The Lithium always wins

Today I found out yet another family member has bipolar disorder.  I really wonder, if you threw a dart at my family tree, would you hit a "normal?"  Doubtful. 

Well, I pray for everyine.  I also have a page in my notebook; and pray for people with mental illness (the right medication and will to use it, proper diagnosis, affordable medication, etc).  I just wish I didn't know so many who qualified. 

Don't get me wrong; I love them.  But I know it is hell, and I hate to see anyone, especially those I love, suffering the way I do.  AGH. 

Not much I can do, just pray.  Encourage them to take medication as directed, avoid alcohol, and strive for a stable routine.  However, we have at least 4 generations running around out there.  [sigh]

I am glad I'm enrolled in a genetic study for bipolar disorder.  I hope, one day, they will be able to do a DNA swab and tell a parent "Your child has ABZ Bipolar disorder.  As she starts to exhibit symptoms we'll start her on lithium, and antipsychotics as needed.." 

That is, until the Rapture. 

I was thinking today.  I was at the Post Office.  A family had come in to get passports.  They were jabbering away in Spanish and I thought "You know, if I didn't believe in the Rapture I'd be pretty annoyed."  When did America become a Spanish speaking country?  If I really thought I'd be around in 40 years, I'd have been upset. 

If nothing else, my belief in the Rapture has certainly kept me calm!  Things that MIGHT bother or worry me (like, retirement), I just shrug off and take a "Cross that bridge when I come to it" attitude. 

Last night I started getting manic.  I slept in today, got 10 hours.

I had a lot of energy this morning; got my God Time, talked to Ron for a while, showered (funny, I was so depressed last night I didn't have the energy!), got my presents, and left. 

I went to Foodtown, got some soda, a little candy for the Postal Clerks, and some last minute additions to the goodie boxes.  Now, there's a happy memory; the goodie box. 

I don't have a lot of ideal memories of my mother.  If I had to claim one, it would be of her suicide attempt when I was a toddler.  She attempted suicide while I was home.  I remember a lot of paramedics, I'm scared and crying, something written on the wall, and someone picking me up.  The second memory would be myself, as an older child and young teen, listening to my mother sobbing on the other end of the phone, begging my forgiveness.  Telling her it was OK, I forgave her (I do). 

However, I also have a lot of happy memories of goodie boxes.  See, when Mom was manic one gift just wasn't enough.  [laugh]  If you know bipolar disorder, you know what that means.  I remember when I was about 7.  She bought me a whole zoo's worth of stuffed animals.  My adoptive Mom was shocked. 

When I was 10, "we" moved cross-country.  My bio-Mom wasn't too good with birthdays and Christmas.  I might get something, I might not.  More often, I got a lavish gift box in the middle of the summer for no apparent reason (I'm good for aummer manias, too). 

So, my adoptive Mom would bake the cake and the birthday meal, plan the party, and select a present.  Birth Mom was "good" for the occasional goody box.  They were always stuffed full of various, interesting items. 

My sister does that, too.  I LOVE YOU SUE!  Just in case she is reading.  Anyway, she always makes an interesting little goodie box. 

Generally, it seems like the holiday, whatever it is, hits right in the middle of one of my depressions.  I was feeling very sorry for myself the other day, mentally whining about the difficulty of selecting presents when depressed.  I don't have the energy or creativity.  I feel like whatever I select will end up in a trash can, unappreciated.  Horrible, right? 

I have also MISSED many festive occasions, I'm ashamed to admit, because I couldn't lick the bad thoughts or muster the energy for a gift box.  It's sad, and I'm sorry. 

However, last night, as I began to get manic, I had some great ideas for inclusion in the goody boxes (Dad and adoptive Mom, and my sister).  I finally had the energy and inspiration.  If Allen is still reading, something he liked went to my sister.  I already had the meat, but I was able to add a few condiments. 

The grocery store provided the finishing touches.  I wore my Santa hat.  Happily, it was not as bad as I'd feared, at the Post Office.  It wasn't much busier than normal.  I wore my santa hat and brought candy. 

Please, if you are going to ship something, bring some candy for the clerk.  They will love it.  Mine did. 

Did I have anything hazardous?  Well, some sweets... got them all shipped off in their medium flat rate boxes.  I love those things; and got some more. 

By the time I finished, the lithium had effectively "slammed" the mania.  I was pretty fatigued, so I went home. 

On the way home, I met a woman on the bus. 

"I remember you!  You gave me a Bible!" 

[grin]