Sunday night thoughts on depression

 My illness really went off the rails, or into overdrive, depending on which analogy you like - when I hit puberty and started my cycle.  Horrific depressions and worse.  

I had no rule book for this.  Everyone in my life thought it was because I had a Bad Mommy, a blended family, had moved cross country a few years before, and had changed schools every year for the last couple years.  

I didn't have a toolbox for this.  They put me on antidepressants, and, when they didn't help, doubled the dose, rendering me suicidal.  I had to throw myself on God and just white knuckle it through every day trying to make it to tomorrow.  I was in talk therapy but here's a clue, even the American Psychiatric Association says you cannot treat my illness without the proper medication.  And I didn't have that for a good 20 years.  

Hard times, but something that drives me out there doing Bible Handouts because I know how much people can hurt and still look OK.  

I know things now I didn't back then: it's going to get better.  I am going to make it.  This will pass.  I know this with certainty.  I know I still have a good life even though I'm in pain.  Hopefully I can flip that pain and use it to pray for the (Bible Handout) recipients, coworkers, friends, and drivers (there is some overlap in those groups).  

I'm glad this hit after the Handout; it often does.  Is it 100% a spiritual attack?  I don't think so.  I have been under a tremendous amount of stress, operating on limited sleep.  I go to work in the dark and I come home in the dark, it's very depressing.  Money is tight as I'm trying to make the property tax.  I have a lot going on.  I won't see Buddy again, that's clear.  I will miss seeing his smiles on my way home from work, and his insightful questions about my day and life.  Who knows?  Maybe he will miss me.  

(Doubtful)

The cats, and my family, are all doing well.  And I will bounce out of this.  

I would rather have a straight depression like this as opposed to a mixed one.  Those are bad; those are the ones that lead to suicides.  I haven't been suicidal in a very long time, almost 20 years.  

I think it's hard for anyone to look at my life and say what I have is 100% organic.  But I really believe it is.  I agree with the doctor who said genetics loads the gun and then environment pulls the trigger.  My life, 5+ years at 40 mg of Prozac a day, life with Ron for 30 years, it's a lot.  

That's all.