Assistant Manager

That was interesting.  I just deleted several unintelligible spam - advertising.   To state the obvious, I have a spam filter.  All comments go to moderation.  I'll publish anything that isn't abusive, spam, or extremely personal.  But I make the choice to publish. 

Anyway, didn't sleep well last night.  Too much caffeine, too late.  Not only that, the dog behind us kept barking!   I don't know what had the dog so excited. 

Sometimes, at night, awakened by someone's dog, I have dark thoughts.  Then I remind myself God created them, ask Him to help, and try to go back to sleep. 

It didn't help that I was ABANDONED by my cat - it was a nice night and he made the most of it.  He came home, exhausted, as I left for work.  [sniff]  I think I may need counseling. 

Went to work.  We had in interesting driver, a white guy with a shaved head.  It wasn't a straight trip (usually isn't - that's why paratransit is a shared ride service).  We went to some really depressing townhomes not far from work. 

After the passenger disembarked, the driver said "This is a bad area" and got out of there.  It seemed bad - just a very negative, dark, energy.   Even Acres Homes has a better energy than that. 

We finally got to work.  I started work, and did it all.  I got deliveries.  I unloaded a partial pallet of soda, onto a hand cart, took it to my stockroom, and stacked it.  I offloaded another handcart full of bottled iced tea, into the stockroom.  I helped the other vendor with some stuff, helped Ron "fix" the food machine (it involved Ron beating on the machine while we both uttered profanities in two languages), sold some change to the credit union, and, not surprisingly, stocked. 

My job title is "Assistant Manager" but could easily be "stocker".  I like Assistant Manager better.   Ron gave me the title. 

We did have a small conflict at work.  Ron got exasperated because I asked a question he considered "stupid".  He kept telling me I was "better" than that and "using my disability as an excuse" (to what?).  Told me I knew the answer already and wasn't "trying". 

I really hate that about FAS - people don't understand.  I can be above and below average at the same time.  My abilities can change from one minute, to another.  Yes, sometimes I AM that bad.  Othertimes I do things even a genius level couldn't manage.  It's fluid. 

So, my whole life I've had a lot of very exasperated people when I ask for clarification, or tell them I didn't understand.  I went off and prayed about it for a while, and got an idea. 

"Ron," I asked him "What color is the wall?"
"I don't know"
"Yes you do, you're not TRYING." 
"Heather, I can't tell you!  I'M BLIND!"
"No you're not.  You just don't want to try.  You could tell me if you want to, you're just using 'your disability' as an excuse".  Then I walked off.  I kept it very conversational. 

I know he understood.  He didn't like it, but he understood.  I'll keep doing that as needed. 

He can get very ugly at times, if I tell him, sometimes I am "that bad" (his words).  In fact, I haven't shared this, but I grilled him before we got married.  "Are you sure you can handle my disability?  Are you sure?  You say sometimes it's very hard for you to understand.  You understand I have brain damage?  Sometimes I won't be able to do the 'normal' things?   Are you sure you are up for this?"  He swore again and again he could.  So I married him. 

Later, when he was angry at me, he told me "I only married you to stay out of a nursing home".  I told him, that wouldn't have happened, and I made sure to tell him that before the wedding.   I told him I'd help him find a nice apartment and a caregiver, and we could split.  No, he loved me, he wanted to spend his life with me... until he got mad. 

Was he telling the truth?  I don't know.  That's between him and God.  [shrug]  I made a committment and I'll keep it.  However, at the time Ron was well aware I am not a good housekeeper.  The way he carries on sometimes I think he would have preferred the apartment with a caregiver! 

Boy, that was ugly.  Back to my day. 

I let the whole conflict "Go".  I know one day God will show Ron how much his words and attitudes about my disability, have hurt me.  Why would I exaggerate my disability?  Make myself as "dumber" than I was?  What is the point?  I find his viewpoint  baffling.  I hate admitting I don't understand, need clarification, or need help. 

Times like that, I think God uses Ron to keep my eyes on God, instead.  Unlike Ron, God has never failed me, let me down, said hateful things, or judged me. 

I keep getting gloomy here, really not my intent. 

I could really tell the herbal stuff I take is helping, I only had one hot flash at work.  Normally I was having several a day. 

People (my aunt in particular) talk a lot about how hard menopause is, for moods.  I have to laugh and say, how would I know?  I'm not stable to begin with! 

Oh, speaking of stable, something funny.  You know I take lithium.  Lithium is really only used for bipolar disorder.  My account was hacked the last time I used the "big" lab.  I am looking at a "little" lab.  I sent them an email, because they didn't have any prices for lithium level testing.  I have yet to hear back!  [laugh]  Are they scared to stick a needle in a "crazy" woman?  [snerk] 

Oh, sometimes I could be so evil.  "You might want to be careful, letting your kids in my yard.  I have mental illness, and the hallucinations have been really bad lately."   EVIL!   Oh, I need to go repent of that, after I imagine the reaction for another minute or so. 

Eek.  I wouldn't want them moving.  OK, I'll be good. 

So, I did everything.. and there was a lot.  Finally time to go.  My favorite: the driver went in the wrong parking lot and drove around for a while, before figuring out the lady waving at him might be associated with his client.  And Ron wonders why I go out early? 

I am being ugly today.  I don't feel ugly, either. 

Got home.  Took a nap, thank God, to the faint background tone of yet more barking.  I hate it when it is quiet, like, now, and then when I want to sleep it's barktime.  But I'm going to think about happy things. 

It was really warm, humid, and pretty overcast.  We're supposed to get rain tomorrow.  When, I'm not sure.  I'll have to check.  I would like to do a day out if my feet are up for it. 

Bubba just came running in through his cat door.  I've told Ron, sometimes I wish I could put a Bubba-cam on the cat, and actually see what he does all day.  I bet I'd get an eyeful. 

Woke up, oh, I was tired, and we went to the bank.  Did our banking.  Our ride was going to be very late, so I got some fast food for us, and we ate it, outside, waiting on our ride.  I took my (TAKE WITH FOOD) lithium. 

It finally came, we got home.  I did my  God Time, and then worked in the garden.  If I buy a plant, I like to get it set up as soon as possible.  I had already planted the one Collard plant, I wanted to get the other.  So, I put it in a large pot.  I added some good organic fertilizer and it looks good.  I made sure to water the other transplant, and my other little guys.  Everyone looks wonderful. 

I got filthy (I usually do), but had a good time figuring out where I'd situate various things.  I'm having a fireant problem in garden bed one.  The first treatment didn't kill them all.  A couple of them got loose and bit me.  Little expletives.  I did some housekeeping type stuff, and checked on my seedlings. 

I found my "Wild Garden Kale" seed packet, so I started a couple.  I have a pretty limited garden - about 100 or so feet of sunny garden, a fig tree in a raised bed I constructed myself, and another 40 square feet in partial shade.  Plus various pots I can put in "forbidden" garden areas - on top of the easments for underground utilities (CALL BEFORE YOU DIG).   The gas line goes smack down the middle of my backyard, and it's not deep.  I can put potted plants, in big pots, on top of the ground and grab that good sun, without having a disaster.  I've done that for years. 

I also plan to start some "Purple Peacock" broccoli from the same source.  The Calabrese broccoli did so well I'm definitely growing it again.  I planted it a few years ago, completely ignored it, and it kept producing into the summer (something broccoli does not do in my climate). 

About the only urgent need is, ideally, a new watering can.  My current one is workable but not great.  The "good" hose had a spectacular blowout - I don't think it ever forgave me for the freeze last year.   Current hose is about 20 feet, and my garden STARTS 20 feet from the house.  Hence, the watering can. 

Eventually, I will need to put down some more weed blocker pathway fabric.  It has worked very well, but needs renewal every year or so.  That's not urgent.  I'll get the stuff, maybe after I get paid, and then lay it when I get manic again. 

You can tell I had fun. 

Ron was pretty horrified the other morning.  He came into the bathroom during my shower and we chatted.  I like it when he does that.  At a couple of points in the shower, I turned off the water, started bailing saved water into my bucket, and then resumed the shower.  Wet down, save the water.  Rinse off, save the water... no. 

Ron said he was putting his foot down, I didn't "have" to do that, and I "always kept the water bill low".  So, I take my shower, turn it off periodically, don't save that water... but, when I turn on the water and I'm waiting for it to heat, I am running that water into a bucket.  A gallon or two every day will add up. 

I have a bad feeling this drought may last, so I'm being stingy with my water use.  Besides, we're still making payments on that water line break back in August.