God will always come first

Ron drinks pretty much every night.  Enough that he gets pretty loose. 

That can go one of two directions. "I love you so much even though you're broken and crazy and no other man wants you". 

I know he's telling himself that.  Not me.  It's very hard not to receive it, especially considering I have had verbal abuse my entire life.  I went right out from one situation into another. 

Or he runs into overt verbal abuse.

I asked him once not to make personal attacks about my illness - don't bring it up during fights and use it to beat me.  He does it anyway.  "Did you take your meds today?" in a biting tone of voice "Maybe you need another one!"  He also threatens to "tell my doctor" that I'm "acting crazy" when I probably just said "I can't help you for a couple minutes because I'm going to the bathroom." 

He has a very bad habit of repeating the pickup time several times, at me.  "Pickup at 7, did you get that?  DID YOU GET THAT?"  I say yes.  Then he called the company.  "Oh, pickup at 7:04!  DID YOU GET THAT?"  I told him if he kept repeating it, all I "got" was "Did you get that?" and none of the times at all. 

It might be better, I suggested, if he just told me once.  "But what if they changed the pickup time?" he slurred. 

"Four minutes doesn't matter" I replied levelly.  "It's just confusing". 

Ron the went on a tirade about my "judging" him and "thinking my waste doesn't stink" "Holier than thou" etc.  Huh?  I asked for a resonable accomodation of my disability.  I wouldn't tell Ron to read his own mail.  Why does he insist on telling me several sets of numbers, with a bunch of blabber in between, and expect me to remember one? 

Earlier he asked me to share my theories about Noah's drinking.  I said he must have planned it out for a while, to cultivate the vines, ferment the wine, etc. 

"So you're saying it's OK to drink, because God's a [won't repeat] and gives us almost more than we can handle." 

No, I replied, shocked.  "I didn't say that at all". 

He laughed maniacally.  "But you wanted to, didn't you?" 

No. 

If he would have heard it, I would have told him life gives us more than we can handle.  All our trials, in my opinion, show us how much we need God's guidance and direction in our lives.  We need His strength, not our own, because we are too weak to carry our own burdens.  God wants to carry them, so let Him! 

Ron asked for my opinion on alcohol and I told him I think alcohol is very dangerous, and I've never seen anyone benefit from drinking.  I could have said a lot, but didn't. 

He always tries to tell me it's fine "in moderation" but as I once heard, some people don't have an "off" button.  Ron is one of them.  [I didn't say this to Ron]  He learns this, periodically, to his pain and mine.  He makes promises which aren't kept very long and goes right back to the vomit, so to speak. 

Now he's making drunken phone calls.  He wonders why no one calls him back.  [wry shrug]   With some of the comments I've heard him make on voicemail I'm surprised anyone talks to him at all. 

Sigh.  A famous evangelist once said the devil uses our own families to attack us, and those attacks are the most painful. 

He was right. 

Now Ron's doing his usual theological ravings at someone else, not me.  Poor person, whoever they are. 

"The Devil must have been insane".
"God knew I would be mad at Him and I have a right to be.  I can be as ugly as I want, for as long as I want, and dump all over you and Heather - because I'm disabled." 
"My sin is OK because everyone else does too [that's all of that I'm going to share]"
"It's OK to drink because Jesus turned water into wine." 

He can go on, at length, on any one of these subjects for 20 minutes at a time.  He gets upset if I don't agree with him, but I don't. 

I guess if I had a "perfect" husband, one who valued me and didn't abuse me verbally, one who cherished my faith instead of deriding and attacking it, one who sought God on his own and strove to be the person God wanted him to be... I'd make that man my idol and forget all about God. 

As it is, I look at God to be my strength, to provide the emotional sustenence and love.  I'm sure some unreached will "aha" over that, but even if I did have the "perfect man" God would, and will always, come first.