These doses

Yesterday I got up at 4 AM, showered, God Time, went to the warehouse and bought 60 some cases of merchandise. 

I loaded and unloaded the truck, stocked what I could, and got everything crammed into our corner of the stockroom.  I helped Ron and we even had a little time to work on defrosting the freezer.  It had some big chunks of ice; and is very near the server room. 

That could be Very Bad.  We fixed it. 

After all that, we went home and I took a short nap.  I was pretty exhausted. 

We went out and got BBQ - by the time I got home I was truly exhausted and went straight to bed without even turning on the computer. 

My mood was better, less anxiety, maybe even a hint of a mania.  I am spotting so my cycle is imminent. 

Someone teased me when I told them about my hallucination last week, saying it meant I would get pregnant.  Happy to contradict that! 

I had a pretty good night of sleep.  I was pretty annoyed that morning, because the industrial complex nearby was making a ton of noise - trucks backing up, horrible loud bangs, etc.  "If I wasn't awake" I complained to Ron "I'd be furious". 

However, they were pretty quiet this morning. 

Ron was only allowed to drink "clear liquids" for his colonoscopies.  I got him some white grape juice, as he loves regular grape juice.  Sure enough, he guzzled the whole thing, both times, within a few days. 

I have a horrible time keeping Ron hydrated.  He doesn't have a good thirst mechanism and finds it troublesome to go urinate.  He keeps his fluid intake far below ideal.  Anything that can get him to drink is a good thing to have in the house. 

He wanted more; we went to Walmart and got it.  Actually, they were out of the name brand, but we got the generic, which Ron says is wonderful.  We'll have a couple on hand now. 

I got a few little things, but not much.  "You save a lot of money when you're depressed" Ron observed.  He's right.  I did get some air fresheners that seem to be headache-provoking.  We'll see. 

I also got some protein bars for breakfast, because I don't get enough protein.  My legs get achy on delivery days - not bad but just worked.  I know I need to rebuild that muscle; and I'm not. 

I'm not walking around in pain, but I want to be good to myself. 

I'm not foolish, either.  I'm an obese, middle-aged woman doing heavy physical labor.  I need to be careful. 

Ron is terrified I will become incapacitated, but so far I seem fine.  God will take care of me if I use common sense. 

Otherwise I'll spend all my time getting anxious over what might happen and how I would manage.  Then I will end up in trouble. 

I have burdens; but I won't be weak. 

To me, strength means (and this sounds like one of those horrible "inspiring" Facebook posts):
1.  Asking for help when I am impossibly suicidal.
2.  Taking a Day Out when overwhelmed by caregiving. 
3.  Telling Ron to shut up when his negative talk is becoming toxic. 
4.  Eliminating toxic people from my life. 
5.  Avoiding situations where I will be hurt and/or adjusting certain expectations accordingly. 
6.  Getting as much sleep as I require, without making a lot of apologies. 
7.  Staying active when depressed so I don't fall deeper into the pit.
8.  Restraining myself when manic. 
9.  Calling my doctor when necessary. 
10.  Taking everything as directed.  Every damned day. 
11.  Keeping a good supply of headache tablets and Pepto-Bismol for the inevitable side effects. 
12.  Asking for help. 
13.  Patience/tolerance with my shaking hands. 
14.  Keeping Ron posted on my moods so he has a better understanding of what I need at that moment. 

No one can take care of me, if I'm not taking care of myself. 

Ron's in a BBQ mood, after I got up he wanted to get more BBQ.  We went, with a very pregnant driver who's expecting twins. 

She was really sweet. 

I got link sausage.  I dearly love link sausage but it doesn't agree.  And, it didn't.  But it was sure fun eating it. 

I gave the rest of my pound (I got just a pound, sliced), to Ron, who had a great deal of fun eating it, asking if "I was sure" the whole time. 

I confirmed I didn't want it, in a rather strained voice, chugging yet more pink stuff, as he proceeded to gobble away. 

I am feeling better now, but very tired.  I just can't eat link sausage, taking lithium at these doses.  However, these doses get me in the therapeutic range.  I won't be changing that any time soon. 

We came home with a cab driver I really like, Victor, the guy from Guyana.  He has really long dredlocks and a lovely accent.  He is very zen, and an excellent driver too. 

It's a good thing.  Some maniac in a black SUV almost ran us off the road.  Why is it work out that the guy in the expensive car wants to kill you?  It's never the illegal in the piece of crap sedan.  No, it's the nice-looking person (except for the demonic expression) in the car equivalent to my mortgage.  I don't get that. 

I've almost been in over a dozen wrecks lately. 

If I did die tomorrow, would I have regrets?  No. 

I actually wrote a poem about it, back in 1998:

If I Die Tomorrow
If I died tomorrow,
I'd like to think I knew
I lived my life in balance
Regrets would be quite few.

If I die at eighty,
I know that I will say:
I had some fun in yesteryear,
And, yes, I did, today. 

If I die tomorrow,
It's nice, for me, to know:
I've never wasted precious time,
On jobs, or folks, I've loathed. 

I made my list, some years ago,
Of things, I'd like, to do.
And if I die tomorrow:
I'll know I got a few. 

Still true, about 20 years later.