I'm the only one here for you!

Ugh. 

Highlights of the day: I told Ron I was battling an ugly depression.  "Wa, wa, wa" he said.  "Get over it."    He wasn't kidding. 

He wonders why I don't confide in him.  Why I can be distant sometimes!  I never tell him about my moods because he gets ugly and verbally assaultive.  He either attacks me or attacks God, shouting all kinds of negative crap like "Why did you have to give me a defective wife!"

I get this, when I am seeking support.

I bitterly, privately, asked God why I had to deal with this.  God reminded me, I hang onto Him very tightly.  I hang onto Him because I can't hang onto Ron, or rely on him for emotional support.  I don't believe that God-is-my-husband crap, but He is my best friend. 

Later on in the day, we are working on the monthly report: "I'm going to break your fingers if you lose that stapler again!" Ron shouted at me.  Later on he found it in his liquor cabinet and remembered he put it there, himself, last month.  He did apologize for the comments but I'm still pretty pissed. 

For the record, if Ron ever tried to get physical I would file charges and then leave for a while.  Considering his condition I'm not as worried as I might be if he were ablebodied.  I can certainly duck him.  I've done it before during his blackouts.  I just go wait somewhere outside, with my keys, money, and cell phone.  If the ringer's turned off he can't find me. 

How pathetic that I even have to think about this! 

Pretty enraging.  Especially on top of my depression. 

Then, while working on our accounting report, we couldn't get the printer to work. "I installed a new cartridge" I told him.  "I don't know what's wrong.  I'll have to work on it before I take my medication." 

Ron wants to have his cake and eat it too.  He wants me close to 100% intellectually and energy level; yet he wants optimum mood control.  They are mutually exclusive. 

He told me, a few months back, he was willing to sacrifice some "brain" in order to "make you nicer".  But he constantly resents it and makes bitter, disparaging, comments. 

I'm reminded of one cab driver who went off her bipolar medication for an entire month to teach her husband a lesson.  After a week, he was on his knees begging her to take it again. 

I wouldn't want my drivers and customers to suffer, otherwise I might give that a try. 

Then, just general crapping negative energy all over me, all day long, knowing I am depressed. 

Ron, I think, realized he had crossed the line.  He apologized.  I told him, "I'm the only one here for you.  The only one.  Why you do crap negativity all over the only person helping you, especially when you know she's depressed?" 

I later told him "One day God will show you how much you worked for the devil!" 

Now he wants to do his little theological infinity loops - kind of like zen koans.   I told him no, I'm not interested. 

I am always happy to look up a Bible verse but not interested in pointless questions I feel are just designed to attack and diminish my faith. 

I always feel like Ron is attacking my faith, not supporting or helping to build it.