That's Sad

Sometimes, it would be really easy to make Ron look like a complete creep and me, the long-suffering victim. The last couple days he has been EXTREMELY cranky.

Some examples: Telling me he was calling the "chat line" again and then wanting to discuss all the sexual preferences and probable disease status on all the chatters. Then getting angry when I told him, yet AGAIN, that I don't want to hear he is calling the line and I certainly don't want to hear about the "members". I don't want him to call it, and I don't want to know that Ron is calling it. "I get bored" he whines. Read a book! Don't call the sl#tline and then expect me to applaud you and gossip about the members with you. I don't want to hear the ad for the couple that wanted a foursome. GACK. He got really angry when I told him, simply, "I'd rather not know you're calling it, and I never want to hear about the people on it." What, in that statement, evokes FOUR HOURS of sulking and a half day of defensive rationalization? I don't need you to tell me you didn't know I didn't want to hear about them (apparently the head injury has left a big hole in this area, because I have told him hundreds of times). Then I get accused of judging when that's exactly what he is doing, saying they are all probably diseased. If they are so offensive, why call? If I were to tell him not to call at all, I'd be accused of "trying to control him and no one controls ME" and he'd REALLY go off the chain.

Ranting interminably about his perspective on life and God. He started with the whole "Society is a rotting piece of fruit. We are all overripe and God is just letting us rot on the ground." I told him, you've said this before. "No I haven't!" then I started reciting his views right back at him. That resulted in hours of sulking and brooding. When I tell him he is being extremely negative and ask for a break - as requested when he is NOT ranting: "JUST TELL ME HEATHER, I'LL STOP!" When I tell him he's a little "intense" I he sulks, says I am trying to control him, etc. Justification... how unfair that he can't express his opinions. THAT issue is so bad I have actually considered carrying a stopwatch and timing how long every day he goes off. Recently he was doing this in a cab. The driver was exhibiting very pained body language - not wanting to hear it. Rubbing the back of her next repeatedly and only relaxing when Ron was quiet.

I tried to explain this and Ron got angry at me, and said, basically, she had to hear what he wanted to say - like it or not. I told him hearing did not equal acceptance and he was in danger of turning a lot of people OFF of God if he kept going around telling them they didn't exist, and this world didn't either, because it's all "energy". (A small example) Eventually he relented a bit and said if I "signalled" him, he WOULD stop. It's bad enough he dumps on me, but completely unfair to dump on other people. I WILL come down on him for that.

He complains bitterly about my music... yet listens for hours to his hippie music about people screwing around (not a good subject for me considering our history). He plays it on a little boom box he carries around, so I either have to put on my headphones or suck it up. If I ask HIM to put on headphones it's the attitude again, name-calling, and judging because I don't like his "good" music. I'm Heather the Fun Killer. I understand it is his way of reaching out to people, but I hate country. I hate soul (a lot more songs about people screwing around). I hate hippie music (yet again). Yet I am constantly forced to music I hate because Ron wants to be "the fun guy with all the good music". If I even MENTION my music Ron accuses me of "being angry, only angry people listen to it....if I had your life I would be angry too, it's so angry, it is displeasing to God... only immature people listen to it..." etc. Do I say any of that about HIS music? No. He would say because I couldn't, but the point remains: He is very critical about my music, refusing to even allow me to play it, and forces me to listen to music I hate - and I never complain. I don't make hater comments. I don't judge him. About the only positive thing I can say is that he does not play "Tulsa Time" which I really detest.

Then today we went to Walmart. At first things were fine. I asked if I could borrow $5 until payday so I could (for the record with you) buy a lower-carb whey protien powder AND some driver candy and soda. He got very angry and said no. He refused to buy the candy for me and let me pay him back. He told me I spent too much money on other people and I got the budgeting lecture.

I said, fine. I put the protein back (it was the most expensive at $15), leaving plenty of money for the candy, soda, and rubbing alcohol. Hopefully I can get the protien after I get paid. Later on Ron said he'd buy the candy, very grudgingly and insincere. I said I had put something back and could afford it now.

The Walmart brand 2-liters are only about 80 cents. That's about the price of one half liter bottle of soda in a six pack. I got several of them (probably would have gotten them if I had a lot of money). Ron does not ever drink "my" soda, he is not interested and prefers to drink his diet orange.

The cashier said "Oh, are the generics any good?" I told her yes, I liked them a lot, and you couldn't beat the price. Ron got all mad. "I would have got you the name brand... you should have told me you had to buy generics." This from guy who just told me he WOULDN'T give me money. I told him I get the generics a lot, it wasn't a today thing, and I like to save money. He sulked for a while after that. Why could he possibly care I bought MYSELF generic soda (which tastes the same to me) with MY money, after a big budget lecture? Oh, and him spending $15 on the cat. [snorting] Pretty funny actually.

Do I EVER complain? Did I complain when we got all the way out of the store, put up the cart we used, and then he says "I think I might need to go". No. I did not say "You should have told me when we were right by the bathroom". I did not say "Why didn't you go at home?" I didn't say anything except OK. I turned right around, went back in, and took him to the bathroom.

If you are with someone who does not need to be taken to the bathroom, appreciate it. It is a big pain. Especially when he says he needs to go and then says no, he doesn't. I have to drag him to the bathroom. It gets old. I would like to be married to a man who can get HIMSELF to the bathroom. Then I have to wait for him to finish, outside the bathroom, so I can lead him out again.

One who doesn't rant and rave and dump on ME because the ride is late. Did I complain? No, I got out my knitting and wove in some ends that were hanging loose. Do I ever, EVER, complain that Ron can't drive? Look at me? Admire how fast I knit? No. I don't. I lead him around and I'm happy to be his guide-dog/walker. I lead him around AND I prop him up, and I'm happy to do it because I love him.

I mention one lousy side effect to him and he gets angry and starts yelling at God, and says I don't deserve to have side effects! So much anger! I end up consoling him... and I just wanted a speck of sympathy or some understanding, not a tirade. Worse than the problem! So today I walked around dripping sweat like a menopausal woman because my antidepressant causes hot flashes... not saying a word because telling him would have cost me too much.

That's SAD.