You've suffered more...

I got a good laugh over my statistics just now.  A lot of the search results were some parameter of "Heather knits junk". 

What do you think?  I should rename the blog: HEATHER'S JUNK!  [snort]  Pretty appropriate! 

Last night I had some nightmares.  I get resentful about "having" to go to meetings.  I get angry that my husband is an alcoholic and I "have" to go on my day off, structure my whole day around "my" meeting, which should be HIS meeting.  It isn't fair. 

God is patient with me.  Last night He told me during my God time that He just wants me to love everyone, and myself.  That's my "job" right now.  He will give me what I need to handle the alcoholism; and if it wasn't this it could be a lot worse. 

I'm also somewhat freaked out, wondering just what my uterus will produce this month.  The 4-ounce blood clot and friends, last month,  were deeply disturbing.  I've always trusted my body; not now. 

Anyway, I decided I'd skip the meeting (last night I made the decision), and last night I had nightmares about Ron completely OFF THE CHAIN and trying to get him into AA.  By the way, the literature says I shouldn't even mention AA.  When Ron is desperate, wondering what can he do to stop, THEN I mention "I think I know where they have a meeting".  Hell, if he'd go I'd push him all the way in his wheelchair.   

Needless to say, THAT changed my mind. 

Just now Ron wanted to make a video blog.  I helped him record it, and as I assisted him into the chair the overwhelming stench of alcohol took me back to some very unhappy childhood places.  I had a double punch of anger and despair. 

It's as bad, watching him with this illness, as it was with him in ICU, wondering if he would EVER wake up.   God just sent a frisky blue jay and cardinal to entertain me.  Here come the sparrows.  I put some seed outside my window today.  They're having a great time. 

It's exactly the same feeling.  [sigh]  Ron told me, when he came out of the coma: "You've suffered more than I have".   But Ron has his own, painful demons.  I found it VERY significant, recently, when I was telling him about a battle with depression.  He kept insisting I have a drink.  I told him it would only make things worse.  He was completely shocked and baffled. 

I have my own theory on that.  So, Ron recorded his video.  He talked about some drug use back in the day, and I said, "I can't let my family see this.  They will worry."   He was not happy with the audio quality, either.  So I deleted it. 

Then he asked me to look up a woman on Facebook.  He cheated on me, with her.  I told him no.  He whined.  He just wanted to know how she was doing.  I told him, she was an alcoholic at 20.  I am sure she is not doing well.  He finally agreed it "might" be a bad idea, and went on back to his man-cave. 

I get angry.  I get sad.  It tears my heart out to see him addicted.  I want to kick his butt.  I want to crack his denial and drag him out into the light of truth.  But that's not my job, it's God's.