and my uncle.  He accused them of "meddling" and worse.  They're not exactly reciting it, but that's what I've gathered. 

I ignored the voicemails, I told him if he had something to say he would have to say it directly.  He likes to leave hateful, hit-and-run, voicemails. 

He called me twice, once to tell me he was resigning the program (leaving both of us unemployed - he has done this on many occasions - left a dramatic message for the boss about wanting to resign, then changing his mind.  It's gotten to the point where the boss doesn't even call him back).  Still, threatening my security like that is a very cheap, nasty, shot. 

The second time he asked me what he did.  I said, you didn't remember?  He said no.  I said, well, you called the police, they sent the mental health crisis team, and they told you to stop drinking.  He got very angry and said it didn't happen this way, *I* had commited the egregious offense of moving (my) keys.  I told him, the keys I moved were MY keys.  You have your own keys to everything, including the backdoor, and if you were too drunk to find them that's your problem, not mine.  I didn't want you in and out the back door all night anyway, leaving the blinds open and waking me up. 

He then asked me why I left.  I was so shocked, and so furious, I hung up. 

He doesn't understand.  And you know, that scares me, more than anything.  Ron really doesn't understand, appropriate behavior on a relationship.  He doesn't understand it's WRONG to verbally abuse your wife.  It isn't fair to threaten her with violence, no matter what the "provocation", it's torture to keep her up all night screaming profanities, it's wrong to call the police because you are drunk and angry.  It's wrong to scream at the police, cursing them and calling them names.  He thinks that is all fine, and I should have just gone to bed.  Because, after all, it was my fault. 

I called him, it went to voicemail (he was probably telling himself I was going to be SO MAD and scream at him - he really wants me to sink to his level of mindless rage and screaming, so he can judge me) and very calmly said: I am answering your question because I truly believe you don't understand why I left.  If, the fact that you were verbally abusing me, screaming constantly, refusing to let me sleep, calling me horrible names, threatening to break things (after I left, he trashed my bedroom twice), threatening VIOLENCE, isn't reason enough:  the police told me to leave (it was strongly implied).  I called my aunt and uncle, and let them listen to you screaming.  They told me to leave, AND came and got me.  I called my sister and let her listen to you screaming.  She told me to leave.  If that wasn't enough, I also called Mom and Dad - they got to hear you screaming at me and THEY told me to leave.  So, when everyone I consult is telling me to leave, I'm going to leave!  So, hopefully you understand now. 

He apparently talked to my uncle a few times yesterday, and my uncle said "He got a little clearer as the day went on and he sobered up."  He said he HAD to see my uncle in person, and my uncle brought me along, hoping, I think, we could make up.  Ron had said he didn't want me to "touch" him - I think trying to play the victim role.  He does look pretty tragic - and there's that horrible, scary, crazy woman who hates him (rolleyes).  From an emotional abuse standpoint, he hit the gold mine when I got diagnosed bipolar - he can tell everyone I'm crazy and abusive. 

Huh.  The only one I'm abusing is ME! 

Anyway, I went with my uncle.  I needed some more clothes, and I was worried about my potatoes.  Yes.  My seed potatoes, sprouting in the bedroom.  I didn't want Ron to kill them.  I told my uncle: either he is going to make a dramatic display of pouring out the wine (see late August, this year), or point out an "egregious housekeeping sin" that warranted all the physical abuse. 

Sure enough, Ron proudly pointed out my "messy" (trashed) bedroom.  My uncle realized Ron had trashed it after we left, because he had ripped a power strip out of the wall, etc.  He had thrown a clean basket of laundry all over the floor and taken things off a table and thrown them on a floor, he had even thrown a space heater, and my scale was in the bathtub.  Or his scale, they look alike (his talks).  Anyway, my uncle said that backfired, and he got a really good glimpse of Ron's darkside. 

I did retort that the room looked bad, because Ron had chosen to trash it.  Ron got all smirky and I was sorry I had said anything.  He wanted to bait me.  Ugh. 

Then he solemnly staggered up to the sink and pointed out a few dirty dishes.  "No one can live like this" Ron said somberly.  "No one, I have to get rid of her". 

Ron's great idea is to resign the business, default on the mortgage, go into foreclosure (mortgage is all Ron), and go into some kind of subsidized independent living arrangement.  He went outside and talked to my uncle for a while, while I tenderly gathered my potatoes (OK).  I figured they probably wouldn't make it another night, at the rate Ron was going. 

As we left, my uncle stated that Ron was drunk, again.  I told him Ron's "Never before noon" rule about drinking; however Ron fails to understand that drinking until 6 AM, passing out until noon, and then drinking again is probably "a problem". 

Sad, pointless, and stupid.  I was sorry I'd gone - except for the potatoes.  I did grab my emergency fund, some bedding, etc.  I saw the cat, gave him a hug, and a treat - I brought a can of his favorite treat, and fed it,  while Ron was ranting at my uncle.  I'm so glad I don't have a human child. 

So, I'm sleeping on the floor, in my aunt's house.  They are very nice about it.  I'm sharing the house with my aunt, uncle, cousin, and my cousin's daughter.  A little crowded, but like I told my uncle last night - as he apologized for my sleeping arrangement: No one's going to come in here and scream at me all night, and throw my stuff around. 

He laughed and said he could promise that, for sure.