Wednesday

 My aunt wanted some doctor information and I didn't have the dates... so I did a search on "doctor" in the blog.  Big mistake a lot of matches.  So I went by month and scrolled until I found the dates.  

I didn't sleep great but I slept enough.  Got up.  Depressed.  Did my God time, got my grocery delivery.  Looked up my Amazon order, I accidentally shipped my compression socks to my parents.  Oops.  I ordered another set which will get here Friday.  I called Mom and she said she will send mine back to me.  Hope I like them!  I took a short nap with Cleo, who laid all stretched out in my bed like a "real" cat and not a fabulous former feral.  I even had Spotty walking around on my chest and meowing at me.  

I heard the mosquito truck the other day and sure enough they are much better.  So I could sit outside in the fresh air for a while.  I think it is important to get some sun and fresh air every day if I can.  I checked my schedule, I have two nine hour days and then two four hour days.  I work Sunday, the 3 month anniversary of Ron's death, but not long.  Just long enough to hopefully keep me from feeling sorry for myself.  My aunt is filling out the life insurance paperwork, it looks promising.  About the only reason they wouldn't pay is if he had committed suicide in the first 2 years.  And we're 17 years into the policy.  So we will see.  

I will be glad when that is all settled because I do worry.  Who wouldn't?  The prospect of possibly losing my house is huge, especially on top of everything else.  I will say it is amusing a lot of companies tried to draft me to work in the insurance field as I think I would have some pretty compelling arguments for it especially now.  But you really need to drive for that sort of thing and there is a process to become an insurance agent.  

I tried my collagen shake it is not bad with a little vanilla whey.  More protein can only help with hair growth.  Will definitely help my immune system and musculoskeletal system.  So I will be doing that as long as I can afford it.  

I can afford protein powders as I am not eating much outside of a serving or two a day.  I am not losing weight and frankly not looking to lose weight as then I have to buy new pants.  Years ago I read a low carb diet book "The Secret to Low Carb Success" sadly not available in Kindle.  But she said you won't "apparently" lose the last 2 weeks of your cycle, but once you start it will come off, those first 2 weeks of your cycle are dynamite for weight loss.  So it is possible I will see a "gush" of weight loss when I start in a few days.  I will see.  I do think I have some smaller jeans out in the garage.  The belt is a huge pain in the ass, to be honest.  I urinate several times a day and it is a big hassle to unfasten and then refasten the belt.  We will see.  

Biscuit is doing well he just had a nice stretch.  I got them another bag of food, they go through about 7 pounds (one bag) of Iams Urinary formula a week.  So each cat eats a little over a pound of dry cat food a week.  They are always happy to eat it and cry for more every morning so that's good.  

Tomorrow I may get them some turkey shreds.  They all like that.  I feed it very occasionally as Biscuit really has to have a strict diet.  But I do like to give them a treat on occasion.  God knows I would get very sick eating the same food nonstop.  

I also got some soy milk for me.  I figure any protein is good right about now.  I also need to figure out lunch for tomorrow.  I am feeling lazy so I will likely make some PB&J and have that.  Maybe with some carrot juice.  

I just looked in the garage, 5 pair of long jeans (what I need for work) in a size 22.  I also found my workout clothes and long underwear, I had thought those had been lost by the movers.  So I "can" lose weight 5 pair are more than enough.  

It is hard for me as I have a short inseam (28) and a big middle.  So it has to be a women's size and a petite inseam, not always easy to find.  I have been a 24 but with my murdered appetite I expect I will lose some before long.  I generally only have one type to choose from and it comes in a dark blue or a black.  I don't like light washes in my jeans, cute if you are a size 3 but I am not!  

I will say I was a size 7 as a teenager.  Ron always said he was "King Midas" and made me fat when we ran off together.  But I blame my education we were not taught healthy eating habits at all.  

I notice I am not eating emotionally since he died.  I don't say 'Oh I'm so sad I'm going to go binge on a tub of cheesecake filling (which I actually have)."  No, when I eat that I have a few spoonfuls and put it back.   Someone told me I probably don't realize how much stress I had with him alive.  

He was profoundly disabled and needed help with everything.  I worried constantly I would not be able to provide what he needed, or I would screw up and he would get hurt or die.  He drank constantly.  He wouldn't take most of his prescriptions.  He was "sundowning" at the end, getting very rowdy and disruptive every night.  He was falling out of bed; yet refusing bed rails.  He wouldn't let me bathe him very often and then only his armpits and privates.  Plus I had the weight of managing the business on top of that, always, constantly, wondering what I would come home to when I opened the door or if he was going to have another seizure.  This is just the stuff I feel comfortable talking about.  

I will say I had no problem throwing out all the urinals the day he died.  I was SICK of them.  So in a sense that's a load off of me.  But I have other burdens now, keeping my job, wondering about the house, etc.  Will the cats remain healthy?  That sort of thing.  Will I have a problem going or coming from work?  Who knows.  

I am trying to focus on my faith walk every day.  This morning it all seemed overwhelming so I broke it into portions and did one of those, took a break, did the next, etc.  That worked pretty well.  

And speaking of work I really do need to get the house mopped.  I'm going to do that.