Tuesday and some of Wednesday

 I got the card!  Thank you VERY much!  

I slept OK just depressed today.  Weather didn't help, overcast, some rain.  But not too wet.  

My aunt came and we ran some errands, went to the bank, bought some stuff at the "other" Walmart (not my store), etc.  Checked the mail.  Got the card!  Went out to lunch.  She said my legs look better (I was wearing shorts) more definition.  I chalk that up to walking a lot for public transit + eating better.  It was very familial not pervy.  

Cats are good.  She came back to the house with me and saw Spotty (I think she liked him), Baby Girl and Torbie.  The other two stayed hidden but came out pretty quickly once she left.  We had a good visit.  

I had formerly had a high view of my mortgage company; but they are being difficult about "accepting" the payoff.  Now the insurance company is awesome and once this is all settled I will put up a link!  They did great, sent a few forms and they cut a check just like that.  At least that's the way my aunt tells it, I venture it was a  TAD more difficult.  

She is a really good advocate to navigate all the paperwork, endless phone calls, etc.  Really glad she loves me and willing to help!  And yes she does read on occasion but I have no problem with her reading any of that; it's all true.  

Good to have an ally; hard to find them in this world.  

So I got some more candy to hand out, I was happy about that.  Had a good meal; took my pills when I got home and was fine (I take them with the big meal of the day and a malt and small burger were it).  I didn't even finish the malt.  

Ron's death really changed my eating habits.  Cravings are pretty much non existent, unless I have been outside for some time and I start craving salt.  But I can just put a pinch of salt in some water and handle that.  

My aunt sort of implied I had a big load on my back with Ron alive, drinking, being so dependent.  All true but I tend to minimize the impact and believe it was not that bad.  Probably a defense mechanism.  We'll see how I change over the next year or two.   But things were pretty awful.  I love strongly and everything still couldn't beat that love back - but I did take a lot of arrows.  

That's one reason I am thinking to just "turn it off" and go with agape (love for everyone in a brotherly way) vs. romantic love.  Just stop - no dating, no romance, no worries about stalker guys, etc.  I have some family, I have my cats, I have God, I have some good friends.  That is more than enough.  It has been plenty since Ron died I can't see that changing.  

I mentioned this to my aunt and she said she feels it is a very wise idea to wear my wedding ring, that will deflect any attention.  And I will wear a wedding ring until I'm dead or get raptured because I just don't need THE DRAMA of dating/relationships.  I am terrified I would pick someone else with damage who might have an addiction, verbal abuse issues, etc. I would try to be careful but maybe my love map link is just messed up.  And I don't have time, money, or transportation for the kind of therapy I'd need; the blog is it for me.  And I think I have done OK so far.  

My ring is getting a little looser as I lose weight so I plan to get a ring sizer from Amazon and get a new ring or two (I like the cheap titanium ones, they do some very pretty work with them).  The rings run about $10-20 each so I can play with them.  I think as long as I am wearing A wedding ring (I prefer the wide bands so very easy to spot from a distance but also not an item of value to a bad guy) I will be OK.  I would absolutely love something in rose gold but that would get stolen so quick or create envy at work, can't do that.  I will stick with titanium or tungsten (I am wearing a tungsten ring right now). 

Next day, I weighed myself and down another 5 pounds.  That is really good as my fertile time is about at an end (starting to skip cycles) and menopause is horrible for weight gain I hear.  Like I said, my eating habits are completely different now.  

I am toying with the idea of cheating on my grocery delivery.  Last time they forgot some items and it took me a couple of calls to get through to someone who could do a refund on the items.  I am playing with the idea of going with another company, maybe one with a better reputation for quality and customer service.  Not making any final calls yet but I will think about it.  But then I think overall these guys bring nearly everything I order and they DID issue the refund.  But on the other side they are no longer bringing the 40 pound cases of cat litter which is a problem.  Maybe no one does that, I will have to look.  

I know Chewy delivers 40 pound cases of cat litter, including one in lavender which would be nice.  I will need to look at those reviews though.  

That's it for now, early Wed now so I will be posting later.   

A couple days at once

 Finally done with work for a few days.  Not much to say about work but my supervisor said she will ask for more hours for me.  That's a good thing as right now I have a negative cash flow.  

Transportation has been working well in spite of some hitches, like the guy smoking/dealing pot at the transit center (he was harmless as far as I'm concerned).  Some homeless ride the one bus as there is a center on the route that provides laundry/shower services etc.  I don't bother you, you don't bother me.  I don't "notice" people who might be trouble makers and it seems to work.  And you can't beat 60 cents to work.  

I have had some really good transfers recently which is very nice, and getting more confident about crossing the one very busy street near my home.  I venture I am up to about 2/3 of the confidence level I had on crossing streets before Ron's accident.  

So I have 3 days off.  I plan to enjoy them.  Tomorrow will be "work" house cleaning, laundry, and getting a grocery delivery.  It is so much cheaper to buy stuff online and then take that to work for my meals vs. buying the meal at the store.  I can see why the brown baggers at work did that.  We had some thunderstorms this afternoon (not on my way home from work) so I didn't do any laundry.  It is very bad for the new washers to lose power in the middle of the cycle so I don't want to take a chance.  

I opened the freezer looking for dinner and was happy to find some slices of frozen cooked pizza.  All I had to do was heat it up.  So I did that.  

I talked to "everyone" (aunt, parents) so that's done too.  Part of me wants to worry about work, various things, but that won't do any good so I won't.  And a couple weeks ago I utterly ruined a couple days off sitting around and worrying about something that didn't come to pass.  I don't intend to do that again.  

And here I am up at 1 AM.  I'm going to try to go back to bed.  Did that.  

Up again and depressed.  Did get the laundry started.  Waiting on the grocery delivery.  Did a little reading on pulmonary embolism which I think is what got Ron.  But nothing from the ME yet so who knows.  

I am glad, and I literally thank God for this, that he went so quick and peaceful.  He did not (to me) have a long drawn out death.  He was crippled but not terminal right up until when he died.  And he had a very peaceful expression.  

Sometimes I do think I should have taken a picture.  But I kept thinking how I didn't like to see photos of deceased loved ones in the care giver group.  He wanted to die quick, he wanted to die at home.  He did not want a hospital; and he didn't.  So he would be pleased with his death.  

Of course I got left behind but I don't blame him, he was DONE living.  He was in such pain and so debilitated, and I am sure Dad is sick of me telling him how there's no way I could have cared for Ron and worked.  I was angry the night Ron died because I had been left, but I don't blame him now.  

I figured he could go another 10 years or so and I was wrong.  He didn't talk a lot about the pain unless it was overwhelming but it was always a factor for him.  Plus he couldn't use the toilet, bathe himself, even eat half the foods he liked without me feeding him (I was always happy to do that).  About the only thing he could do is drink, and considering his life, I couldn't blame him.  

But my hands are clean, I did everything I could for him.  And I will get through missing him.  I think I will always worry about work because I don't have a backup social security check like Ron had.  

I have thought about applying for disability but I am able to work right now so I don't think it would be right.  Yes, I am limited but I have made over a thousand dollars total working for Walmart on my own.  I think SS would look at that and send me a denial letter.  Yes, I am limited in some ways but not excessively.  

I used to have a lot of pride; then Ron died.  I had to go begging.  So I won't say I have a lot of pride to refuse a "handout" but I just don't think they would consider me.  I am physically able to do any job a 40 year old woman can do, excepting driving.  But plenty of "normal" women with that limitation as well.  Half the city of New York doesn't have a car.  

For a long time I thought pride was a good thing, that it made me "strong".  But it is an affront to God (I am talking about pride in general not the whole gay thing which I won't get into - I am an evangelical Christian my view should be pretty clear).  It took me a very long time to get that.  But I am working on being more humble.  You can decide for yourself.  

Torbie is on the chair I use for God Time so that will have to wait a while.  Biscuit is on the couch, it's raining outside but not much so I took a chance doing the laundry.  It is more a drizzle with no thunder as opposed to last night which had many lightning strikes and thunder claps.  Not something I wanted!  I didn't sleep well last night but I hope to get a nap today.  We will see.  

My groceries are due sometime in the next hour.  I ordered some things, like those cheese crackers, that I can take to work for my lunch.  I found out a "big name" vending company stocks the machines at work and has a reputation for poor service.  So I will just assume we don't have any vending machines.  Cheese & crackers, sandwiches, small portable containers for food, etc. will do the job for me.  That should all come today at some point.  

Tomorrow is more fun out with my aunt.  That's it for now, probably do another blog later.  

Not sorry I didn't crunch the numbers until now.

 When I have told people the house is paid off they assume that means I don't have big expenses.  Not quite.  I still have to pay taxes and insurance, I am estimating at least $500 a month.  Water/gas/electric is about $250.  Internet is $80.  You get the idea.  Currently I am working about 22 hours a week at $11 an hour so you can see the problem.  

Not asking for money - this is going to be an opportunity for God.  I figure one of a couple things will happen: Increase my hours, offer me a new job, etc.  It would have been nice, though, to actually get something I could live on but maybe this is not permanent and God has something better?  I have plenty of applications out to other places.  And I do still have some savings left.  

So that is on my plate but the God who took care of all my needs after Ron died will certainly have my back on this.  

I went to bed early last night.  I use an old cell phone for a noisemaker and alarm clock.  It is very effective.  The noisemaker has a timer how long it has been going, when I got up this morning it said seven and a half hours.  The last time I went back to bed after waking up like that I was GROGGY all day so I am thinking to stay up.  If I do go back to bed my alarm will still go off at 6.  

I got paid (not much as they had cut my hours) so that is in my account.  I was right I got paid today.  My hair looks nice so I may not wash it today, it doesn't look greasy at all.  It helps I spent pretty much all day yesterday in the air conditioning and not out at the bus stop sweating in the heat.  Although my hair always looks fine at work.  I do put it up with a clip because I find that cooler and less likely to get caught in something.  I have a couple work related bruises as it is, I just ran into a couple of things over a few days so I am pretty spectacular.  I don't want to get my hair caught in something.  I don't blame work for that it is just bad luck.  

I think I am going to try going back to sleep.  I had a headache when I got up but the aspirin has done a good job on that.  Sometimes plain aspirin works very well.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday

 I went to sleep OK and had a good time at it until about 1?  AM when Spotty came back from an outdoor adventure, with a cicada.  It was making a lot of racket and injured enough it couldn't fly/escape.  I tried to go back to sleep but if you know these bugs they make a lot of noise.  So I had to get up, catch it (!) pin it in the dustpan with my little handbroom, and throw it out the front door, all the while praying Spotty did not bring it back.  AGH.  Then go back to bed.  

Then I had to get up pretty early to get my grocery delivery.  Now it would be really dumb to say much about my employer but I will say getting the delivery on a weekday morning has been working very well for me.  I was emailed "Stephanie" would be bringing my stuff, instead it was a big guy in a pickup.  I didn't care, I had my groceries.  He got a kick out of the bear (I propped the front door to take stuff in the house).  

I did my God Time doing the intercessory prayer and Bible study.  I took my shower before I got my delivery.  I didn't shave my legs and the man didn't scream and run either.  I took a nap for about an hour so that helped a lot.  

So I am pretty content with the day.  Spent some time on the computer as well.  Oh, and for prime day I got some cloth masks from Old Navy as I like their cloth masks.  I got 15 total for about $17 with shipping, seemed like a good deal.  Now I am set for a long while.  I do like wearing a mask at work as you never know what is going to walk in the door and it also helps conceal expressions.  I have a talkative face.  That is not a good thing.  

I did the clothes laundry last night, I also have some bedding that is washed and waiting to dry when the clothes finish, and that is it for laundry.  Biscuit (?) got sick in my bed yesterday.  I have 2 sets of sheets so I am set for times like that.  It would have been awful to have to wash and dry the bedding before I went to bed.  And the sheets I have on the bed now are 100% cotton and very nice, Ron bought them for me back in 2016.  

I think I get paid tomorrow, we will see.  I didn't go crazy on the groceries, but I did get some more collagen.  It is good for joints and growing hair so that sounds good, my nails have been good taking it so I find that promising.  I still have some work on my hair as you can see from the videos but I hope to fill out the top some.  If I can, I will.  

I am not going to lose sleep over it though as virtually every middle aged woman I see (exception: my aunt) has some thinning hair on the top.  It is very common.  And I am taking what I feel to be an appropriate amount of vitamins as well.  

Speaking of I need to do up more in a few days.  I do them 3 weeks at a time.  Makes life a lot easier after a hard day at work just swallow a handful out of my pills of the week vs. fumbling around with all the bottles.  

Oh and I didn't tell you about the delicious pulled pork I had for dinner last night.  Lloyd's brand, it comes frozen and you warm it up.  It is in a BBQ sauce but most of it is meat.  No gristle or fat chunks.  Very tasty.  I will have some for dinner tonight.  I had it delivered from Walmart.  

A Uber eats or pretty much any delivered meal is going to be $25-35.  It is a lot more affordable to get a frozen meal delivered for a few dollars, from the grocery store and eat that.  I have a lot of pot pies for instance (I like beef, and turkey).  Tomorrow when running errands I have another plan as well.  

The Arby's is drive through only and I love Arby's.  So I will drive through with my aunt and buy 4-5 sandwiches.  Freeze a couple, keep a couple in the fridge.  Ron found they freeze well.  I have 2 gift cards so I can do this.  Then that is 4 dinners.  

I am down some weight and I can see it in my midsection so I am pleased.  If I had to have such an awful year at least I can lose some weight out of it.   

I can say this now, the first time I lost weight Ron was very excited for me.  Then I gained it back and every time after that he was cynical, at best, regarding weight loss.  So at least I don't have him doom saying me.  It was very discouraging to hear the negative talk.  

He had gotten a lot better about the negativity at the end.  He would yell at God, tell God he was tired and "come down and fight" etc. type stuff.  But that was directed at God.  Ron had stopped with the "pointing" his anger and frustration at me the last year or two.  I had been pretty vocal about not liking it and said that was a deal breaker.  I didn't have many deal breakers but that was one.  

Some may find it hard to believe I did have boundaries but I had some.  And I was pretty vehement in protecting them.  Another one was "letting" me sleep at night, I didn't get that at all the last week which I think was God's way of showing me it was time to take Ron.  That I had come to the end of my road with him.  If things had been perfect with him walking around the house, not drinking, quiet at night I would have had a much harder time losing him, I think.  But I am not a therapist.  

I am really enjoying my TV today, I really only watch it on my days off which is one reason I am glad I "boxed" the cable, it wasn't worth it to pay $100 a month for watching maybe 8 days a month.  Over the air works much better for me and the signals are good.  I have a window that faces downtown and I put the antenna there.  Good call.  

I finished the clothes and now the sheets are in the dryer.  I also put away the "too big" (2 pair) jeans (oddly enough both black) in the top of my closet they almost fell off yesterday at work.  Can't have that, and I do have some smaller that fit.  I am happy.  

Tshirts are good I have plenty and OK for work as they are all solid.  I have a few polos but those higher up the food chain wear those, I don't need to worry about that.  And challenging as things can get I don't want to move up the ladder, it is not easier, but harder.  Any job is like this.  

Self employed I had more rope but more stress as well.  But I don't want to talk about work so I will stop it there.  

It is early yet so I think I will sit on the couch and rot my brain.  I don't watch a lot of TV so even reruns are new to me.  

Anyway that's it for now.  

Too tired to type it all out so I did a video blog

Saturday blog and video

 

A summary for Deaf friends:

Everyone I know with migraines or back trouble is suffering due to the tropical system.  Ron was very sensitive to weather and so is everyone else with a chronic pain issue.  The other girl who works nights called in sick today so I worked some extra hours, but I had to take a lunch as a result.  So I only got 2 extra hours and I "spent" one of them on a ride home.  So I didn't really come out ahead but I did get goodwill with the boss.  

The cats see me as a treat vending machine, but they are a lot healthier looking now.  So even though I do give some treats they are not obese like they were with Ron.  

Glad I paid for the ride home.  Some things are worth it.  I know some women do hair/nails/makeup.  I do not but I will take a ride now and then.  I also use basic hair care products and all.  I will buy a $5 bar of soap every couple months for a treat.  Worth it!  Love some nice soap!  

I woke up with a very bad headache but the Excedrin managed it.  I also had a fried lemon pie when I got to work and that ALWAYS does the trick, interestingly enough.  It was a very busy day but that's not a bad thing.  I should sleep well tonight.  King Solomon (from the Bible) said: "

The sleep of a laboring man is sweet, Whether he eats little or much; But the abundance of the rich will not permit him to sleep."  Ecclesiastes 5:12

And I do sleep pretty well most nights I work.  One lady at work asked me who was taking care of Ron while I worked, I had to explain he is gone.  

Just when I think I've told everyone, there's someone else.  He does quite fine (I didn't say this) in his urn while I'm gone.  Never gets into trouble.  

I am so glad I am out of the headache I really thought I might have to call in.  I am going to have a cup of noodles in a bit.  I had a double cheeseburger on my lunch (McDonald's was great about getting me my food, fast) so I am not super hungry and I did get some protein.  I can always have a protein shake before I go to bed tonight.  

That's it for now.  

I got a lot done today

 So my aunt came at 11.  First step she was thirsty so we ran to the gas station for cold drinks, then the Post office.  I had some expectations at the Post Office today.  

• Homeowner's insurance policy had been paid but no papers yet, hoping they would come today.  
• Ordered some tracts,  hoping to get them.  
• Ordered some Scripture booklets - if they ever search my house hoping to prove I am a believer I am screwed because I have literally HUNDREDS of "How to Know Jesus" type things.  But I needed more because I do hand them out at a good rate.  Thank you God for using me.  
• Anyway, I had ordered some soap and vitamins from Swanson.  
• No gas bill yet need to pay that.  
• Not related to Post Office but also told Amazon was bringing my air filters today.  

So: got the insurance papers.  Happy and delighted.  Got the tracts, looks like a lot more than I ordered but I go through tracts quickly.  No booklets but I have the tracts.  Got the soap and vitamins, my aunt enjoyed her fancy bar of lavender soap.  Got the gas bill, $20.  Got a lovely card with some gifts which I will enjoy using!  When we got home Amazon showed up about 2 minutes later with my air filters.  So I got almost everything, and a few things I didn't expect.  

The tract people spent $8 on shipping so I sent them some money.  Seems only fair.  They get over a thousand requests a year.  The tracts are good quality.  

We returned the cable boxes for the TV, that only took a few minutes.  Then we got some lunch.  We went to Chilis.  We had a good meal.  

Next time I will feel better bringing small bills with me so I don't have to wait on getting change back.  I handed out 6 bags of candy with Scripture booklets so I felt it was "a good" day.  

I need to do up more candy today.  I am out of booklets but have hundreds of tracts.  I may need to fold the tract over to fit it in the bag but that's easy enough.  And I have a nice variety.  Here's a link, go to "publications" and they have .pdf files of each tract so you can read them.  https://www.gtpress.org/

You can ask for "assorted adult" or whatever and they will do it.  They even have some "good for Muslims" etc.  

So a pretty good day yesterday.  Today horrible depression but I did get some house cleaning in there.  

House is paid off

 Ron's mortgage insurance paid off the house last week, just found out this morning.  

That is a load off.  I am terribly sad though because I would rather be with Ron in a FEMA shelter than all alone in a paid off (nice) house.  

I really have to advise mortgage insurance, if you get an opportunity take it.  Ron's was only $30 a month, and it paid off over $30K.  Especially if one of you makes a lot more money than the other (like Ron did).  Now I am a lot more secure albeit missing him horribly today.  

He would have been so happy to have the house paid off; I know it will come for me.  

Monday

 Slept OK last night, not great but well enough, and did get to sleep in which is a bonus.  I have found that my anxiety over Ron has transferred to anxiety over my job... and other things.  Working on that and ruthless in limiting caffeine.  

Got up, took my shower, did my Bible study.  Texted with my aunt who I will see tomorrow.  She had a lot going on today.  I took it pretty easy, did do some housecleaning.  And laundry.  But I didn't run the dryer once it got hot it always seemed foolish to me to run the clothes dryer and the A/C at the same time.  So I don't.  

I will finish that tonight.  

I do need to try on my "smaller size" jeans and see if any of them fit as some of my black jeans are getting baggy.  I don't like baggy jeans.  

Technically I can wear a long skirt to work if I want but I would worry about sexual assault at the bus stop with that.  Sad but true.  Plus I would have to go buy the skirts.  

So I will do that later.  

I was doing OK (except for anxiety which I find embarrassing to admit but I hope this helps someone).  I took a nap and then got up, watched some over the air TV.  Very nice to save $100 a month on that and I get ION my favorite channel.  Good quality, get the captions, etc. so very happy with my TV.  It was better than I thought.  Antenna was a good move, too.  

So I turn it on and it's NCIS LA.  Not a problem with that.  But then they had a tremendously sad episode where someone died; the next episode the bereaved family member goes on a vengeance fueled rampage torturing and eventually killing the bad guy.  

And that brought up a lot of bad thoughts regarding the man who ran over Ron.  I didn't get my rampage, I had to paste on a fake smile every time I saw him at work.  I didn't see him after Ron died thank God, I am sure he took pains to avoid me, but he is out there a free man driving and free to harm another family.  And that bothers me more than I would like to admit.  

At the very least he should lose his driver's license permanently.  He is not a safe driver.  I used to want to physically harm him.  I will admit to that.  I don't want that (much) anymore but I do want him to lose his license and every day that he lives he has to remember he killed a man with his truck.  I know in some prisons they put a photo of the murder victim in the cell so the inmate has to see what they did every day.  A nice autopsy photo of Ron would be good for that but I will settle for losing his license.  I still hold out hope that will happen.  

It makes me very angry to think of him spending time with his healthy family and riding his motorcycle while I am stuck with an urn.  He got away with it, plain and simple.  I am sure he feels some guilt but HE SHOULD.  No one seems to get that.  

So I had a real mess in my head and I finally thought.  1.  Turn it off.  So I did that.  2.  I hadn't done my prayer time yet so I did that on the couch with the TV off.  That helped a lot.  

But I just need to avoid those revenge fantasy TV shows.  It doesn't help.  

Cup of noodles is still too hot to eat I was craving noodles today so I did that.  I had a protein shake earlier and I always take my vitamins.  

That's it for now.  

Will make this a quick one

 Worked yesterday from 3 PM to 10.  Got a lunch out of that which is a little odd for a shorter shift but those are the labor laws.  When I worked retail for a corporation, last, it was a half hour lunch.  Working for Ron it was a 5 minute snack and then right back to work.  

I am having some problems with them trying to work me out of my availability.  I had to leave "early" last night (after notifying HR) because I can't work after 10, if Jack doesn't show I need to catch that bus in about 10 minutes in order to get home by about 1.  Compounding the problem a co worker who "used to take the bus" is a know it all about the supposed schedule keeps saying I "could" work until midnight.  I cannot, I have run the schedules several times.  It is frustrating.  So I am unclear whether they understand I need to leave at 10 or am racking up points for a termination; but I really can't work past 10.  

When the schedule had me coming in at 4 she was OK "fixing" that so I assume I am OK?  But I don't know?  Very uncertain.  She is very difficult to catch.  

Other than that work was fine except for having no radio... agh.  I don't know what happened to "my" radio but it is gone and that is frustrating.  Enough about work.  

Woke up with a pretty nasty headache today, took something for it.  Had a good ride home with Jack last night he had been out of town and had a lot of fun, he said.  He saw a lot of wind turbines.  

The cats are good, I had the boys yelling at me for breakfast the second I got up, it was very cute.  I am glad they like the offerings so much.  Torbie got in my lap last night when I got home and Baby Girl came to me for petting.  Cleo walked around on me in bed and got some petting of her own.  She feels safest walking on me in bed as I am in a very "safe" position and can't "get" her easily.  

My aunt is trying to get the payoff amount which the insurance company is requesting.  To me, they wouldn't want that amount if they weren't going to pay it so I find that encouraging.  My Dad and adoptive Mom are on vacation on the California coast, enjoying cooler weather, bird life, etc.  She likes to take a lot of photos.  

So the headache is about gone, need to scoop litter boxes, take my shower, do my God Time.  I know God has my back in all this; I really don't see how people get through life without faith.  Even right after Ron died, I only had $16 in my checking account, I knew God would take care of me, and He has.  I have plenty of candy do hand out today, already done up.  None of my drivers wanted any yesterday.  

That's it for now.  

Wednesday

 I slept pretty well last night and woke to discover I had gotten paid.  It was funny, when speaking with my aunt she told me I had been paid and then mentioned she gets an email with my account activity every day since I added her to the account.  

I am OK with that as I think it is good to have a little accountability.  I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone else having that level of access, though.  She also has my email password.  

So I had a good talk with her, took a shower and did my God Time (most of it, will do the intercessory prayer shortly).  I have been figuring out my budget as my hours have been cut this pay period.  Not a whole lot, but some.  

For one they keep trying to work me out of my availability, and to be honest, if I had a car that would NOT be an issue.  BUT I ride the bus which is only running until 10 PM so I had to talk to personnel about that, which ends up with me working less hours.  I can work 8 AM to 9 PM most nights, and till 10 PM two other nights.  I think that is plenty.  

So I thought let's do a little challenge and see how much money I can save being stingy.  So that is the goal the next couple weeks.  I will of course be paying Jack his rate, no problem with that.  I will be making my grocery delivery order on my day off but hopefully not much over the $35 minimum.  I already paid the electric bill which was $60, but the air has been running more (even at 82 degrees).  That will be going up, need to plan for that.  

Gas bill should be due next week but not overly worried about that.  That is just cooking and hot water heater.  Maybe $30.  I already covered the general homeowner's policy.  

Another thing I want to do: set up a savings account and start funneling money every pay period to cover house expenses (insurance and property tax).  I don't want to do that "Ron style" scrambling at the last minute.  I would much rather squirrel some away every month.  

I am going to be positive and assume the house will be paid off; Ron's last gift.  So I need to plan for upkeep.  Ideally put $100 or more a month into a fund for repairs.  Because as I have seen things do happen.  

But it will be nice to have the "escrow" separate from the main money so I don't have confusion.  So that's on the list.  

But I have, and can get cheaply, things like chili, canned pasta, frozen ground turkey is still pretty cheap, etc.  I have a lot of rice and beans on hand, just need the time to cook it.   I will keep getting my collagen powder (vanity for hair growth and joints) and pea protein shakes as they have lots of protein and I see that as important to my health.  But I do store brands on both.  👍

Anyway I am going to go do my intercessory prayer... 

I am really OK in spite of the dark, depressing post

 Everyone you love is going to die.  Every single one.  

Now, if you are a born again you have some faith that some of your loved ones may be raptured.  Basically, transformed to a heavenly body in an instant without dying.  But the majority I would say are going to die.  

That is really a profound thought to me, today.  My family are all over 60, and nearly all in poor health.  Who is next?  I don't know.  Hopefully not this year.  But they're all going to die.  

I was blissfully ignorant with Ron.  He had an experience when he died in 2003, and one thing he mentioned later on he thought God had told him next time (Ron died) I would be with him.  That did not come to pass.  Failing that I figured Ron would die naturally in his late 80's or 90's like his parents (who made it to that age even in poor health).  He was better off than them, SURELY he would make it at least that long... and boy was I wrong.  The truck accident stole 30 years off his life as far as I'm concerned.  It never even dawned I would only have him into his 60's.  

And I am ashamed to admit I get so envious with the long married couples.  I am stuck at 29 years together, good years, I think.  But I won't get any more here on earth.  

Don't get me wrong I will absolutely see him again.  I believe that.  I had a dream about him the other night, he was in Heaven, didn't know I was watching, and learning to draw flowers.  That is the sort of thing I guess he would do in heaven now that he has 2 good hands and perfect sight.  I am just glad I didn't shout at him in this dream like I did the night he died.  I really was pretty awful to him that night.  Screaming "You're dead!" and telling him to leave me alone.  

I so wish I could get another hug, or kiss him on his head.  But he's in an urn now... 

I just miss him a lot, I feel cheated out of time I had with him; and quality time I should have had with him but couldn't because of his injuries.  Am I sorry I met him?  Absolutely not.  I am just sad and a little resentful today.  

And wondering why I love so many older people in poor health.  

Free TV is the best kind

 I did my God Time, prayed, did a little texting... decided to get the cable boxes ready for return.  It took me a while to untangle the cord and clean it up (a little dusty), get each box (one for Ron) in a bag with the respective remote.  

I had a little trouble untangling it but got it.  Then I tried to see if "just" the TV could pick up signals... and it couldn't.  I got the antenna out of Ron's closet, we had bought it years ago when we were trying to cut back on the cable bill.  But Ron liked the cable enough I kept it on until he died.  

My aunt has been busy putting out fires with the estate so the cable got pushed down, but this weekend we did switch it to my name, turn off the TV portion.  That saves me $100 a month.  But no tv!  

Which I did miss... so today, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I got it going.  It took longer than I'd like to admit to find the coax in.  I got that screwed in... I am terrible about dusting so my clothes are filthy with dust now...I had to put the TV in my lap to get the coax.  But I did it.  

I didn't have high hopes when I told it to scan again but it found 68 channels, including my favorite, ION.  Good quality, too.  I would put up a link for the antenna but we bought it 5 years ago and no longer available from Amazon.  

68, free, channels is not bad.  And I already bought the antenna.  I stuck that in a window by the way, facing downtown.  Pays to live in the big city sometimes...like my local bus running literally 20 hours a day.  

So something good today.  

Tuesday

 I didn't sleep well last night and woke up dreadfully depressed, which culminated in me standing in front of the bathroom mirror debating if I had the energy to wash my hair today (I did).  I also managed to do half my God Time before the groceries arrived, put those away and did the prayer portion.  I also re-read "The Value of Trials", a tract I got from Grace and Truth.  

It has a line "The immature and insensitive heart is largely unable to comfort others" which reminds me of a coworker.  I speak very little about Ron but would mention I was having a rough day, or sad on my day off, that sort of 10 second thing.  One day she blew up at me and said I "talked too much about my dead husband".  So I don't mention him to her even though she talks a lot about hers.  I think I scare her, reminded her she could lose her guy at any moment.  

If it bothers you to hear about Ron's death evaluate a few things in your life like insurance, will, etc. just to be on the cautious side.  I thank God Ron had the mortgage insurance policy which looks to pay, and the will leaving me everything so there is no drama from his family.  

So I managed to dig my way out of the depression.  I decided to have half a can of macaroni and beef for brunch.  The cats got very excited when I opened the can so I set the full, open, can on the floor.  I figured they would each (Baby Girl and Biscuit) have a sniff and then say "Meh, no thanks".  Biscuit did just that but BG began licking up the sauce.  I let her have some and then heated it up for me, let her lick out the bowl when I was done (I left her some hamburger crumbles in addition to the sauce, but no noodles.  No way does she need to eat noodles.)   She does like some people foods and is not a puker like Biscuit so I try to accommodate her now and then.  

I will say I am honestly not sure what Ron would have to say about it, though.  Would he be happy I am treating her or upset I am giving her "junk"?  I don't know.  Probably the first.  And she's a good little cat so I don't mind.  I will never forget the sight of her saying goodbye to Ron

When I think about all the ways Ron could have died, liver failure, dementia, cancer, etc. I am really glad he just dropped with minimal suffering.  It was a pretty clean, quick, way to go whatever it was.  Of course I would rather have him healthy and whole in my arms here but he was just getting worse and suffering more and more.  

I can see why the "Angel of Death" killers think they are doing people a favor by killing them because so many people do suffer terribly at the end of their lives.  That doesn't make it right but I am glad I never had the prospect of giving Ron a little "extra" morphine from hospice vs. letting him suffer.  It's hard to say what I would have done.  I hated to watch him suffer.  

To state the obvious, no, I did not kill him.  I wasn't even home when he died.  They did a full autopsy.  They even made the crematorium keep his body for weeks after they finished just in case they needed to go back.  And he looked really good except for the lividity and his lips being white, he looked very relaxed and comfortable.  But that dead weight of his arm flopping into my belly as I did CPR was something that took a while to forget.  But I did everything right, gave him his medication, fed him, bathed him, etc.  It was just his time.  

I am glad I was not there he might have made horrible noises I would have trouble forgetting.  I would have been frantic trying to "save" him.  I was, as it stood, anyway.  But he's gone and I'm still wrapping my head around that.  

It's just a hard day.  

The Chainsmokers - Don't Let Me Down (Lyrics) ft. Daya

Probably the most apt song for what I've got on my plate right now.  

Captions for my deaf friends.  

Video Blog June 7 2021

Will do a "real" post later.  

Friday morning

 This won't be long.  Depressed yesterday as Mom and Dad were dealing with their portion of Ron's ashes.  They took him to his favorite park and spread him among the redwoods.  

Very nice, I felt.  What he would have wanted.  

Work was pretty uneventful except for a severe rain storm which caused a lot of leaking.  Nothing leaked around me, though.  Jack got me on time of course and then straight home, talk to Mom and Dad, text my aunt I was OK, and then bed.  

I slept pretty well but woke up with a nasty headache.  I took some Excedrin which is doing a fair job.  I am able to work.  I just can't afford to lose 8 hours of pay.  

My compression socks are supposed to arrive today.  My vitamin order is not due to arrive for another week.  At least I know.  I got some hair vitamins, and some soap, that's about it.  Not a huge order so I can see why it didn't get the golden treatment.  

I used my minoxidil last night before I went to bed (topical hair regrowth treatment) I hope that didn't have anything to do with the headache.  I may wait and use it Sunday night next time just in case it is.  I sure don't want another one of these headaches on a work day, even a short one.  I am just unhappy with the hair on the top of my head it seems very thin.  I have been through a lot of stress this year, though.  

Cats are good I haven't seen much of Cleo but I have seen and petted everyone else tonight/today.  That's it for now.  

Wednesday

 My aunt wanted some doctor information and I didn't have the dates... so I did a search on "doctor" in the blog.  Big mistake a lot of matches.  So I went by month and scrolled until I found the dates.  

I didn't sleep great but I slept enough.  Got up.  Depressed.  Did my God time, got my grocery delivery.  Looked up my Amazon order, I accidentally shipped my compression socks to my parents.  Oops.  I ordered another set which will get here Friday.  I called Mom and she said she will send mine back to me.  Hope I like them!  I took a short nap with Cleo, who laid all stretched out in my bed like a "real" cat and not a fabulous former feral.  I even had Spotty walking around on my chest and meowing at me.  

I heard the mosquito truck the other day and sure enough they are much better.  So I could sit outside in the fresh air for a while.  I think it is important to get some sun and fresh air every day if I can.  I checked my schedule, I have two nine hour days and then two four hour days.  I work Sunday, the 3 month anniversary of Ron's death, but not long.  Just long enough to hopefully keep me from feeling sorry for myself.  My aunt is filling out the life insurance paperwork, it looks promising.  About the only reason they wouldn't pay is if he had committed suicide in the first 2 years.  And we're 17 years into the policy.  So we will see.  

I will be glad when that is all settled because I do worry.  Who wouldn't?  The prospect of possibly losing my house is huge, especially on top of everything else.  I will say it is amusing a lot of companies tried to draft me to work in the insurance field as I think I would have some pretty compelling arguments for it especially now.  But you really need to drive for that sort of thing and there is a process to become an insurance agent.  

I tried my collagen shake it is not bad with a little vanilla whey.  More protein can only help with hair growth.  Will definitely help my immune system and musculoskeletal system.  So I will be doing that as long as I can afford it.  

I can afford protein powders as I am not eating much outside of a serving or two a day.  I am not losing weight and frankly not looking to lose weight as then I have to buy new pants.  Years ago I read a low carb diet book "The Secret to Low Carb Success" sadly not available in Kindle.  But she said you won't "apparently" lose the last 2 weeks of your cycle, but once you start it will come off, those first 2 weeks of your cycle are dynamite for weight loss.  So it is possible I will see a "gush" of weight loss when I start in a few days.  I will see.  I do think I have some smaller jeans out in the garage.  The belt is a huge pain in the ass, to be honest.  I urinate several times a day and it is a big hassle to unfasten and then refasten the belt.  We will see.  

Biscuit is doing well he just had a nice stretch.  I got them another bag of food, they go through about 7 pounds (one bag) of Iams Urinary formula a week.  So each cat eats a little over a pound of dry cat food a week.  They are always happy to eat it and cry for more every morning so that's good.  

Tomorrow I may get them some turkey shreds.  They all like that.  I feed it very occasionally as Biscuit really has to have a strict diet.  But I do like to give them a treat on occasion.  God knows I would get very sick eating the same food nonstop.  

I also got some soy milk for me.  I figure any protein is good right about now.  I also need to figure out lunch for tomorrow.  I am feeling lazy so I will likely make some PB&J and have that.  Maybe with some carrot juice.  

I just looked in the garage, 5 pair of long jeans (what I need for work) in a size 22.  I also found my workout clothes and long underwear, I had thought those had been lost by the movers.  So I "can" lose weight 5 pair are more than enough.  

It is hard for me as I have a short inseam (28) and a big middle.  So it has to be a women's size and a petite inseam, not always easy to find.  I have been a 24 but with my murdered appetite I expect I will lose some before long.  I generally only have one type to choose from and it comes in a dark blue or a black.  I don't like light washes in my jeans, cute if you are a size 3 but I am not!  

I will say I was a size 7 as a teenager.  Ron always said he was "King Midas" and made me fat when we ran off together.  But I blame my education we were not taught healthy eating habits at all.  

I notice I am not eating emotionally since he died.  I don't say 'Oh I'm so sad I'm going to go binge on a tub of cheesecake filling (which I actually have)."  No, when I eat that I have a few spoonfuls and put it back.   Someone told me I probably don't realize how much stress I had with him alive.  

He was profoundly disabled and needed help with everything.  I worried constantly I would not be able to provide what he needed, or I would screw up and he would get hurt or die.  He drank constantly.  He wouldn't take most of his prescriptions.  He was "sundowning" at the end, getting very rowdy and disruptive every night.  He was falling out of bed; yet refusing bed rails.  He wouldn't let me bathe him very often and then only his armpits and privates.  Plus I had the weight of managing the business on top of that, always, constantly, wondering what I would come home to when I opened the door or if he was going to have another seizure.  This is just the stuff I feel comfortable talking about.  

I will say I had no problem throwing out all the urinals the day he died.  I was SICK of them.  So in a sense that's a load off of me.  But I have other burdens now, keeping my job, wondering about the house, etc.  Will the cats remain healthy?  That sort of thing.  Will I have a problem going or coming from work?  Who knows.  

I am trying to focus on my faith walk every day.  This morning it all seemed overwhelming so I broke it into portions and did one of those, took a break, did the next, etc.  That worked pretty well.  

And speaking of work I really do need to get the house mopped.  I'm going to do that.  

Heather Boutte Video Blog 6/1/21

Very early Tuesday

 Well, apparently I only needed seven and a half hours of sleep last night, up at 3.  But I live in a house so I can run the washer, play my music (on a very low volume), etc.  

Yesterday a fire ant bit me while I sat at this chair.  I went out and inspected, found a huge mound - two of them - on my outside wall.  I used the last of the Amdro ant bait to poison them.  Then I bought more.  

I have been stingy with a lot of purchases, not getting things, making do with what I have, even taking leftovers to work for lunch.  But I'm buying the ant bait.  Amazon was happy to roll that into the purchase of my compression socks so I will get ant poison and socks all in one order.  

I am not losing weight, size is about the same but hips are down half an inch.  I am not overly worried, after all if I lose a lot of weight I will have to buy new jeans.  Blood work says I am healthy that is all that matters, and I got my new vitamins delivered yesterday.  

It is funny but the Walmart generic women's vitamin actually has what I want in a vitamin, so I take those.  I take Swanson or Spring Valley vitamins for the rest of my needs.  But the WM has 100% iron and a good amount of biotin in addition to basic B's and other things I need.  And 200 tablets are only $8 can't beat that.  

I have no backup plan I have to take really good care of myself.  But thinking back to some of my depressions I am really glad I am pretty well managed these days.  I couldn't afford, literally, one of those depressions right about now.  

I think I underestimated the stress I was under caring for Ron.  I worried constantly.  Those worries are pretty much over.  I just wonder about cause of death.  But he's cremated and at home now.  My Dad says they will sprinkle Ron in Huddart County Park on Thursday.  Ron loved to hike in that park, that's one of the top places I knew he had to go.  Dad has said he is very honored I asked him to help.  

Ron is not who Dad wanted for me but I always did better with him around, and Dad had to respect that he made me happy.  And at the end of the day I feel like my life was better with him in it.  

Sure not looking for someone else right around now.  I haven't ruled out someone else "someday" but for now I just want to focus on healing.  And I think that is the best perspective.  

Come to think the women in my family never remarried.  My maternal grandmother, widowed young, never remarried.  My paternal grandmother, widowed about my age, never remarried.  My mother, widowed (her last husband, my stepfather) never remarried, and was about late 30's when she lost him.  But I'm not going to rule it out I enjoyed taking care of a husband.  Part of my job overlooks the men's clothing department and I get very nostalgic when I see women shopping for the man in their lives.  

But Ron had been training me to live without him for a very long time.  I have been getting myself around town for over a year now.  I am doing stellar on the bus always very early to work, punch in 5 minutes early every day, punch out on time, out to the bus.  I had been doing all the bill paying, etc. monthly reports for the business.  I had been doing the actual work as well.  Didn't mind, Ron's back was a mess and he couldn't.  

Emotionally I think I am doing OK leaning some on my family but they are OK with that.  

Things I don't have in my life anymore: 

4 hour workday.  Uber rides.  That's about it.     

That's it for now.  Should be running errands with my aunt, later.