A couple days at once

 Finally done with work for a few days.  Not much to say about work but my supervisor said she will ask for more hours for me.  That's a good thing as right now I have a negative cash flow.  

Transportation has been working well in spite of some hitches, like the guy smoking/dealing pot at the transit center (he was harmless as far as I'm concerned).  Some homeless ride the one bus as there is a center on the route that provides laundry/shower services etc.  I don't bother you, you don't bother me.  I don't "notice" people who might be trouble makers and it seems to work.  And you can't beat 60 cents to work.  

I have had some really good transfers recently which is very nice, and getting more confident about crossing the one very busy street near my home.  I venture I am up to about 2/3 of the confidence level I had on crossing streets before Ron's accident.  

So I have 3 days off.  I plan to enjoy them.  Tomorrow will be "work" house cleaning, laundry, and getting a grocery delivery.  It is so much cheaper to buy stuff online and then take that to work for my meals vs. buying the meal at the store.  I can see why the brown baggers at work did that.  We had some thunderstorms this afternoon (not on my way home from work) so I didn't do any laundry.  It is very bad for the new washers to lose power in the middle of the cycle so I don't want to take a chance.  

I opened the freezer looking for dinner and was happy to find some slices of frozen cooked pizza.  All I had to do was heat it up.  So I did that.  

I talked to "everyone" (aunt, parents) so that's done too.  Part of me wants to worry about work, various things, but that won't do any good so I won't.  And a couple weeks ago I utterly ruined a couple days off sitting around and worrying about something that didn't come to pass.  I don't intend to do that again.  

And here I am up at 1 AM.  I'm going to try to go back to bed.  Did that.  

Up again and depressed.  Did get the laundry started.  Waiting on the grocery delivery.  Did a little reading on pulmonary embolism which I think is what got Ron.  But nothing from the ME yet so who knows.  

I am glad, and I literally thank God for this, that he went so quick and peaceful.  He did not (to me) have a long drawn out death.  He was crippled but not terminal right up until when he died.  And he had a very peaceful expression.  

Sometimes I do think I should have taken a picture.  But I kept thinking how I didn't like to see photos of deceased loved ones in the care giver group.  He wanted to die quick, he wanted to die at home.  He did not want a hospital; and he didn't.  So he would be pleased with his death.  

Of course I got left behind but I don't blame him, he was DONE living.  He was in such pain and so debilitated, and I am sure Dad is sick of me telling him how there's no way I could have cared for Ron and worked.  I was angry the night Ron died because I had been left, but I don't blame him now.  

I figured he could go another 10 years or so and I was wrong.  He didn't talk a lot about the pain unless it was overwhelming but it was always a factor for him.  Plus he couldn't use the toilet, bathe himself, even eat half the foods he liked without me feeding him (I was always happy to do that).  About the only thing he could do is drink, and considering his life, I couldn't blame him.  

But my hands are clean, I did everything I could for him.  And I will get through missing him.  I think I will always worry about work because I don't have a backup social security check like Ron had.  

I have thought about applying for disability but I am able to work right now so I don't think it would be right.  Yes, I am limited but I have made over a thousand dollars total working for Walmart on my own.  I think SS would look at that and send me a denial letter.  Yes, I am limited in some ways but not excessively.  

I used to have a lot of pride; then Ron died.  I had to go begging.  So I won't say I have a lot of pride to refuse a "handout" but I just don't think they would consider me.  I am physically able to do any job a 40 year old woman can do, excepting driving.  But plenty of "normal" women with that limitation as well.  Half the city of New York doesn't have a car.  

For a long time I thought pride was a good thing, that it made me "strong".  But it is an affront to God (I am talking about pride in general not the whole gay thing which I won't get into - I am an evangelical Christian my view should be pretty clear).  It took me a very long time to get that.  But I am working on being more humble.  You can decide for yourself.  

Torbie is on the chair I use for God Time so that will have to wait a while.  Biscuit is on the couch, it's raining outside but not much so I took a chance doing the laundry.  It is more a drizzle with no thunder as opposed to last night which had many lightning strikes and thunder claps.  Not something I wanted!  I didn't sleep well last night but I hope to get a nap today.  We will see.  

My groceries are due sometime in the next hour.  I ordered some things, like those cheese crackers, that I can take to work for my lunch.  I found out a "big name" vending company stocks the machines at work and has a reputation for poor service.  So I will just assume we don't have any vending machines.  Cheese & crackers, sandwiches, small portable containers for food, etc. will do the job for me.  That should all come today at some point.  

Tomorrow is more fun out with my aunt.  That's it for now, probably do another blog later.