It's been a few days since I hit the "new post" button. Sorry about that.
I can trot out the old "depression" flag, and that's the majority of the issue. Doc once told me, I am a "loss of interest" depressive. I don't want to do anything I find fun. I have to force myself to it.
Heck, I was doing pretty good just to shower! One day I went to work with pretty greasy hair. Laundry? Good luck with that. So, mostly depression.
A lot of fatigue, and headaches. Today I had another migraine but the "headache relief formula" kept me functional enough to work and run errands.
I've reached a conclusion: no more sugar. It's just not worth it.
What kind of person am I, pointing the finger at an alcoholic when I'm just as bad? When I'm enslaved to a health-destroying, mood-killer, substance? There are no health benefits to sugar, and I can make a pretty persuasive argument that at least Ron's red wine has some antioxidants!
One reason I resent the whole weight loss issue: Ron always says he "deserves better than a fat woman". Oh, doesn't that just make you want to slap him? To gain 100 pounds and tell him to suck it up, jerk?
Obviously, the man who once majored in psychology has forgotten a few tricks! So, do I stay "fat' just to spite him?
That would be, idiotic. I don't want to see myself as an idiot.
God gave me this body, with the expectation I'd care for it. I need to do that, just from a purely spiritual standpoint.
And while I can do everything I need to care for Ron and our business, it would be a lot easier if I could knock off this extra 50 pounds.
Gasp! I said it! And I didn't die!
I can be pretty horribly, internally, regarding "fat people". Horrible. And while I may not be saying any of it out loud God hears it and it's shameful. I need to work on that.
I need to focus on taking care of me. Of course, on some level, it may very well reward Ron's stupid attitudes about a fat wife. He makes it sound like getting last place.
But, I knew getting into this, he had some attitudes. I can't exactly say I'm shocked.
While I never intend to get back down to the 130 I weighed when we met, that doesn't mean I have to stay over 200, either. [shrug] Only God knows, my ideal weight.
Somewhere, I think, between 150-170 pounds. I would be very happy to get there.
3 comments:
This time of year seems to bring out the depression in many of us. I hope you are feeling more balanced and like yourself soon.
I know you probably already know this, but Ron calling you fat and saying he "deserves" a fat wife is abuse. My ex used to do a subtler form of that when I gained weight from medication..he would point out a woman the same size as me and call her "fat names" and then when I said she was about my size, he would get angry and say I couldn't take a joke or else be sullen and nasty. Getting healthy and losing weight for your own well being is awesome, but please tell Ron that behaviour isn't acceptable, if you haven't already. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just looking out for you. I've both worked with women that have been abused in my profession and been one, so have been on both sides of the fence and know what it's like. You are a child of God and are beautiful in His eyes and deserve to be treated as such.
Praying for you, Heather, and Ron too.
Ron is a jerk and if he had his sight he would see that while you may be fat he is not exactly Brad Pitt. People can be so cruel. Get back on track Heather for you. Not for him. I know being at a healthy weight and eating right is good mentally and physically.
Oh, I agree. That's just hateful and immature.
I have also decided, when I lose the weight, as Ron notices progress; make a point of telling him "I'm doing this for me, not for you, in fact, your ugly attitude almost kept me from trying at all."
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