I'd be on the floor!

"They" keep threatening us with snow.  Where is it?  If I can make a request, I would like six inches please, with a couple more weeks of really cold weather.  Every now and then my "Northern" pops up. 

I can hear a feisty flock of sparrows outside the window.  Ron's "watching" TV in the back of the house, and I'm wondering about dinner.  I got a Bad Thing and ate it.  I need to get some nutrition.  Yay.  I just remembered I got cottage cheese. 

Today was pretty quiet.  I got up, did my God Time, sorted out what I was taking today, put some hot water out for the birds to enjoy (it's still liquid).  It was popular.  I did a little housecleaning. 

I need to do some more; maybe it will help with the depression.  I get so tired of the moods. 

We went to Walmart and that was it.  I picked up some seed packets, a new desk lamp, groceries, and soda.  I didn't have time to do the deposit.  The store was almost empty; hardly any cars in the parking lot. 

They were so clever!  They had a huge display of winter coats and blankets by the front.  Just for fun, I looked at the women's "warmwear" (thermals and such).  If I was 2XL, I would have been set.  Happily, I am a large (12-14). 

Ron got a hug from a woman who was very thin recently, about 100 pounds and 5'2.  For the last month, he talked about how "Good" she looked and how he wished I could look like her.  She had no breasts.  No hips.  She looked like she was a 10 year old boy.  I told him, that's not healthy, and I'm not doing that.  I am in no place (between you, me, and the blog) what with his alcoholism and my bipolar, to even THINK about attempting a serious weight loss routine.  I am maintaining at a size 14.  I'm doing GREAT to only eat ONE bad thing today! 

It would be easy to get angry at him.  I don't tell him, I wish he were one of those big beefy guys out of the romance novels, who can carry me up the stairs.  I never once complain about having to do all the heavy lifting at work.  I never once complain about having to read him things, or push him in the wheelchair.  What about the fact that his hearing's so bad, I can't even talk to him from one room to another?  I have to stop whatever I am doing, walk up within about 10 feet, and face him (if I can see his ears, he can hear me), to tell him something simple.  It gets OLD. 

But I don't compare him to other men.  The next time he makes a comment, I will say "Would you like me to compare you to other men?  How would you feel?"  It also evokes a really STUPID reflex to say, so... You don't like my weight?  Wait 'till you see this! 

Like I said, stupid.  He is probably doing this to make me feel threatened and insecure.  Maybe I'll talk about this in group.  I think it's just a case of wanting what he doesn't have.  When I was thin, he was constantly ranting about my chest.  He said he would even pay for surgery if he got a lot of money.  Now I have the chest, and he's unhappy!    If I lost down to my very unhealthy weight of 120 (about what I weighed when we met, and I'm 5'7), it would be the chest again.  For a guy who doesn't see any visual images, he has a very unrealistic expectations of womanly appearance.   Not to mention, I doubt "Barbie" would be able to lift a 50 pound sack of birdseed and carry it a block like I did yesterday. 

I am HEALTHY.  I am sane.  Isn't that what matters?  When I work out, I have to be very careful not to become an exercise addict or exercise bullimic.  It is VERY easy to slip into the "I ate a bad thing, but if I run for an hour I'll burn it off" mentality.  That just hurts body and soul.  Sure, once in a rare while, it's fine.  But it started happening more and more often, and I was getting hurt.  And scared.  I don't want to be dependent on anything like that. 

I never forget, I am hardwired for addiction.  FAS has 80% admitted addiction rates; bipolar has 50%.  If you had a 50% chance of dying if you went to work tomorrow, would you go?  What if you had an 80% chance of going bankrupt if you slept in your bed tonight?  I know I'd be on the floor!   And people wonder why I'm careful! 

I think avoidance of certain things, is the best choice.  It's worked for me.  I think I'm doing very well, considering.  My life is damned hard but I'm determined to make the best of it, with God's guidance. 

So I focus on the positive things that bring me joy.  My new indoor plants (tomato, lettuce, etc) are all doing well under the grow lights.  I need to check and water them.  My covered plants are all doing well; except for a few pansies.  Even the uncovered red kale, looks fine.  I am definitely saving that seed!  I can focus on fun things, like planning my garden.  Where will I put the lettuce?  How many seeds should I plant?  Do I want to devote a garden bed to flowers only?  Where can I find a small hand hatchet?  What kind things can I do for myself? 

I can brood about the Bad Things all day long, I can deny that anything's wrong in my life.  I can accept the Bad Things, ask God to handle them, and go work on what He wants me to do:  Love others, love myself.  Let Him do the heavy lifting!