I am loved

As I type this, Ron's on the way to the liquor store.  In a cab.  With a huge tote bag.  [soft groan]  UGH. 

He was definitely conflicted as he left.  I guess I can tell you now; I signed him up for the TV show "Intervention".  They were interested for about a week, until they got more details.  The casting lady really wanted us, but the committee voted no. 

So much for my intervention.  [wry grin]  Back in God's hands. 

In the meantime, I have found my Al-anon time very uneducational and unfulfilling.  It takes about 5 hours a day on my day off, to attend a meeting.  I realize, an alcoholic marriage has two unhealthy parties.  I realize I have issues.  I am happy to look at my issues and work on them. 

I spend a fair amount of time examining myself.   I confess my sins to God as I catch them (often after a very unkind thought; sorry Lord, help me take my thoughts captive [2 Corinthians 10:5]), and earnestly work to be my best.  I am not playing the old game "It's all Him". 

I know getting angry or playing into the games is unhealthy, so I seek to avoid it.  I am clear on boundaries and do not allow him to cross them (ie - I will not go to the liquor store with you - that means I will not come out and read the cab meter, or help you carry the booze into the house, or wait for the cab and come get you when it arrives). 

I'm honestly concerned; I want him to realize his problem and get help before it's too late.  I have to turn my fears over to God, or I'll be in the Neuro-Psych unit downtown! 

However, I leave the meetings deeply depressed.  I can't talk about the meetings, or the other people.... but - AGH. 

I'm not asking anyone to fix my problems, but just sitting there and then going on to someone else?   Nothing I would deem useful, carried out.  Just a dry monotone reading from a little book and then staring at the walls. 

My Dad said he got great advice, well, Dad they don't seem to do that anymore.  They talk about spirituality, I think I qualify as fairly spiritual.  I HAVE God; I just want some tips. 

Nothing, except for the brochure I got, and I am doing that.  I do reading and all the books talk about "Oh, I got all the love I wasn't getting at home, at my meeting".   That's not what I want.  I am loved.   I know that. 

I have a very loving family.  My husband loved me enough to come back from the dead.  God showed him what would happen to me, 5 years later, and Ron elected to be there.  That's a lot of love.  God loves me, enough to send His own son to die for me. 

God loves me every minute of every day; first, best, and always.  Any human love is a pale imitation.  I thank Him for it; I'm loved. 

I don't want "strangers" to love me.  I don't even want to stop Ron's drinking; he needs to do that on his own, for himself.  He needs to realize it is harming him, is not a friend, and is damaging his life.  I need to leave all that to Ron; and trust God to handle things. 

He created Ron; he knows how to fix this.  I trust God to fix this. 

Ron just came home, very jolly and carrying a gallon and a half of vodka.  Gulp. 

I'll focus on the good things; we had a decent review, work was busy and productive, I got paid early, Ron gave me a little bonus.  I had a good laugh at the fat squirrel outside my window today; they love sunflower seeds.  I bought a sack and distribute them in the yard. 

I'll focus on the flock of sparrows chirping outside the window, the fact I've got tomorrow off, the red geranium, and the sugarfree hot chocolate I plan to fix as I watch a good TV program.  I'll do my God Time and leave it all up to Him, again. 

And hopefully, I'll have a quiet night.