Overall the day really wasn't horrendous

 I guess that's kind of like sometimes with Ron I would say "At least he didn't hit me in the face".  

Anyway the spicy boss was there all day.  She was having some personal issues.  I wouldn't share anyway but also due to OPSEC (personal privacy and security).  If I say too much things can be figured out and that would be very bad.

So the boss is having a hard time.  I respect that, we all do.  I was OK with the depression today but Chief Snitch sniffed out her weakness and did some ugly, manipulative things that put Jefa (lady boss in Spanish) in a bad place.  

And I was "it".  I had to explain, yet again, I can do the thing only if I have the equipment.  She actually, at one point, said "That doesn't matter" caught herself, and said something along the lines of "I am really struggling today".  

She got me the equipment and I did the HECK out of "the thing" until even she was happy.  She left me alone after more dire threats.  

But God's enabled me to see she is operating from a place of fear and pain.  God will give you amazing peace but you have to let him use your pain for His Glory.  I hope I have done that myself.  But I can't say this to her because I'm her subordinate.  But she did say "You are very sweet, Heather" which I thought was a lot coming from her.  

So I got through the day, fled like someone lit me on fire, got out to the bus stop.  The homeless guy who works the corner said "Don't get too close" (not that I had planned!) "I've been really sick lately".  So I stayed away.  

The bus came.  I got to the transit center.  An old lady got off my bus and followed me to my next one, looked right at me and said "You know where I need to go".  She clearly had dementia and had "escaped" as she was clean and well groomed, albeit a little disheveled.  She was very, very, confused.  The bus driver and I were able to figure out her home address which I pulled up on Google maps and got the bus she needed to take to go back.  It was exhausting and brought up very, very, bad memories I would rather forget.  

It was so bad I had thought about texting Buddy (just a happy new year thing) and decided against it.  And of course I had a good while riding home to think about who's going to look for me when I wander off?  Right now, no one.  That added an unpleasant seasoning to my PTSD and depression.  

I got home and laid down, #6 had fired up his music.  OK I got up.  I paid the HOA fee.  I don't have much left but I have that covered.  

I'm going to make some pasta for dinner!  

Well I made it to work

 We had a very intense fog this morning but I was able to make it OK.  The first driver, not a regular, passed me up, slammed on the brakes.  I had to run to him.  I told him I had expected that when I saw the fog this morning.  We both laughed.  

The second driver is a long term veteran who is done with the route.  I don't think I'll have any familiar faces in a few weeks.  

It seems fairly quiet at the store.   We will see.  If it's the usual schedule I won't have that boss today.  

I brought some spicy lentils with shredded cheese and a side of pan bread.  Should be tasty!  

Very early Monday

 I like to sleep under a lot of covers in the winter, my version, you could say, of the weighted blanket.  The cats don't like it, though.  

Last night I got hot and threw off all the blankets but one.  Biscuit climbed aboard, and when I woke up later another cat was curled up against my back in a very comforting manner.  Later on I had to get up to urinate (all the time on these meds!) and I realized my companion was Spotty.  He meowed sweetly, let me kiss his head and pet his head and shoulders.  He stayed with me for hours and only got up when I did.  

He's a sweet boy.   I was thrilled to have him.  

I think Cleo was with me too, on my left towards the feet.  Biscuit likes to actually lay on my midsection/back/legs.  

The depression is better but I have a headache that was only somewhat helped by the medication.  

Today won't be too bad.  Biscuit is camped out on his insulated tote bag.  

I've never seen him take to anything the way he loves this tote bag.  I guess I need to hunt around in the garage and get another one.  

Off I go to take my shower.  

Sunday night thoughts on depression

 My illness really went off the rails, or into overdrive, depending on which analogy you like - when I hit puberty and started my cycle.  Horrific depressions and worse.  

I had no rule book for this.  Everyone in my life thought it was because I had a Bad Mommy, a blended family, had moved cross country a few years before, and had changed schools every year for the last couple years.  

I didn't have a toolbox for this.  They put me on antidepressants, and, when they didn't help, doubled the dose, rendering me suicidal.  I had to throw myself on God and just white knuckle it through every day trying to make it to tomorrow.  I was in talk therapy but here's a clue, even the American Psychiatric Association says you cannot treat my illness without the proper medication.  And I didn't have that for a good 20 years.  

Hard times, but something that drives me out there doing Bible Handouts because I know how much people can hurt and still look OK.  

I know things now I didn't back then: it's going to get better.  I am going to make it.  This will pass.  I know this with certainty.  I know I still have a good life even though I'm in pain.  Hopefully I can flip that pain and use it to pray for the (Bible Handout) recipients, coworkers, friends, and drivers (there is some overlap in those groups).  

I'm glad this hit after the Handout; it often does.  Is it 100% a spiritual attack?  I don't think so.  I have been under a tremendous amount of stress, operating on limited sleep.  I go to work in the dark and I come home in the dark, it's very depressing.  Money is tight as I'm trying to make the property tax.  I have a lot going on.  I won't see Buddy again, that's clear.  I will miss seeing his smiles on my way home from work, and his insightful questions about my day and life.  Who knows?  Maybe he will miss me.  

(Doubtful)

The cats, and my family, are all doing well.  And I will bounce out of this.  

I would rather have a straight depression like this as opposed to a mixed one.  Those are bad; those are the ones that lead to suicides.  I haven't been suicidal in a very long time, almost 20 years.  

I think it's hard for anyone to look at my life and say what I have is 100% organic.  But I really believe it is.  I agree with the doctor who said genetics loads the gun and then environment pulls the trigger.  My life, 5+ years at 40 mg of Prozac a day, life with Ron for 30 years, it's a lot.  

That's all.  

I took a nap, and finally started cooking

 I decided to make some lentils with the Kashmiri (it is a location, not a brand) chili powder, onions, tomato paste.  The other pot has the maple Mustard lentils.  I did a cup and a half dry, each, so that should last a while.  I also put some "Haleem" raw wheat kernels in the maple Mustard.  

One of my favorite sides ever has to be cooked whole wheat.  I like it simmered in a fragrant broth and what's tastier than maple Mustard broth?  I started it first and then added the lentils after about a half hour.  It should all be done (both pots) around 4.  

I had a lot of meat this weekend so I'm not worried about "vegetarian" meals.  It's done, I had to tweak the seasoning in the tomato lentils, tasted both, they are done.  

I don't like soupy lentils, I'm going to cook it down until it's a thick stew.  Almost done.  

I tweaked it a bit more, I thought the tomato dish needed some cumin.  I am a big fan of cumin.  For many many years I would simply throw out ancient, half--used jars of spices.  These days I am actually using them up and I like my cumin.  I love the Kashmiri chili powder, too.  I'm going to get more next weekend.  The maple mustard lentils are probably too salty for most tastes so I won't share that.  I think it tastes good and I tend to be pretty moderate in my salt usage.  This one got away from me.  It's still good though.  

I ate my last Mac and cheese out of the freezer.  We (the store) had some for $2.  Tillamook brand.  It was not good.  And it was occupying my freezer.  I ate one Friday night, I ate one today, now I have my space back.  And it was hearty enough I could take my pills with it.  

I am letting the beans cool down before I put them in the fridge.  I also like to examine the fridge every few days and throw things out.  That stems from an incident some time back where Ron ate some leftovers on "my" shelf he didn't know were bad.  He could still get to the bathroom but he was sick for a day or so.  

We each had a shelf in the fridge and then a community shelf with "both" our foods like shredded cheese or meals I had cooked.  If I made or bought something for myself it went on "my" shelf if he had something he didn't want me eating he'd put it on "his".  It was generally stuff like half eaten burritos and half drunk cans of soda.  

I'm going to get going on the dishes.  

Lunch was better than I expected.

 I have a lot of problems when depressed.  Generally, with rare exceptions, I can work but taking care of myself at home can be difficult.  

Food, for instance (by the way the raw chicken is good for over a week), I lack the motivation to cook for myself.  Even at my worst I could still get something for Ron.  It takes a lot of bandwidth, it feels, to look around my kitchen and figure out "I want to eat this".  

I'm not saying this for any other reason than to open a door.  I always felt so alone with my depression until I got online and it seemed like every other person had it.  So maybe it helps someone reading this.  Or maybe not.  I won't know until God shows me one way or another.  

So it's lunch time and I need to eat something.  I have raw food.  I don't want that.  I looked in the fridge, shredded cheese, corn tortillas, and half a can of salsa.  I can make something with that.  Then I saw the can of spicy refried beans on the counter.  

I like my beans with a little kick but nothing that would set anyone on fire.  So I put it all together and made bean tacos, beans on the corn tortilla, topped with the cheese and warmed up, topped with salsa.  Lots of protein and fiber.  I have leftover refried beans to put with my eggs later.  It was very, very, good, the salsa and the beans together were fantastic.  

I need to get some more salsa after work one day (I have more at the house but only one can).  I have a couple cans each of the beans I like, the spicy refried, and the spicy refried.  I love beans I just like a little seasoning in there.  

I am learning new things about myself all the time.  

Nap time.  

It's been a long while since I had a depression this bad

 Not for the weak let me tell you.  

I slept OK woke up thirsty several times (normal with my medication).  

I did some cleaning up and will put the Christmas stuff (mostly clothes, some unused greeting cards, etc.) in the garage later.  

I have lentils soaking and will make some up later.  That would be a good quick meal on my break.  

Spotty's ear looks much better.  He likes to get in my lap when I'm on the computer but has very good manners and does not touch anything on the desk.  It looks much better and I applied some more Silver Sulfadiazine (per the tube) cream.  He wiggled a little but I don't think it's hurting like it was yesterday, he got pretty upset yesterday but did the flatten his ears back and run thing vs. lashing out (he is a very good boy as long as you don't pet him past his shoulders).  He stayed in my lap after I did it, for more pets.  

I would have photos but I have to assume the pest can and will take anything I post, twist it for her agenda in the sick name of "helping".  

You want to help?  Send me money.  Send me Iams Urinary dry cat food.  Send me individually wrapped hard candy to hand out.  Send me Bibles for God's sake I will never turn away a Bible (unless it's some cult Bible like the "Recovery" or "New World" translation).  

Sick.  Sick.  Sick.  Nothing better to do than pick on me.  What am I?  Nothing.  I'm one soul in a sea of 3 billion.  I just talk a lot.  And I can't even have comments anymore!  I probably shouldn't even have the blog but I have to draw a line somewhere.  

OK I'm done with my tantrum and I didn't even use anything profane.  

I need to do the dishes first, then I can look in the fridge and plan out some meals.  I have a lot (about 15) eggs.  I plan to cook them up; have some with beans, cheese, and salsa (the spicy charro beans are excellent, and I've found I like eggs and beans together), have the rest with the more traditional ground sausage.  

I need to check the use by date on my raw chicken as well that will determine a lot.  

But I've got to get started on those dishes...

I did a touch up on the henna

 

I wasn't happy with the roots.  So I got this out of the freezer (leftover henna from my last treatment).  

It looks kind of like weed, it is not.  It is, as I describe it, "Dried ground up leaves mixed with water"

I was wearing gloves because I apply it with my hands.  It's about the only time you'll see me in gloves.  Anyway I put it on my part and hairline, I had some left so I mushed it in all over the crown of my head.  Wrapped it in plastic, topped with a shower cap.  Happily I could wear my glasses as I only treated the top and front.  

It's too dark to take a photo but I'm happy with how it turned out.  I'll put up a photo tomorrow.  

Remember also it takes a few days for the color to mature.  Tonight the roots are pretty orange flavored but they'll get redder.  

If you are going to henna for a special occasion I would always suggest doing it at least a week in advance.   That's what I did with my birthday trip to see Dad, that's what I did when I correctly guessed my aunt might come to town.  

And don't forget you need to "wash" with conditioner the first 2 days and then switch back to your regular hair care routine.  

That's it for now (Saturday night)!  

Sunday: 

More about cats

 The cats have taught me a lot about love.  

Torbie, Ron's best friend in his final days.  Everyone loves the story of her bapping him for treats every 10 minutes and Ron, so far gone he couldn't remember she just got some, so she got "a river of treats" the last year before he died.   I privately consider how she cried the night of his death and how she lost her will to live.  That's true love.  

She was supposed to be "my" cat but she knew Ron needed her in a way I never would.  

Biscuit, my OG, always close to me.  Meets me at the door every night when I come home from work even though he has food.  Sleeps with me every night - Biscuit can have anything he wants!  

I find it very touching to witness the bond between Spotty and Cleo, litter mates.  Spotty came home with a small boo boo got likely fighting.  It looks like a claw got him about 1/4 inch on his ear (the ear is fine just scratched).  

I actually have a cat first aid kit.  So I got out the Silvadur I think it is, it's an antibiotic cream for cats.  Apparently peroxide is bad and I need to get some of the blue stuff they gave me when Torbie had an injury some years ago.  I put a little on his ear and he ran off, offended that I had violated him thus.  

A while back I saw Cleo grooming his ear, licking it intently.  The cream I use can be ingested that's why I used it.  She took it very seriously for a few minutes and then let Spotty go.  It was sweet to watch her care.  She will, occasionally, lick my face at night in bed but not like she does with her brother.  

I am so glad I was able to keep them together.  They are very bonded.  

Last night and this morning

 So last night I hadI got to get some things on my way out, cat food, cat litter, etc.  They put my favorite sneaker, the Athletic Works "Front runner" on clearance I am so crushed about that.  So I got my last pair of those.  That should hold me another 2-3 months.  

Ace and I have a little arrangement.  I tell him 9:30 and he comes at 9:15.  I would never, ever, tell him this but I had gotten to the front of the checkout line when I realized I had forgotten his snack!  

I got out of line, of course, got his stuff, and had to go back.  They had 2 people working the self checks while a third was zoning the batteries, and the customers were stacked up.  I don't know why they did that.  I got out of there but it was 9:25 and Ace had texted me was I OK.  

I explained I had "forgotten something and had to go back it was important" as I hefted a bag of cat food in the trunk so I kind of lied by implication.  I got home OK and talked to my Dad.  He is doing well and had fun at Christmas.  

This morning I woke up at 6, got out of the house (even did my Bible study) at 8, and went to the grocery store.  The weather was saying rain would come in the afternoon, maybe.  

I saw my friend the cashier and we chatted a little.  I spent $40.  Sadly I didn't get a lot of groceries for that.  I did buy some generic brand corn chips; and some ginger snaps, I will take as snacks for work because I only work long enough for a break next week, most days.  

I got some chicken thighs.  The bone in with skin version was cheaper but they were so big, and I didn't need all that meat.  Not unless I increase my family (remarry).  I got those and looked at the beef with bones for soup, that looked really tasty but I have some soup in the freezer already, and the pork roast, they had a pale, smaller one for about $4 it just didn't appeal - and a larger much darker roast for about $10.  I think I will get one of those next week after I get paid.  It looked really good.  But again, that's a lot of meat.  

I have some thin beef steaks I need to eat (Milanesa) and some sausage, eggs, cheese.  I did buy a bag of shredded cheese.  That to me is very important and I can do a lot with it.  

I was given some money for Christmas.  While I love a thoughtful gift I have property tax coming due in a few weeks.  I used the cash for exciting things like cat food, litter, groceries, new shoes for work (to replace worn out ones), etc.  And some of it went to the property tax!  

Unfortunately they cut my hours significantly next month, that's going to hurt, almost $200 less a paycheck.  I will make it work.  I have often thought it might be interesting to take $20 to the grocery store and see if I could make it stretch to a week of interesting meals.  

I do plan to make lentils tomorrow, I'm thinking the maple Mustard ones, and some curried ones with a cut up potato in it.  I find those very filling and they don't bother my allergies or cause headaches.  All good!  

I got home OK but it was getting cloudy.  I had seen we were getting severe weather coming so I hurried.  It started raining about 90 minutes after I got home.  I put away the groceries and took a nap with Cleo.  When I got up 2 hours later it was mostly gone and the rest of it cleared out in an hour.  

I was having a root issue with my hair so I got out my "touch up pack" out of the freezer (you can freeze henna after you make the paste, for later, or if you have leftovers you don't need) and left that out to thaw.  When it was thawed I did my part and the hairline, had a little left so I did the front.  The nice thing about henna it won't be obvious where the new stuff ends.  

Looking at my schedule it was apparent I am not going to ride with Buddy again.  But I think I ended things OK.  He has my number.  

Today I mainly wanted to rest up, do laundry and my hair, that's it.  Tomorrow will be more cooking and cleaning.  

That's it for now!  

They didn't take Oscar :( (cat gossip)

 There is an orange tomcat I have seen off and on for years.  I am not sure if he is the same tomcat Ron named "Paw" (as he is likely the father of Cleo and Spotty) who tried to get in the cat door for years (Biscuit doesn't like him) before Ron died.  I didn't see him for a while.  

We have some rentals in the neighborhood, they are attractive to tenants as most of the homes are large and luxurious looking.  My home is a very basic one story clapboard very unlike all the big 2 story brick palaces.  But you know what?  When Ron went back in the wheelchair that one story came in handy!  

I have heard stories of stroke victims having to sell their home and move because all the bathrooms were on the second floor and it was prohibitively expensive to remodel.  I am very glad I looked at the worst case scenario finances and accessibility when I bought it.  

Anyway he's a nice, healthy (even now) looking orange boy, not fixed.  He is friendly.  He comes up to me for pets.  He keeps trying to get in the cat door, and did, one night, had a panic attack trying to climb the walls until I got up and opened the sliding glass door for him.  

I named him Oscar because he looks like an Oscar to me, he's a solid orange shorthaired boy.  He is not fixed a quick look at his back end will tell you that!  

He lived several houses away, on another street.  It was a Latino family, they had 2 young men who were always puttering in the garage.  They left the garage cracked open so Oscar had a place to shelter, I think.  He would go running over to the house if he was out roaming in the morning and one of them came out so I think he loved them.  

They got evicted.  I saw the big moving van and then a week later the irate Asian landlord doing cleanup.  They are still cleaning up weeks later.  If there's a landlord database out there that family is blacklisted!  

I didn't see him for a while so I had hoped they took him with.  

I didn't get him neutered because some cultures are very weird about that and he wasn't my cat.  Also, my girl is fixed.  

He won't be making kittens at my house.  And, again, while my Spanish is workable for some situations it wasn't up for the "Spay and Neuter your pets" lecture.  

He is obviously looking for a place to land.  I have seen him a time or two, blocks up the road, when I was walking to the bus stop in the early morning (he loves to roam when I'm going to work).  We have some kindly ladies who feed cats, he is in good shape physically and I have a shelter in the back yard.  I watched him out the window just now, he went through my yard urinating on various objects.  

I need to pray about this and figure out what to do.  My 3 cats have made it abundantly clear they don't want him around.  It is winter so maybe Texas Litter Control (a nearby spay/neuter rescue) can help.  I don't have my trap anymore either.  

That's it for now!  

A post about the annoying guy at work

 I know some things.  

I know a blind man in a wheelchair with one working arm would get up at 4 AM every day for 17 years and go to work, with that one arm, to make a living for himself, me, and our cats.  I know he was always kind and respectful to service providers (not to me, but them!).  He cared they were working hard to help him out.  

Ron didn't like Gospel music, one time the driver was playing it loudly and he asked her to turn it down, she told him no.  Other times drivers, sick of "fragrant" clients, would use heavy air fresheners in the vehicle.  Neither of us liked that but he would just ask them to roll a window down.  

I also rode paratransit services as Ron's "provider" for 17 years.  I got a free ride in exchange for minding Ron, and let's be frank, making him mind.  He used to love, for instance, to ask female drivers about their childbirth experiences.  

I think I was alright as a passenger.  I often brought candy.  Ron handed out cold drinks for a while.  If we went out to dinner, Ron would often buy a to-go meal for the driver.  Only one driver took advantage of that, buying herself a steak dinner, appetizer, and dessert (most drivers got the $10 meal).  He never did that again for her.  

My only notable quirk, if we were in the minivan I liked to sit in the front passenger seat.  There were 3 seats in the back row and the wheelchair compartment behind that.  Ron like to "transfer' out of his wheelchair and sit behind me in the front passenger seat.  

I'm not "modest" by Muslim standards, and a lot of the drivers practiced that, so some of those men didn't want me sitting next to them.  Other than that I think I was pretty easy.  

But I saw a lot and I have a lot of very good advice for people who want to ride the service.  

There is a weird guy at work younger than me, about 15 years or so (about the age gap I have with Buddy!).  He "likes" me.  I have made it pretty clear I'm not dating at work, I will be friends, bring you some of my pork roast if I like you as a friend, that sort of thing.  I don't bring this guy food.  I don't want him to get the wrong idea.  

He is autistic but seems more selfish and entitled than anything.  He is white.  He whines a lot.  He bragged once they fired him but his parents spoke to the store manager and got him his job back.  

He doesn't like taking the bus to work.  He can't drive due to another disability.  He has about a 20 minute ride one way.  

For the record, on a good day it is 90 minutes for me, one way.  

He was complaining about "having" to take a Uber - and talked about leaving $1 tips - so he's a jerk I don't care what his problem is - those guys are out there busting their asses and came to pick you up that is AT LEAST $5 in my book.  Anyway he said he had to take a Uber because it was raining and "How much does it cost you, Heather, to take a Uber when it's raining".  

I was eating, so I told him, my mouth full of food, "I don't" 

WTF you take the bus in the rain?!  What if it's cold, too?

I wear long underwear.  

He actually got up and left the table, hearing that.  You do what you have to do.  I'm disabled, and poor.  I think I qualify as "low income" at any rate I can't afford to pay for a ride every time it rains.  I am happy with the 2 rides at night with Ace, once a week, out of the 10 rides to and from work every day.  

Besides, Ace enjoys hearing gossip about the bus (I don't talk about Buddy) and the cats.  It's lighthearted for him which I think is good for both of us after a long day.  

He keeps going on about how the bus drivers are ***holes and this and that.  I told him to stop.  "But they made me get off the bus at the end of the line" he whined.  The bus driver has to deal with "freaks and geeks" (one driver's comment about the clientele when it was just us one day) all day, he doesn't want you on the bus during his break.  

And I told him a kinder variant of this.  He wouldn't hear it.  The bus driver is the enemy.  

I remonstrated, in vain, that the bus driver as friend is a much better outcome if you are late for the bus and he's approaching the stop before you get there (I've had drivers stop and wait for me).  He wouldn't hear it.  

He said he was going for paratransit.  Against my better judgement, I gave him advice: do not tell them you are riding the bus.  If you can ride the bus independently it disqualifies you, that's how they got me when I applied many years ago.  

He said that's how he got around so that's what he was going to tell them.  Fine.  

I warned him this is not how you want to get around.  The bus comes at set intervals, the service can ride you around for up to 2 hours, passing your drop off,  every ride.  They are often late.  I don't see how anyone can keep a job riding with them.  

Again, he had all the answers.  I rode for almost 20 years; I know a few things and I knew it would be a bad fit for someone as "parent dominated" (old Transactional Analysis term means uptight jerk), as he.  But he didn't want to hear it.  

So he applied, and told them he rode the bus independently.  Surprise!  They denied him.  He appealed, and took one of his parents with him to the hearing.  I don't know what was said but they approved him.  

He is going to hate it.  I venture he will be banned by June.  He is very verbally abusive when triggered, and he will go off.  The phone calls to customer service are recorded.  

Side note, when I called customer service (Ron asked me, when he died, to notify them) they started crying and hung up, someone called me back 3 times, when I answered it was the supervisor in tears begging me to tell her he wasn't dead.  That's the type of passenger I aim to be.  

So the calls are recorded and they have cameras in the vehicles.  Even Mommy and Daddy won't save him if they have him on video multiple times, cussing out a driver.  

I know the crash is coming, I just have to sit back and watch.  

Depression is flogging me today

 I am doing what I can.  

I forgot a Handout often comes with a depression.  

I feel like I'm giving Walmart their money's worth.  

Today they loaned me out to another department entirely.  It was pretty interesting.  

Other than that it's been a struggle.  

More when I get home.  

Today was pretty much what I expected

 But I made it.  

We also had a line of severe weather come through.  I was fine, the house and store were fine, the cats seem fine.  More on the cats tomorrow before work.  

You know what?  I am completely out of gas so I'm going to bed.  

I made it, that's what matters.  

Chrome or something freaked out when I posted the poem, I don't know if it turned out.

 I never quite know how to handle praise after a Handout.  To me it's no big deal.  I put the stuff on my cart, I go, I hold up the sign, I hand stuff out, I come home.  I ignore any uproar from the lawbreakers.  

I worry if I accept any recognition I won't be useful anymore.  I have pride issues, I'm the first to tell you that.  I'm the type of person, if Ron fell and said he was OK I'd try to get him up for an hour before I'd call for help.  And I don't want people to think I'm doing it for the wrong reasons.  

I do it, simply, because people are hurting.  God has given me comfort I would like to share.  That's it.  

For some reason today Facebook exploded.  I know a lot of nice Christian ladies from way, way back.  25 years or longer.  They had a lot of nice things to say today.  

Anyway they reminded me of a poem I wrote a long time (15 years ago).  If you don't like poetry you'll want to scroll now, or click. 

Heather, I need you this way

.When I was a kid I'd fall and I'd cry

I'd look at the others, I'd moan and I'd sigh

.God why am I different? It's not very fair

They can do so much, I just can't compare.

I tried and I tried to learn tying my shoes

I'd fall off my bike, and was plagued by the blues

Depressed as a child! Sure doesn't seem fair!

I hated my glasses, my feet, and my hair.

I tried to make friends, so strange and so wierd

My company? No thanks! I was to be feared!

I sighed and I cried and I leaned upon God

I took him my pain and I made him my Rock.

When others were playing, and on the home phone

I was in my room, with God, never alone.

He told me again and again, oh it seemed

."I'm going to use you, for wonderful things."

As I got older, I realized my brain

Was broken and different, a source of much pain

I cried and I raged and felt bitter inside

When I realized that I never would drive

Stuck on the bus for the rest of my life!

No man would ever want that for a wife!

My glasses so thick, and my face broken out

My bitterness, raging, at God I would shout.

God why did you ever create me this way?

Are you sick, mad or just playing a game?

I love you so much but you weren't thinking straight

Had I been normal I could have done many things.

I could have reached others and led them to you

I could have made money, not cried with the blues.

Instead I have migraines, the ups and the downs

Can't live in the country, it must be the town.

God smiled and told me that soon I would see.

He had wonderful plans in store for plain old me.

I met my true love, at a certain job.

I only got because I'm off in my "knob".

Had I been born normal we would not have met.

One moment beside him, and our fates were set.

True love had stuck hard and fast and this I know.

We'll stay together, through sun and the snow.

God took many years before His plan was revealed.

A horrible accident, pain and harsh tears.

I looked around one day, my Bible in hand

And realized the others, on Him couldn't stand.

They din't know Jesus, they were all alone!

I couldn't stand that, put some Bibles on "loan".

The others so grateful someone had shared Him.

My future was set and the pain grew quite Dim.

I asked God for others to show them the way.

He said they were busy, or quite far away.

I said I could help if He wanted me to,

He said to me, "Heather! That's why I made you!

I need you to hand out Bibles on the bus.

I need you, with candy, to show them my love

I need you at multiple bus stops to stand,

To smile at the ugly, with Bible in your hand.

When you get mugged, I'll need you to pray.

For the poor dumb kid who stumbled your way

I need to to pray and I need you to care

Because you know this world is cold and unfair.

I knew that no one else could do this job so well.

So I made you for it, like ringing a bell. .

I knew you could go with my love in your heart;

I knew that you'd go even when it's hard.

I know you will care and I know you will love

The pull to go, know that it comes from above.

I'll guide you and show just what you should do.

I need you for this, that's why I made you.

If you were born normal, you'd be in a car.

And not at the bus stop, you'd be quite far.

I couldn't use you if you made lots of cash.

I need you with time and a big Bible stash."

I told him I'd go and I have no regrets.

I scratch my head sometimes, I often forget.

I lose things, my moods change, and yet He's still there

He fills me up, constantly, full of His care.

I hope that one day sometime after I've died.

I'll sit up in heaven, a large table beside.

I'll ask God about it, and He will just grin;

That's for the souls that you helped Me call in.

I'll sit at my table, I'll feast and I'll smile.

The cashiers, bus drivers, and others beside.

We'll laugh and we'll sing and God will kindly say:

Heather, you know why I made you this way

Lets see if that worked.

I don't know what happened to the photos in my last post

 I like my Chromebook but it can be Very weird about scrolling which causes problems accessing my email and such.  

It wouldn't let me view the photos in the last post, I had to publish it first.  And then it wouldn't let me edit.  Annoying.  

So, with explanations: 

My hand cart at the bus stop waiting to go to the venue: 

Me of course, at the bus stop:

This taco truck is good, not greasy.  I didn't want to ride up to my favorite taco truck if it might be closed.  

This one wasn't bad.  Not many places give you sour cream with the food.  

They didn't bat an eye at me.  I like that.  

Handout update!

 Towards the end of the Handout today, a young man ran across the street headed for the bus stop. He got to the median, glanced over at me working, did a double take, and ran over asking for a Bible. I gave him one of course. He got very excited and acted as a cheerleader until his bus came.

He asked me why I do it. "Someone" I told him, pointing up the currently empty street "Is having the worst day of their life." He nodded soberly. "I have" I held up a Bible "The answer." He loved it and got even more enthusiastic yelling at passing cars.

I don't yell at the cars, I wave and blow kisses. Sometimes I hold up a Bible.

It started off pretty quiet, I got out to the bus stop. As I rounded the corner the bus pulled away from the stop and departed. So I sat down.

The next bus arrived (young women drivers both ways today) and I got to the median. I saw there were more men than usual on the "other" side of Antoine. I work the median, in the middle of the street. They work the north side. The south side has the chemical plant and a 20 foot fence topped with barbed wire.

I didn't pay attention to them. They were watching me more than normal but I ignored them. At some point there was some guy screaming I just kept working.

There was a police car parked about half a block up. You would think I'd want it there but I actually didn't, the recipients were seeing it and freaking out, putting up their windows, stubbing things out in the ash tray. Happily he left after a half hour or so and things were more relaxed.

I saw a fire truck. I have a nephew who's a fire man. I waved at them and blew kisses and they blew the horn at me as they passed. I blew kisses at a lot of cars, some of them would honk at me. I got a few approving smiles and one thumbs up from a very sober looking older man in an older car.

I had one couple in a lifted (?) pickup truck. I would hate to pay the gas bill for that thing. I had a lot of couples actually. I had a few young families, kids and presents (a lot of bicycles) stuffed into small cars going to Grandma's.

I didn't see any more police cars but there was a lot of activity across the street. I've been going there over 12 years so I guess I'm part of the scenery. I would have loved to take some photos but I don't dare.

I could smell the taco truck was open so I went over there after I finished. I got a quesadilla. It has some sort of crema that was delicious and also a delicious, incendiary, green sauce. It was not a salsa verde this was up several notches from that. It was a good end to the Handout, which I believe was about an hour and a half. I did about 40 Bibles on the corner.

I gave a couple New Testaments to the Taco truck. I had the small sign on the cart as I came home. No interest on the bus. In fact, the other passengers were giving me a wide berth. I got off the bus and there was a large, stray, dog roaming around. I thought "Oh great and I have food" but some guys came by in a really loud truck blasting rap music and scared it off.

A car pulled me over as I walked home and I gave them 5 Bibles. There was another car stopped behind them with the passenger window down. I told them I was sorry to block traffic and they said "No we want some too" so I did 2 more, then I went home.

That's it! Merry Christmas! Please pray for the recipients!

I'm going to take a nap and open my presents later.

Merry Christmas!

 It was interesting, last night, no music, no karaoke.  A lot of unwrapping the presents, one at a time, at midnight they were pretty loud over that but I was expecting it.  

I went to sleep a couple times during the party (I wasn't there of course) so it wasn't too wild, woke up at 3 with a headache so I took something, back to sleep.  I woke up at one point lying on my back, with Spotty curled up in my arm.  Woke up later and it was Cleo.  Biscuit likes to sleep on top of me.  

I think that's one reason Torbie loved Ron so much.  He didn't move around in bed much.  It was basically Ron flat on his back 24/7 so she could lay on him.  I am happy and feel like I got a good amount of cat cuddles.  

I need to appraise my Bibles and do up what I've got.  The Bibles my sponsor sent didn't arrive in time so I'll use my backup stash for times like this.  I also have some nice Christmas tracts I need to find.  

I need to take my shower and do up the meals for the drivers too.  I got some compleats.  

I got a beef pot roast, and a turkey.  They are shelf stable so they can sit in my basket until I get a ride.  I was going to put them in gift bags, but I don't have any left.  Also I think it's probably a bad idea to bring gift bags where I'm going.  A "thank you" plastic t-shirt bag is better, I can put some paper in there.  

I gave the cats a large can of wet food when I got up, Biscuit was super excited about that.  He was watching me in the kitchen and I held up the can, he came running.  He's a smart boy and knows what things are.  

I need to get going!  

Long time readers are going to have a heart attack over this post

 Today was pretty much exactly what I expected.  I knew it would be crazy and odds were I would not be able to get out to see Buddy and my other driver.  It did work out time wise but we had a severe thunderstorm come through right as I left and I got pretty soaked.  

So there I am in my PJ's at the bus stop soaking wet looking pitiful, I'm sure.  But I gave Buddy a small gift which he loved getting.  And we chatted all the way.  That was very nice.  I did tell him they changed my schedule so I won't see him for a while and he seemed disappointed.  

But I find that funny.  I was not looking my best by any standard.  But maybe that's how it works - men are attracted to initial appearance but it's the heart and spirit that make them stay.  

There is a notorious client on the paratransit service.  Just the mention of her name will make a driver pale, or swear.  She is very, very, difficult.  She is not a good looking woman, obese, facial hair, frumpy.  

One day she was in the vehicle when Ron and I were having coffee, he got picked up to go home.  I came home later on the bus.  She rolled her window down and was doing mean cat calls at me about my weight.  When Ron got in the cab she said "It's a good thing you're blind so you can't see how fat she's gotten!" (I weighed about 220).  

Ron told me later he lost his temper at that and said "I don't care about her body.  I care about her spirit and she has a beautiful spirit that shines".  Dead silence all the way home.  I have worked very hard at cultivating a beautiful spirit.  

And, on that note... on my way home the little black cat found me and followed me, got in front of me a few times, rubbing against my legs for pets.  She is a good weight and has a beautiful coat.  She is someone's pet.  If I had to guess she is someone's "outside" cat - a popular concept here.  You have the "inside" (pampered pet cat) cat and the "outside" (castoff, fed and maybe given a little attention now and then) cat.  She is likely their outside cat as I have seen her out in some pretty bad weather.  She is a lovely little cat but clearly someone's pet.  

Now, if my cats are OK with it I wouldn't mind her using the cat door to come in and get out of the weather now and then.  But that's as far as that will go, she'll have to work it out with my gang.  

She followed me home and was standing in the yard while I held the door open, letting her and Biscuit check each other out.  Biscuit is Senor Gato, alpha cat.  His word is law.  She's got to work it out with him, and Cleo is liable to object as well.  I don't think Spotty will mind.  

Anyway I came in after that and shut the door, used the bathroom, took off my PJ pants (they rode the bus so they get washed), put on a fresh pair.  The doorbell rang.  I opened it.  It was #6.  

I said "I know you're going to have a party tonight, that's OK, I don't have to work tomorrow.  I'll just play my music too".  He gaped at me like I slapped him, shut his mouth, said "Yes I am having a party.  Is it OK if my friends park in your driveway tonight?"  I said sure it was fine.  I said I knew things would go pretty late, and loud, but I was OK with it "Ron's gone and he was the cranky one".  He nodded.  

"I wanted to get you a gift but I didn't have time.  I would like to give you this" and he held something out.  I took it.  (Later examination proved it was cash - equivalent to what I make working one whole day).  I told him to have fun, I'd play my music too.  He left.  The cars came and parked.  It's still quiet next door but not for long, ha ha.  

But that's OK I do have tomorrow off.  And you know what?  I really don't care.  Ron's the one who would freak out whenever anyone made a little noise.  I have found I really don't mind.  I'm glad he has a big family and lots of friends.  

I always find it telling my cats go over the fence to them when they do have a party.  They are clearly feeding my cats.  Bad people don't do that.  And my cats want to go visit.  

Telling.  

Anyway, I think we're good now.  

Very early Christmas Eve

 I slept pretty well (I woke up a few times but that's standard).  I got up and started making the brownies I wanted to do last night.  I got 3, six by four, pans out of it.  There's something going on with my oven I haven't looked into that.  

Ron didn't want me using the oven, ever, it has been so long maybe I just forgot how to turn it on?  I don't know, it's very embarrassing to share that.  But the toaster oven works fine and I even have a clean toothpick.  

I think they'll be good, I got the store brand mix, the #1 ingredient is sugar.  It has a nice cocoa smell too.  I've written enough about cooking you probably realize I like to make my own additions and modifications to the recipe.  The last time I made brownies (I would make them for Ron's Metrolift drivers), I'd add caramel chips and chocolate chips to the batter.  That's what I did this time, 3/4 cup each. 

Chocolate is a migraine trigger and the box had dire warnings about allergies so I couldn't eat it even if I wanted.  I didn't look at the baking chips but I'm sure they're just as bad.  

Biscuit didn't sleep with me last night, he hung out on the insulated tote bag.  He loves that thing.  My hands are itching.  Allergy warning, indeed!  

I have Benadryl if I need it but I need to get an epi-pen.  

I think today will be crazy, but fun, all my favorite people, day and night, working together.  They don't generally mix.  

I think the store really dropped the ball this year.  Last year they had free energy drinks (about equivalent to a can of Mountain Dew) in the breakroom on Black Friday.  They got a lot of work out of us, doing that.  I even mentioned it to a "coach" (high tier manager) this year and nothing.  They lost a lot of productivity.  

Smart management would have pizza and some kind of sugar for us in the breakroom today but I don't think they're going to consider it.  

The rides should be pretty quiet.  Yesterday there was some guy in a uniform making a big deal about letting the driver and I know he had to work Christmas and would the buses run?  We kept telling him yes.  I didn't feel sorry for him, he took the job.  The driver has worked many holidays and so have I.     

Spotty is yelling at me for breakfast.  He just came in from outside.  

My neighbor will likely have the big "Buena Noche" Christmas Eve party.  I don't really care about that.  Not like Ron did and he was one to talk, his family had very rowdy, drunken, parties back in the day.  2001 was pretty remarkable.  Ron got so drunk he couldn't walk, his brother had to drag him up three flights of stairs, Ron's brother in law (a very nice man) passed out and they called 911, his nephew threw up on the new carpet.  

Ron's brother was horrified I was just going to leave Ron at the base of the stairs, take his wallet and keys, cover him with a blanket.  How was I going to get a 200+ pound man up three flights of stairs?  (no elevator).  I don't know how the brother did it actually.  

One notable moment from the party, Ron was talking about death and he said it wasn't always a bad thing if someone was suffering.  His mother didn't want to hear it, she was a devout Catholic and felt she had a lot of sins (Ron's brother looks nothing like the rest of the family, and my father in law told me one day he caught a man climbing out of the bedroom window when he came home early).  Ron was pretty upset.  He was crying on the back porch.  I went out to sit with him.  He told me I was the only one who understood him, who knew what he wanted, and to please always remember that.  I hung onto that after the accident.  

Ron basically lost big chunks of the couple years before his accident.  Including that incident.  He said it sounded like him but he didn't remember it, much of 2001-2003.  

Anyway, it's Christmas Eve.  Working retail.  Riding the bus, and tomorrow I have a Bible Handout.  

That's it for now!  

Monday night

 Work was crazy.  The only thing I can figure my boss had to let the new girl hang herself.  One of those "you didn't pick her" hires.  She hasn't been pulling her weight.  

I got out of there.  The buses were running late.  I did not tell Buddy when I saw him but the other bus came first, I could have ridden it.  But 1.  It was packed and 2.  I figured Buddy was coming.  So I waited, the bus was mostly empty, we could talk a little.  

He has been talking about food places.  We do that, where's a good place to eat, what's your favorite meal.  He was talking me into "One of those greasy quesadillas after you do the Bible Handout" which does have appeal.  He was also telling me about a little food truck not far from my home (he doesn't know where I live) not on a bus line.  

Is he working up to asking me out?  I don't know.  I have figured out he is the kind of man who wants to set the pace.  I think his problem is he's very good looking (for real), and very easygoing so he has to say no a lot, to women.  

But I'm not sorry I gave him my number. I got home on time, but am very tired, I am going to bed.  Hopefully I will wake up early.  

Monday morning

 It will be an interesting day.  I made it to work OK.  My second driver told me the new drivers don't start until late January.  

I am going to try to go to lunch earlier.  I am sick of the weird guy bothering me and trying to force me to watch "funny" videos   - people and animals being hurt as he laughs uproariously.  I have told him, repeatedly, I don't want to watch it. Last time I put my hand over the phone.  He got very angry but I don't care.  Easier just to take my lunch early.  He also complains a lot about the bus service.  

If someone ever snaps and shoots the place up my money is on him.  

Now on to more cheerful thoughts: I made some dump cake and brought that.  I also brought some of the granola bars everyone likes.  We will see what they think.  

I am very careful discussing family now

 Since the pest made some veiled threats about them.  

I will say my aunt came to town, we had a good time, a good meal and some holiday shopping.  I found something delicious to take on the Handout (I'm always out there with the munchies, holding my sign, a couple cases of Bibles at my feet, kicking myself I did not bring snacks).  

She liked her gift, I can put up a link.  Magical hand cream for less than $5, also some candles.  She has different migraine triggers, for me it is food, hormones, environment in pretty much that order.  For her it is scent and environment.  So it was a gamble giving her scented candles.  She said one would work but one wouldn't, and she would find it a good home.  The hand cream (it's more intensive than a lotion) is unscented, happily, and not very common.  

We did go by a grocery store, it was insane of course.  The chicken section was completely wiped out but I did find some thin little skillet steaks (beef) and some "wafer thin" pork chops.  That will make a wonderful holiday meal.  

I also got some Christmas cards to put in the Bibles which I think will be lovely.  My aunt loved the idea.  It is nice to get support on the Handouts, a lot of my evangelism working life it's been me out there on my own.  Sometimes literally just me on a corner.  

I don't need people telling me I'm wonderful; but I do like to spitball ideas sometimes and it's good to get feedback.  I can't do comments anymore.  So I love talking to people who are also excited about outreach.  Which is, no one at work.  

Someone is coming into work and leaving tracts.  It's not me, I was asked about it.  I said no, honestly, but I'd love to meet them and they were happy with the answer.  They know I restrict my evangelism to outside the store.  It's kind of like the old sign above the church exit doors "You are now entering the mission field".  But it would be fun to meet the evangelist and chat a little.  

I did meet one guy who was handing out gospel newsletters.  He was about 70 years old, married 40 years, couldn't understand the concept that some times are not the right time to share the Gospel.  I haven't seen him in a year or two.  There was an older Black lady leaving tracts with a heart, in other customer's shopping carts, I saw her at it one day.  She was very shy about it so I didn't say anything.  I thought it was very brave and very sweet.  There was a guy on the bus one day, he was neurodivergent in some way, he got on, wearing a "COVID" type mask, a hoodie pulled up, I could tell it was a white man but that's about it.  He went around handing out different tracts to everyone.  I had my candy with me so I accepted the tract, smiled, and gave him the candy (with a tract) he said thank you and left.  I never saw him again.  One time Ron and I were doing a Handout in Acres Homes, at my usual spot.  Buses pass up and down the street, a bus left the corner and a guy came running up to us with a ton of questions, which we answered.  He just thought we were the coolest thing ever and took a  photo which he then sent me on Facebook.  

I actually have this photo blown up on canvas hanging by my front door.  God will tell the guy that one day.  It's my favorite photo of us, one of our good times.  

So I remain hopeful, but I just don't meet evangelists.  We are pretty uncommon.  For one not many Americans are born again Christians.  Of them only a small percentage believe in evangelism.  They will go to a sermon about it, throw some money in the collection box to "save the lost" and go home.  But actually go out there?  Have a tract in the house?  

One of my regrets (evangelically) is that I didn't make up more candy bags with tracts, and hand them out to toll booth workers back when we had them.  I went through the toll booth in many cars over the years but a lot of times I didn't think to do it, didn't have the supplies, or the driver didn't want to do it.  The last one I couldn't help.  But when I could I did and the worker was always happy to get that.  If I remarry I want someone who will think of things like that.  

And you have to do it for the right reasons, people are always asking me why?  For me, I have had a lot of pain in my life, people letting me down.  God has always been there for me and I have clung to Him many, many, times.  But there are people going through pain just as bad; worse, even.  And they don't have Him.  Not yet.  That's where I come in, I make the introduction, generally move out of their life (but always praying), and God sends them someone else to help in the journey.  

One day I was doing a Bible Handout.  This woman walked over to me, a middle aged Black lady.  She stood on the sidewalk watching me work the median (our streets here generally have a raised area with grass in between the lanes, it is several feet wide and can easily be 100 feet long, that's where I work).  I was holding the sign you see above, most likely, running up and down seeing if anyone wanted a Bible, handing them out as requested.  I don't take donations but between us I do take snacks.  She just stood there watching me for minutes.  I waved at her and smiled a few times and she walked over.  

I offered her a Bible.  "You already gave me one" she said.  "You were doing this a couple months ago and you gave my friend one, she asked for one for me and you gave it to her".  I probably also told her I'd be praying.  I hope I did.  "She told me about you but I didn't believe anyone would do this until just now.  It was you, wasn't it?"  I told her that, as far as I know, I'm the only one doing this.  

[Side note, since then a local Baptist Church apparently spotted me working one day and adapted the idea.  They dress up for their Bible Handouts, set up shop in retail parking lots like Target and Walmart, have a nice standing sign, very nice KJV Bibles wrapped in plastic.  I do more the ghetto circus I guess you'd call it, me in the loud orange t shirt and the battered, laminated, poster board sign, in the bad neighborhood where they tried to carjack one of my bus drivers).  

She just stood there and watched me for a while, when I turned around she was gone.  I don't know what image she had in her head.   I hope she opened the Bible.  

Like I said, I just make an introduction.  

Saturday night at my house

 I forgot to mention Google let me know Ron's neurologist found my review and gave it a heart emoji.  I'm glad he knows; I know for a fact Doc listened to his voicemails personally every morning before seeing his patients.  A day or two after Ron died I left a message for the Doc letting him know Ron was gone and how much I had appreciated the care he had given us, how it had been such a burden lifted that we got the seizures under control.  

Between us every regular doctor would freak at the word "seizures".  Doc was very matter of fact.  I remember him telling me Ron was at a very low dose on the Keppra and, at some point, he would have another seizure, that, when it happened, I was not to worry, just call and we would adjust the dose upward.  He was very matter of fact about it and said that during a couple of visits.  It was just what I needed to hear; every other doctor had hysterics at the word.  

I wish him nothing but the best.  He does not have a good overall rating on Google, which is criminal.  He's an excellent doctor and I would see him myself if I needed a neurologist.  

That is one of the nice things about living in Houston, we have all the great specialist doctors close at hand.  I have always lived near a big city - from minutes to an hour away.  

My aunt is picking me up early tomorrow.  I need to go to bed!  

I hope you enjoyed seeing me with my boys.  

Orange sugar video!

 Also me in my black cat orange nightgown!  When it hit the racks I liked it so much I bought it at full price.  

If you look behind me a few seconds after the video starts you'll see Biscuit walk by.  

Saturday dinner

 I have been battling a bad headache all day.  I hardly ate anything I just wasn't hungry.  I am glad my aunt didn't come by today.  

I did manage to pick up and clean the bathroom, get some laundry going.  

I am curious to see how it ends with Buddy.  Does the boss have me work late Monday and Tuesday?  If so, I won't see him again.  If I get off on time, and he's driving, I'll see him.  

I will miss knowing I'll see him at the end of the day.  I'm all 5 love languages but my primary 2 are quality time and gifts.  It was nice just sitting there watching him drive.  Very soothing for some reason.  

I'm going to lay down for a little bit before I call my Dad.  

They have a very active social life so I just texted them to call when ready if they could.  

Cleo was very sweet licking my face, standing on me as I talked to her and pet her in bed.  That's one reason I don't want to wear a lot of lotion or makeup.  She licks me a lot.  

I had a look in the fridge.  I got some rotini pasta, boiled that, threw it in a bowl with a little butter and some fire roasted salsa I bought in a can at work (surprisingly good).  A little shredded cheese and some frozen mixed vegetables (the usual mix) heated up.  It's delicious. 

I'm just not the person to make the same thing every time.  Ron hated that.  

I'm going to go eat this.  

I feel the generation gap

 I met Buddy last year on the Crazy Train route (the one that departs work, when I get off).  He did that until the end of the year, bid to come back, lost the bid.  I figured I would never see him again.  I was delighted when he came back about the same time as my assault.  

I made some choices and gave him my number.  But I am older (I think about 15 years or so), he isn't interested.  That's OK I won't lie in bed at night wondering what if I'd given him my number.  

I am active online, to the point I spend an extra $40 a month for my isp because I feel they are more reliable.  

Anyway one of my groups I have seen young (early 20's) kids talk about calling into work because they "can't".  "I have anxiety today I can't do it".  

Today I said I think that's the difference with people who pay all the bills themselves vs. people who do not.  Someone like me I have to go to work.  If I don't work I'm homeless.  

If Katniss calls in sick her Mom and Dad will pay the cell phone bill, or her boyfriend.  What difference does it make?  

I also pointed out that when retail workers call in sick someone else has to cover.  I don't want to put that weight on someone I like (and I like all my coworkers).  

Gen X on up we fell down Mom and Dad would say "get up it's not that bad".  They would examine it, tell us to go play, and we would.  Ron fell off a ladder, on his head, as a child.  He said he just laid there, stunned.  His brother told him to get up and walk around.  He could.  He was "fine".  Now that's a little much but you get the idea.  

I think younger generations they fell down and their caregivers treated it as a major life crisis.  Now that said, Mom had a rule if we did have to go to the hospital we would get ice cream (at the shop!).  And I did when it was my turn to fall off my bike.  When my younger brother hurt himself I provided first aid so Mom brought me ice cream from the shop when she brought him back from the hospital.  But then it was back to life.  

If kids are slamming back 5 Monsters a day and complaining about anxiety they need to examine that.  Especially if it is leading them to call in sick on a holiday weekend.  I think it was more a case of "I don't want to work it".  

And I get that.  I've been there.  

But I'm counting on a full paycheck.  

I want to take some time to go see my aunt and uncle once things settle at work.  I will need PTO to cover that.  So I'm saving it.