The thought of tomorrow

If you're a regular reader, you might remember a post I made a while back. 

In the post, I displayed two images.  One was a small white mouse.  Ew.  Get it away from me.   That's how a lot of people interact with depression.  It is a yucky, nasty, thing.  They are glad to see the last of it. 

For me, [pardon me while I get out the violin], my depression is far more relatable to the second image; a massive, nasty, vicious BEAST that clearly wanted to eat you for dinner.  In another post, I described my depression as "roaring in the basement".   Sometimes, managing my depression is a lot like walking past a cage containing a vicious animal. 

I got bit.  Oh, I feel like I'm crawling off to hide, bleeding profusely; in terrible pain.  Trying desperately to distract myself as I face the fact that, no, I don't have the "juice" to take a shower tonight. 

I tell myself that's OK.  I don't have to be perfect.  I don't have to do it all.  I don't have to try.  Sometimes all I will do is stand, endure, and survive.  That's wonderful. 

I tell myself God gave me this illness; and He had a reason.  It makes me depend on Him.  I have to take it all to Him when I'm like this.  Just the thought of "tomorrow" sometimes, is such a horrifying concept I can't allow the thought. 

God doesn't require perfection; He wants my faith.  He wants my trust.  I can give Him that; and sometimes that's all I can give.  He gives me "The Grace to Deal" - which I so often request, and thank Him for. 

I try to be a grateful person.  I have so many wonderful things in my life; in fact, sometimes I'm embarrassed to talk about them.  I work part time.  Very few people can do that.  I have a fantastic little house; I adore it.  I love my yard, my garden.  I love the natural sunlight.  I love the sound the trees make when the wind picks up and it's about to rain.  I love to squash around in the soggy soil after a good downpour, checking on my plants.  I love my collards.  They have endured drought, floods, heat waves, snow, ice storms, hurricanes, and they just keep going.  I hope I have half the endurance of my collards. 

I remind myself, the same God who created my illness also created my medication; my AFFORDABLE medication.  He also created my doctor and pharmacist.  He created many excellent resources; people who would love to help me manage my illness. 

I'm glad I work; because I need to work.  I need to stay busy.  I need to know, I have to get up at 5 AM tomorrow to get ready for work.  That I'm needed to troubleshoot and stock vending machines, and help Ron do the same. 

Sometimes, the thought of tomorrow is the only thing that keeps me going.