The good stuff

Ron is furious.  Part of it is due to my confronting him regarding a really stupid thing he is doing with money.  He won't hear me on it.  I worry it's going to hurt us both. 

Part of it, and my disappointment, is the fact that he refuses to understand what depression means.  To him, I should be eager to run around with him at his whim, eating takeout every day.  He told me "It was (my) job to (serve) him" today at work.  I was aghast.  I hope I have never given him reason to believe that - I think that's more the narcissistic thing.  He doesn't understand, when I'm depressed, I'm doing great to take a shower, go to work, and come home, collapsing into bed for a nap.  He doesn't want to hear it.  He doesn't understand, doesn't want to, the anxiety I have been battling.  He just throws me a platitude, and he doesn't even mean that. 

Then we can't forget the health insurance discussion.  He told me, tonight, he spends $200 a month on alcohol.  This during a conversation how "(he) never gets anything for all his hard work".  Later on he was saying I didn't need health insurance, etc.  I told him I felt I did.  "It's just a waste of money" he said "at $200 a month".  I couldn't help think of the alcohol. 

Ron, I told him, you have Medicare.  You are paying over $100 a month for your medical coverage.  What is that?  "Oh, I deserve that" he said.  "And I don't?"  He also brought up an argument that, if I get insured, I will "become sickly, like his mother".  His mother was a carb addict, obese, diabetic, drama queen - who smoked.  Of course she was sick.  I try to watch what I eat, am active, take supplements, take medication as directed, drink buckets of water, get enough sleep, and "pass" all my blood tests with flying colors. 

Clearly he doesn't understand the concept of a $6K deductible.  If I tried to explain, he would just say it was more evidence I shouldn't get health insurance, etc. 

It's saddening and frustrating.  Ron, having worked himself up into profanities, is now binge-drinking and has already said any blackouts will be "my" fault.  No, they're yours.  I just hope he doesn't fall off his walker and hit his head, like he did last time. 

In some way he acts like a child.  I so wish I could say this all stems from the head injury, but one time back in 1998 he actually committed adultery, justified, he felt, because we had an argument.  "I'm going to act like a single man".  And he had sex with a woman he termed "A sewer" (as in, unsanitary and slutty), with no protection, because, of course, "It just happened and we were really drunk, because I was angry at you and we had a fight".  He didn't tell me for years... but let enough out I had a pretty good idea at the time.  I found the lying more of a betrayal than the actual act. 

So, in his mind, I was the reason he cheated.  Do I believe that?  No.  But I thank God all my blood tests have come back clean ever since.  He's gotten past that level of maturity but it brings dirty fighting to a whole new level. 

Unfortunately I didn't see any of this when we were dating, and I was so desperate I probably could have reasoned it away, but Ron is vicious when he feels attacked. 

So, what started it all?  He said, since I didn't want to go anywhere tomorrow after Walmart, he would just call his friend and pay him $20 to "go get the Teriyaki".  I told him I thought it was wasteful to spend $30, on $5 takeout.  Opinions only, I didn't tell him what to do. 

I even offered to go with him tomorrow night, because the neighbors will probably have a big party, but by then it was too late.  He had tried to tell me "It's going to rain Saturday!".  OMG.  I mean, I might get wet, which is totally unacceptable because it makes Ron feel bad. 

I also told him, what I heard of the forecast didn't indicate anything serious, so I didn't care.  That whole discussion ate up the entire amount of time he could have used to schedule a ride to the food place. 

Now Ron is telling me I am "too expensive", and making a big point of "giving me permission" to get my own health insurance.  It's not the insurance, I told him.  It's haggling the total down.  Ron has been getting tons of bills that start at $10,000 and end up with him owing $72.  He has totally unreasonable ideas about finance, that large debts will be simply forgiven because someone "can't pay". 

Not quite. 

1.  I wasted what I did have so I don't have to pay you.  Not going to work. 
2.  I don't owe anything even though I should have had insurance, but didn't. 
3.  I'm disabled, so I don't owe anything. 

None of those arguments will work! 

He's still ranting.  He is now convinced I was "bored" and decided to "start a fight for entertainment".  What kind of people has he known?  No, I am trying to get some issues conveyed.  He needs to be smart.  He needs to be careful.  He needs to stop spending $200 a month on whiskey. 

I didn't bother discussing that with him.  He likes it because (I am certain) it is loaded with sugar.  He likes feeling important at the liquor store.  He likes the little cloth bags that contain the bottle.  He has a whole collection of them.  He likes buying the good stuff and impressing other alcoholics. 

Oh, well, at least he's not bringing people over.